���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well the Ad-Free Version of Purehumour is off the ground...YOU should be a part of it...and now I am going to make it even more enticing to you...how would you like $50.00 cold hard US dollars in your pocket? Well just subscribe to the New Ad-Free version of Purehumour and your name will automatically be entered into a draw for $50.00 US dollars... full details are available at: <a href= http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Ishy, Rubin, Kirsten, Keli, Stan, John, Carol, Marina, Laura. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� One sick puppy... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.675 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.675 Get the hint.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.677 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.677 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The little girl was SO proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume so she said, "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two rules for life: 1.Don't tell people everything you know. 2. ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Is there ever enough? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, American actress (in an interview to become an anti-smoking spokesperson) ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Electile Dysfunction <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.679 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.679 3 Wishes... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.681 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.681 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Top 12 Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics <copyright www.topfive.com> 12 "Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!" 11 Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus." 10 Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll." 9 She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on "party member" turn-out. 8 Enjoys performing filibusters on you. 7 You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer. 6 Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place." 5 Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt. 4 She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave your clothes on the floor. 3 AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!" 2 Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com." 1 Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!" ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Remove His Shorts <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/reshorts.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/reshorts.html Remove Her Bra <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rebra.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rebra.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. "Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. he added, "But confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?" The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind. "You smell good, too," she said, "What do you have on?" "Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� AT&T is reportedly interested in buying America On Line. If this occurs, Federal Government Regulators are concerned that the merger of the two Corporations would have a total monopoly on busy signals. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Fart echo... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.683 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.683 Smelly... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.685 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.685 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! Your co-operation is expected.> I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Jasmine <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjasmine.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjasmine.html Adult JigSaw Puzzle <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� "On The Road With An Idiot" is a continuing story that appears each Thursday...if you miss a segment...please check the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj There was a time when you knew you were in the CONSTRUCTION ZONE by the presence of orange cones and barrels. In Pennsylvania, the orange barrel had been named the state tree. But such roadside fashion statements have largely been replaced by concrete barriers. We have replaced space-age neon plastics with stone. This is progress? And just why do they call them construction zones? In most cases, there is some serious road destruction going on there. Sometimes they destroy an entire highway before putting another in its place. In other cases, they chop up segments to be replaced. And then there is the ever-popular roadway grooving, where it seems like they took a huge cheese grater to the road surface. The key to this destructive method is that you have to allow cars to drive on the grooved and roughened surface for several months before you actually put on a new, smooth surface. Contractors love this method, because no matter how shoddy their work is, the final product will be smoother than the grooves, and everybody will just be so glad not to have their teeth rattle when they drive. I've seen them blow up entire bridges, just so they can build a new one. It's kind of like guaranteed job security. Once the road or bridge is gone, they have to replace it-guaranteed job. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I wanna be a bear: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.... I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid...... I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs........ I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too..... I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup . . . I wanna be a bear. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"... ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Not the bathroom... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.687 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.687 ZAP!!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.689 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.689 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� An overweight Romanian policeman has resigned in embarrassment after falling into a toilet. The over 300lb constable fell into an open toilet at his local pub in the town of Dorohoi when the seat broke under his weight. The landlord pressed charges over his demolished toilet. Cornel Agheorghitoaie, 27, had been on a date with his fiancee when the accident happened. He said: "Imagine the way the people that I am supposed to serve would have looked at me - this is a really small town everyone was laughing. I had to go." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� During a lunch break at work, this Kiwi was sitting alone in a corner. A mate come over to see what he was doing. "I'm reading an interesting new book," explained the Kiwi. "It's about quick repartee and how to become proficient at it." "So what's quick repartee?" asked his mate. "It's the art of coming back with a sharp and witty answer when someone is rude to you," the Kiwi answered. "Does it work?" his mate asked. "Shit yeah. My brother read it before he went to the circus, where he got a front row seat. During the show, a clown came up and started asking him questions. "Have you ever played front-end of a donkey?" asked the clown. "When my brother said no, the clown asked: "Well then, have you ever played the rear-end of a donkey?" Again my brother said no. "Then, said the clown, bursting with laughter. "You've been no end of an ass, haven't you?" "The whole audience roared with laughter, and my brother was embarrassed at being made to look like a fool. Then he remembered the book and he came back with this quick answer which turned the tables on the clown." "What did he say?" asked his mate. "Fuck off, you red-nosed cunt!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] M I N I C R I B C R A W L E R [||||] Doctors in Rome believe that Pearl, a 31/2 month old tot who tipped the scales at 9.97 ounces at birth, is the tiniest preemie in history to survive and develop normally. (AP) Displacing Callista Flockhart who weighed a little over ten ounces when she signed to play Ally McBeal. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't too well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you're dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone". ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What's That Smell?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.691 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.691 Naughty granny... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.693 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.693 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Bizarre Sexual Trivia If disconnected, the sex organs of an armadillo are still active. Today, Japan leads the world in condom use and are sold door to door by women. The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits". White women and those women with a college degree in par- ticular are the most receptive to anal sex. When reading horizontally from Shakespeare's original published copy of Hamlet, the furthest left hand side reads "I am a homosexual" in the last 14 lines of the book. In the 1930s, a man was arrested on charges of molesting a duck in New York's Hyde Park. He however got off scot-free after pointing out in his defense that the duck was a fowl, not a beast, and that he was therefore innocent of the charge of bestiality. Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel Biker? Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells YOU to fuck off! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� ========================= THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI ========================= "INVITE A FEW INSECTS INTO YOUR LIFE" I recently had the pleasure of attending the famous Bug Bowl at Purdue University in Indiana, an annual event that helps people appreciate insects. Tom Turpin, an entomologist (insect expert), started the event more than a decade ago to show people that insects are not just a good source of entertainment, they're also a good source of protein. And rather tasty, too. Indeed, insects are a delicacy in some parts of the world, where people follow a simple, but wise philosophy: If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em. I've never eaten an insect myself, at least not while fully sober. But I don't want to make fun of people who do. After all, people around the world eat all kinds of creatures I would never touch. Some eat snakes, some eat frogs, and some -- believe it or not -- eat lobsters. But please don't call them primitive; they might throw their cell phones at you. As far as I could tell, there were no primitive people at the Bug Bowl, only civilized people eager to put insects in their mouths. I watched two young women munch chocolate-covered crickets on a stick, proving what I have long believed: Women will eat anything with chocolate on it. Husband: "Hey, what's that thing you're eating? It's got two heads and three eyes." Wife: "Who cares? It's been dipped in chocolate. Yummy!" To be fair, women weren't the only ones eating chocolate-covered crickets. I also spotted a few dogs. Female dogs. One of the biggest attractions was the cricket spitting contest, in which people put dead crickets in their mouths and spit them as far as possible. I fully understand why people do this. If they're ever charged with a crime and need to use the insanity plea, they've got enough proof. A 20-year-old Purdue student named Jake Ivankovig set a record by spitting a cricket 40 feet 9 inches. There's just a certain "thrill of seeing how far you can spit that cricket," Jake told the Lafayette Journal & Courier. We can only pray that Jake doesn't move to an enemy country like Iraq. With the right ammunition in his mouth, he could bring down hundreds of planes. Cricket spitting is growing in popularity around the world, though some people haven't quite learned the rules. Just a few months ago, a South African man, who obviously misunderstood the new sport, got into trouble for spitting on an Australian cricket player. If you have no desire to put crickets in your mouth, don't worry. The world is blessed with more than 1,400 edible insects, including mealworms, caterpillars and beetles. They may not seem appetizing to you, but wait until they're covered in chocolate! You'll be asking for seconds. Actually, insects can be tasty even without chocolate. Visitors to the Bug Bowl have tasted bug quiche, mealworm chow mein and caterpillar crunch. And most of them did not spit. There are two main advantages to eating insects, as any good entomologist will tell you. First and foremost, they contain lots of protein. That's why I've decided to serve them as often as possible, perhaps every day, to my in-laws. I'm concerned about their health. Second, insects are easy to raise. Just let a few into your home and you'll have millions in a week. You'll never again have to visit the grocery store. Just sit at the dining table with your mouth wide open. And don't forget your friends: They'll be so thrilled to receive your gift basket at Christmas. But whether you're raising ladybugs or roaches, be careful not to tell your landlord. He may ask for some. ---------------------------------------------------------- (c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com For a free subscription to his columns, send a blank mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Girlranch.com <a href="http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique Grandegirls.com <a href="http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique Interracialsexfest.com <a href="http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique ">Click</a> http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique Junglegirls.com <a href="http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique Kinkymaturesluts.com <a href="http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique Latinatime.com <a href="http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique Latinsfinest.com <a href="http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique Lipsticklesbo.com <a href="http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique Missionupskirt.com <a href="http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique">Click</a> http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique Need more? Check out: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! 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