���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Once more I am taking an extended break for the weekend...there will be no issue of Purehumour tomorrow (Friday) and Weird News Weekly and PHWeekly will not be published for the next two weeks. Purehumour will run Tues to Thurs next week with no issue Friday. Once the next two weekends are done...I think (and that is a stretch) that I will be back to a regular schedule once more! The month of April has been one of the busiest months for me ever...I have been on the road every weekend in April and I have had just about all I can take. This coming weekend puts me into Regina, Saskatchewan...certainly NOT the travel mecca for anyone! <good thing that people from Saskatchewan cannot read or else I may end up in serious trouble with a comment like that!> Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Liz, The Posens, Pat, Keli, Rubin, Pastor Barry, Barb, Michael, John, Marina, Tom. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It's "LIVE" <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.362 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.362 When nothing goes your way... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.363 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.363 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a happier place to be." "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know, Pete, if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a happier place." "Not bad," says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?" The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, shoots a full bottle of water into her vagina and lets it gush all over the floor. "Excellent! You're in!" says St Peter. "Hold on a minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say anything!" "Fred, you know the rules," says St Peter. "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey?" "Yes, darling?" "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if any- thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?" "Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for safety's sake, give me more than one!" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Too many to count! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� In marriage do thou be wise: Prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind, before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self. -William Penn ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Gimme a break... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.365 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.365 Confused?!? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.368 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.368 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Manly Code Of Ethics 1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate." 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent). 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'. 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. 18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more!" "Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. 30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!", you are absolved of your of responsibility. 31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� If Dads Were In Charge http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-60&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-60&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> Bad Dog! http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-61&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-61&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning." "And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, ...."Drained wops keep fallin' on my head".. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Dear Aggie: I met a man that is into nudity. I know he is slowing trying to convince me that joining NUDIST CAMP IS FUN AND HEALTHY and its a family thing. But I just don't plain believe in that way of life. We are planning on getting married in a few months. Have any suggestions for me....thank you.... not NAKED IN NC ]~[ Dear Nekkid... You're gonna marry someone whose lifestyle you dislike? In just a few months? Hmmm. Go ahead. You will just go diving into an empty swimming pool or something soon enough anyway, Brainiac... Aggie NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ">Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Thats gotta hurt... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.107 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.107 Casual Friday... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.113 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.113 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat up his sweater. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?" Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mommy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!" ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents. He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls ... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Bricklayer http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-62&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-62&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> Doggone Tired http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-63&R=2-10-1 <a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-63&R=2-10-1";>Click Here</a> ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� Is their blinker malfunctioning? Are they traveling around the world to the right? Are they deaf and blind? (That would explain why they are not turning that slowly.) Perhaps they are driving slow because they are trying to figure out what the hell that clicking noise really is. Or are they just intentionally being rude? Have they appeared here in front of me just to ruin my day? If I walk along in the mall and yell back over my shoulder that I am going to turn into the Gap, but then I don't, wouldn't that annoy the people behind me? If I further announced I was going to turn into the Orange Julius, but then I don't, wouldn't they get a bit irritated? If I went on to say I still intended to turn, perhaps into Sears, or maybe the restroom, what do you think they would do? They will look at you funny. They will say things about you. They will call security. Security will not understand that you are researching an hypothesis on driving behavior. I am thrown out of the mall. But, I digress. Eventually they will turn�and odds are pretty good it will be opposite what the blinker suggests. Look at them funny and say things about them. Gesture if you will. But don't call security�they already know me too well. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A priest gets a flat tyre fixed. As the car's coming down on the hoist, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight ?" The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's pussy." The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� This is the WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS BOOK! Get it now before it is banned...See why US Senators have been trying to block the sale of this book...learn the secret of the pros...that NO ONE wants you to know! It is all here...and the price has never been lower! