���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Are you watching the western sky in the evening at about 45 minutes past sunset? If so you are seeing one of the most spectacular events in recent astronomical history...a planetary alignment featuring five planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn) all visible using the naked eye! This has not occurred since 1940 and will not occur again until 2040. Tonight is the best night for viewing as the crescent moon is also included in this spectacular event. Jupiter can be found at the lower point of the crescent moon with the rest of the planets lining up to the southwest with Mercury (rarely visible due to its proximity to the Sun) at the lower Southwest sky just above the horizon. If you have clear skies over the next few nights ... take a peek outside at our planetary neighbours. Our thoughts and prayers are with the families of at least four Canadian soldiers who were killed overnight in Afghanistan. The soldiers were the victims of a friendly fire accident which occurred when an American F-16 mistakenly dropped it bombs into a training exercise. These soldiers were the first Canadian casualties in Afghanistan and the first Canadian combat soldier deaths since the Korean War. Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Sandra, Stan, Ruth, John, Tom, Marian, The Posens. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Sneaking in... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.934 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.934 Funny couple... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.935 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.935 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day as the water of the mighty Mississippi River rose a man and his son were forced to retreat to their rooftop. While there a neighbour passed by in a row boat and shouted, "Come with me I'll take you to higher ground." The man politely refused saying, "I have faith in the lord, he will save me." Two hours later as the water continued to rise another neighbour passed in a rubber raft, offering to take them to higher ground. Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the lord, he will save me." Four hours passed and as the man and his son clung to the chimney, trying to avoid the rising water a Coast Guard helicopter hovered overhead and threw down a ladder, "Climb up so we can take you to higher ground!" he heard them say. Again he refused saying, "I have faith in the lord he will save me!" Well no one else came and they met their fate. Standing before God, the man said, "Lord I believed in you, my faith was strong and unwavering and you let us drown!" Looking at him God replied, "I sent a boat, a raft, and a helicopter, what more did you want from me!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� The question of the ages! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds." Robert A. Heinlein. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Take it out... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.936 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.936 Tastes funny - <> <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.937 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.937 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left my baby on the bus again!" ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� The Bud Bear http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-76&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-76&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> The 6th cents !! http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-77&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-77&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening." Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that." "Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,' 'Stop,' and 'Don't!'" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <Gross alert!> Once upon a time these 2 gay guys were screwing when the doorbell rang. The one in the back said, "Don't cum without me; I'm going to go get rid of whoever this is." The 'front' guy said he wouldn't. So, the 'back' guy comes back from answering the door to find cum shot ALL over the room, the bed, the dresser, etc. He yelled, "I told you not to cum without me!" The second guy said, "I didn't; I farted." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� ....If guys had a period, they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons... ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Dear Aggie, How come no one sends you any questions? Do you not have any friends or what? Cynicalaltruist ]~[ Dear Cynical Screwup... Of course I have friends. VERY few use AOL.If one comes by the double-wide,I can usually give them a ball to play with, that occupies them for hours.Or send them outside to fetch tools for Bruno.... I wonder if I injected enough dripping sarcasm into that answer......(note to ed.- remove last sentence) Aggie NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/";>Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What's on this guys palm?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.938 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.938 New way to decide.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.939 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.939 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers. "Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or female?" "Female!" the bloke beamed. "How do you know" his mate enquired." "Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel! ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host - a buddy - about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife." "Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Hot Dogs! http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-78&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-78&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> Waiting for Yahoo Groups http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-79&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-79&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� How many times has this happened to you? You're driving down the highway and you come up behind a car with its turn signal blinking. You think to yourself, "Thank God."�they are obviously driving slower than you are or you wouldn't have come up behind them in the first place and you will be ecstatic to be rid of them. Then, they pass an intersection with their signal blinking happily. But you are not amused. They pass an office building and a parking lot. They pass any numerous opportunities to turn�and the blinker seems to indicate they might do so�and they are certainly going slow enough to make a turn. Or park. Yet, they don't turn. The light just blinks. It mocks you. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now suck my cock!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might walk in!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� This is the WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS BOOK! Get it now before it is banned...See why US Senators have been trying to block the sale of this book...learn the secret of the pros...that NO ONE wants you to know! It is all here...and the price has never been lower! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Did you hear about the Redneck who.... ... Spent four days in sears looking for wheels for his miscarriage ... Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery ... Looked in the lumber yard for the draft board ... Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game ... Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay ... Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman ... Lost his girlfriend cause he couldn't remember where he laid her ... Thought asphalt was a rectum problem ... Called his girl "tapioca" because she could be made in a minute ... Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married ... Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period ... Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains ... Thought "no kidding" meant birth control ... Thought peter pan was something to put under the bed ... Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass ... Smelled good only on the left side because he didn't know where to buy right guard ... Studied for five days to take a urine test ... Thought a washer and dryer was a douche bag and a towel ... Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease ... Thought a mushroom was a place to neck ... Went in the out house....put one leg in each hole and shit in his pants. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Cop Kid.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.940 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.940 Sleeping?!? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.941 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.941 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Shoppers are being entertained by a game of strip chess in a London shop window. The main window of Selfridges in Oxford Street is playing host to a couple playing a series of provocative chess matches until Sunday. In a stunt to publicise a new TV commercial for Gordon's Gin, which features strip chess, the players have to remove an article of clothing each time they lose a chess piece. Wendy Darlington, brand director for Diageo-owned Gordon's Gin, says: "The Selfridges window event allows consumers to interact with the brand firsthand and, unusually, see an ad before it breaks on TV." She adds: "The live ad will provide Oxford Street shoppers with a little sophisticated pleasure and appeal to the modern, stylish sensibilities of both Gordon's drinkers and Selfridges customers." The players are only allowed to strip to their underwear. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <Another Classic!> A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion is feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, then crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] CA N I N E CA R N I V O R E S [||||] Convicted neighbors from hell Marjorie Knoller and Robert Noel who allowed their trained to kill Presa Canarios Bane and Here to devour fellow apartment dweller Diane Whipple now await sentencing. (AP) On the plus side, their portraits now appear on the bottom of all new Pooper-Scoopers. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons." "Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo." "I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted. "I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle --and I still got 10 shaves out of it." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting engaged... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.942 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.942 Strange ideas... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.943 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.943 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman? Fuck you and your law of gravity. I am going up!! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Oral Disorder or Social Disease? by Dave Glardon Spring is officially here. I know this, because I'm sitting here with a sore throat, a sore jaw, an earache, and a chest full of something you'd rather I keep to myself. I've made it through an entire winter of sick people in my house without so much as a runny nose. Now, when things are warming up a bit and the fish are starting to bite, I'm the one who's sick. I don't normally go to my doctor for a cold, but this one started off bad and got worse. My throat feels like I swallowed broken glass, and the right side of my face is so swollen, I look like the Godfather. I love my doctor, and trust her completely. But she's got one habit I need to talk to her about. Every time I leave her office, I smell earwax for the next two hours. It finally occurred to me why. Right after she pokes that little light in my ears, she uses it to look inside my nose. Gross! I guess I could ask her to check my nose first. After all, I'd rather have snot in my ears than earwax in my nose. As long as it's mine, that is. I know I'm pushing the limit here, but you have to wonder who else's nose that light has been in. Worse yet, who else's ears? After a brief exam, she gave me the most interesting diagnosis I've ever had. She said I've either got an abscessed tooth and a good chest cold, or I'm getting mono. I'm glad she narrowed it down for me, because I was starting to think it may be hemorrhoids. Her advice was to go see the dentist. I'm not sure if she really thinks I've got a dental problem, or if she just really wanted me out of her office. If you ever want complete privacy, tell people you've got mono. The problem is, what do I tell my dentist? Should I tell him the truth? Should I tell him before or after he sticks his hands in my mouth? Dentists are always fun. You go in and tell them you've got a sore tooth, and the first thing they do is start tapping at it with a miniature pickaxe. "Does that hurt?" Hell yes, it hurts! What does he think you're there for, a pedicure? Okay, so he's a little dense. Send him a message even he can't misinterpret - bite the crap out of him. Does that hurt? I had a friend in the Navy who said he never had a painful experience in the dentist's chair. They had a mutual understanding from the start. He'd grab one of the dentist's lower extremities and say, "We're not going to hurt one another, are we?" I guess it's possible I've got a messed up tooth. Lord knows I haven't taken very good care of them. My problem is I've got a really high tolerance to pain. Except when I'm sitting in a dentist's chair, that is. I had an abscess a few years ago that was so bad, the swelling was starting to close my throat. The dentist commented that it must hurt pretty badly, and I told him it was a little tender. I still bit him, but only as a matter of principle. Anyway, in two hours I'll get my answer. Do I have a dental problem, or an infectious disease? Inquiring minds want to know. So does my wife. We're not what you'd call overly affectionate, but this isn't helping matters a bit. This is one of those things that can get you in a bit of trouble. If it is mono, and my wife doesn't have it, that leaves me to explain where I got it from. Of course, if I got it from her, that's a different story. Women can get these things from dishwater, but men have to cheat. One of two things will happen today. Either I'll lose a tooth, or my dentist will contract mono. I'm not sure what to hope for. Of course, doctors aren't always right. I mean, this could be just a plain old springtime cold. You know, the kind that's brought on by fishing season and aggravated by earwax in the sinuses. But I guess it could always be worse. Thank God I didn't have hemorrhoids. Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved. -- Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense of the nineties. You can visit his Website at http://www.daveglardon.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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