���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Had to rush to get this one out...so I will just wish you all the best of days...and hope that the errors are not too glaring! ;) Today's issue includes contributions by: Jim, Keli, Rubin, Stan, Barb, Di Ann, SunAmy, Marsha, Marina. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the best bar in Montana? Liquor up front; poker in the rear. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� A tale of two Heidi's... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.247 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.247 That's disgusting... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.269 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.269 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Wendy was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, Wendy had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box. Fortunately, her husband was six-feet-tall so she called him to help. "Hey, James!" Wendy yelled , who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?" "Sure, Honey," James remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Almost done. Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it." -Richard Feynman ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What is he missing?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.271 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.271 Hey, these things happen... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.14 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.14 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and al-Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Louisiana Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Tbo, Boo, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information: 1. The limit is two. 2. The season ended last weekend. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or Zydeco. 5. Some are queer. That should just about do it! ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Coke For Guys <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/18.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/18.html Chick With A Cute Pussy <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/19.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/19.html Bin Laden Dart Board <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/20.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/20.html Terrorist In Disguise <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/11.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/11.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so the German doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a rare display of respect, did. Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. Again, the Germans complied. The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!" The pilot asked, "Why not?" The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101";>Click</a> http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101 ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only." As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message... written in Braille. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The BIG medal... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.66 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.66 The bloody Mary... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.118 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.118 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Mandlebaum receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees...."Golf: $1.00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $395" He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three $395 for three golf balls?" I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a $400 dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls! ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Dr. Blum was tired of the rat race at Metropolitan Hospital. One day over lunch he confided in a comrade: "Paul, Ruth and I are leaving soon, moving to Israel. I've already started the paperwork for a little mom and pop business there, something to keep us busy." "Tell me about it," prompted his friend. "Nothing fancy... just a little dairy products store in the Holy Land," Dr. Blum continued: We're calling it "CHEESES OF NAZARETH" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Eat Out <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/12.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/12.htm Alarm Clock For Guys <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlink1.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlink1.html Encyclopedia For Sale <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlink2.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlink2.html Dieting To Extreme <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlink3.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlink3.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limericks: There was a young fellow from Yale Whose face was exceedingly pale. He spent his vacation In self-masturbation Because of the high price of tail. There once was a lady called Pam Who took a trip on a tram The fucking conductor Took out his constructor And now she's wheeling a pram. I once had a lady friend, Rose, Double-jointed she was I suppose. And I watched fascinated, As Rose masturbated; Herself with the tip of her nose. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,212.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.91 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $2.24 Tic-Tacs $2.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $1.98 Stadium tax $2.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $3.46 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $7.00 FICA $81.88 TGIF Fund $9.95 Life insurance $7.85 Health insurance $17.23 Dental insurance $5.50 Mental insurance $5.33 Disability $3.50 Ability $1.25 Liability $3.41 Unreliability $10.99 Coffee $16.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $1.32 Desk rental $14.32 Union dues $25.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $28.13 Miscellaneous $113.29 Sundry $14.09 Various $8.01 Net Take Home Pay $6.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions,comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Your Boss ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting the genetics just right <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.126 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.126 Talk about a Dick... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.134 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.134 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Thirty-one inmates working in a prison garden in northern Uganda escaped when their guards ran after a rabbit. The government-owned New Vision newspaper says the rabbit hopped out of bushes when the inmates were working in the garden at Kotido prison. The five guards assigned to the work took off after the rabbit and the prisoners made their break for freedom. "Yes, it's true," said Lt Col John Baptiste Mulindwa, an army commander in the north-eastern Karamoja region where the escape took place. But he refused to elaborate. Most of the escaped prisoners had either been convicted for illegal possession of firearms or were awaiting trial on similar charges, the newspaper reported. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� When the gynaecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Anni got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered." "Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place." Startled, Anni exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] F A S T F O O D G U R U [||||] Former Seinfelder and failed series top banana Jason Alexander will teach a course at USC covering acting,, scene study and musical theater. (USA Today) And how to transition smoothly from costar of a hit prime time sitcom to pullet nugget huckster for KFC. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� and learn it well... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.138 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.138 Elephant Enema. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.142 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.142 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90... ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� ========================= THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI ========================= "ARE YOU READY FOR A SOCCER FRENZY?" It happens every four years, creating great excitement around the world. No, I'm not talking about Pamela Anderson's breast enhancements. I'm talking about the World Cup, the biggest sporting event on the planet, which drives soccer fans into such a frenzy, many of them forget to bathe. Chinese fan: "Are you cheering for China? I see red paint on your face." Italian fan: "No, that's not red paint. That's last week's spaghetti sauce." Thousands of soccer-mad fans will soon descend upon Japan and South Korea for the month-long extravaganza, which begins May 31. Airport officials have been instructed not to ask fans the usual security question: "Did you pack your own bags?" Instead, they will ask a more important question: "Did you pack your brains?" I know the value of this question, because I attended a 1994 World Cup game in Washington D.C. and sat in front of a Netherlands fan whose brains had been left in Amsterdam. Every time Netherlands scored, this fan decided to share his beer with the spectators in front of him. He did this by tossing the beer into the air, giving us a cold shower. Unfortunately for us, Netherlands went on a scoring spree that day. It was 25-0 or something, the highest-scoring game in history. We were soaked. Such behavior is actually quite mild, especially on British standards. That's why Japanese police are preparing for violence during the June 7 match between England and Argentina, two countries that get along as well as Michael and LaToya Jackson. The police plan to ferry hooligans to Tokyo, from where they will be deported to England, even if they're from Argentina. What better way to punish them. To prevent innocent spectators from being arrested, some Japanese fans are selling T-shirts that say "I am not a hooligan." The T-shirts are very popular, with more than 600 already sold, all of them to hooligans. Japanese police are also watching out for Islamic extremists, Japanese religious cults, and anyone wearing a T-shirt that says "I am not a terrorist." Such people will be immediately arrested and deported to England. Meanwhile, a big controversy was averted when a group of South Korean restaurant owners, bowing to government pressure, decided not to offer tourists free samples of dog meat dishes. The restaurateurs had planned to offer steamed meat, soup, sandwiches and hamburgers, hoping to promote their catchy slogan: "Let sleeping dogs fry." Anyone for a hot dog? According to the Associated Press, South Korea has an estimated 6,000 dog meat restaurants nationwide, much to the delight of the country's numerous cats. If you're not a soccer fan, you'll be glad to know that many of the games will be televised in America at 2:25 and 4:55 a.m. Eastern time, which means that most Americans, as usual, will sleep through them. If you are a soccer fan, you may soon face the greatest challenge of your life: learning to program your VCR. Be glad you don't live in Britain, where most of the games will be televised during the day, forcing fans with jobs to make an important choice: which sickness to come down with. Soccer fan: "Mornin' boss. I can't ... (cough) ... come to work t'day." Boss: "Blimey! Why ever not? You sick or something?" Fan: "Yes, boss. I'm very sick. The doctor says I've got malaria. It may take me a full month to recover." Boss: "Malaria? You got lucky then, compared to the other blokes in the office. Thompson says he has tuberculosis, Watson has leprosy and Johnson has foot-and-mouth disease. Foot-and-mouth disease! Isn't that a riot? Sounds more like football-month disease!" ---------------------------------------------------------- (c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com For a free subscription to his columns, send a blank mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Naughty-amateur.com <a href="http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique Peemasters.com <a href="http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique Perfectorgy.com <a href="http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique Pornwannabe.com <a href="http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique Secretfetish.com <a href="http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique Soapboys.com <a href="http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique Sweetcherrys.com <a href="http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique Teenfactory.com <a href="http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique Upskirtschool.com <a href="http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique xxxtryouts.com <a href="http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique More adult sites: www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------------EZINE RESOURCES--------------------��� These are the location of some of the best ezines on the net... if you like mine...check out some of these others: Get anything from Astrology to Zebras for FREE! 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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