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Checking out the babes... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.127 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.127 Screw-ing in a light bulb... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.165 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.165 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A dog has survived a 40ft fall after jumping out of a third-floor window to try and catch a squirrel. Leo the Labrador was sitting in a flat in Brighton with his owner when he spotted the squirrel in trees. He pushed open the window with his nose and jumped, missing the tree and landing on the pavement. The Evening Argus says owner Colin Rowland found him lying motionless and feared the worst. Leo cut his back leg in the fall. Vets expect him to make a full recovery. Mr Rowland thought he was dead. Mr Rowland, a joiner from Hove, believes his dog survived the fall because he takes part in monthly dog agility classes. He remembers watching Leo's tail disappear through the window and expected to find him dead. Mr Rowland said: "I shouted but it was just too late. I felt really sick. All I remember thinking is that I would have to scrape him off the pavement. "I picked him up and laid him in the back of the car and he just collapsed. I though he was a goner. He was in shock and I didn't know if he'd done some internal damage." When he arrived at the vet's Leo still hadn't moved a muscle. Mr Rowland said: "Then he sat up and noticed all the nice ladies and began jumping up and running around. I felt like a fraud. He's a miracle." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father." About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] P O R K R E P O R T [||||] Members of the Florida Hiway Patrol will be denied a $500 performance bonus if they're found to be more than 15 pounds overweight. (USA Today) Or, if bike cops, their motorcycles can't be seen. BONUS! [||||] S C O R E B O A R D [||||] Boston 80, Chicago 26, Cincinnati, 20, New York 36 and Philadelphia 40. (US News) Football scores? Don't we wish. Priest pedophiles exposed over the past 20 years. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� For the women: I wanna be a bear!!!! A Female Bear If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wanna be a bear. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Padding the Bra... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.205 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.205 I Said "PING PONG"! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.227 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.227 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop culture? Instead of being in boring old English they'd be written in Ebonics. I've taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure. "Luke, I'm your father." Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy." "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Ebonics: "Later, bitch!" "To be or not to be? That is the question." Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit" "I'll be back." Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass." "We're off to see the wizard." "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo." "I am Spartacus." Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� At my last divorce hearing, the judge looked at me just before he signed the papers and said, "Don't do this again." I still don't know whether he meant get married or get divorced. To be safe, I've done neither. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Oversights & Pearly Whites by Dave Glardon It's been said that the only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Some of us do more than our fair share to prove the validity of that statement. Not long ago, I read about a woman who stumbled to the bathroom, reached into the medicine cabinet, and took out a bottle of what she assumed to be eye drops. Had she taken a moment to read the label, she'd have seen that it was a bottle of super glue. I remember thinking, "How stupid! Who would put anything in their eyes without being certain of what it was? She's lucky it wasn't � well okay, maybe she's not so lucky." At least she didn't do any permanent damage to her eyes, though the prognosis for her ego is pretty grim. I thought about this a few days ago as I was brushing my teeth. I remember thinking, "This stuff sure is foamy. Colgate never foams up like that. And what's that taste?" Okay, we all know it wasn't toothpaste. I keep a few personal care products in my desk at work, and was freshening up for a visit to my doctor. I was in a hurry, and didn't take time to read the label. If I had, you can rest assured I would not have brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone. Hey, I've never been accused of being a genius. Besides, it could have been worse. There are a lot of other things in our medicine cabinet. Had I been home, I may have used Ben Gay. I bet it has a nice minty flavor. Whose idea was it to put rash cream in a toothpaste tube anyway? It was probably the same people who decided to use similar cans for hairspray, deodorant, and insecticides. Be careful what you spray under your arms. Alright, so most of us pay a little more attention to what we smear on our toothbrush. It could have happened to anyone. Not that anyone else would admit to it, but my job is to make people laugh. Still, you have to wonder who in their right mind would put styling mousse and hair removal foam in identical containers. Make a mistake with this stuff, and you'll look like Sinead O'Connor. And medicine bottles are just as bad. Ear drops, eye drops, and nasal spray all come in the same kind of container. Shoot the wrong one up your nose and see how red your eyes get. And the problem isn't limited to the medicine cabinet. I once sold a car to a friend, and two days later he wanted his money back. Seems he pumped all the fluid out of the clutch reservoir, and refilled it in the dark. He knew he had the right stuff by the shape of the can. Oh, did I forget to mention that brake fluid cans are also used for bug & tar remover? But in all fairness, there are only so many different types of containers available. Besides, when it comes to stupidity, some people are exceptionally gifted. I had a friend in the Navy who set his kitchen on fire by trying to soak baked beans out of a pan with chlorine bleach. Okay, so it wasn't bleach. His wife had filled an empty bleach bottle with gasoline for the lawn mower. Did she leave it outside? No, she set it in the laundry room. He smelled gas and thought the bleach had reacted with the dish detergent. He even called to tell me of his discovery. The last thing I heard was, "Hold on and I'll see if it burns." I guess the moral of the story is to keep things in the right container, and be sure you know what you've got before you put it in your eyes, mouth, or hair. And just to be on the safe side, it's best to keep matches out of the reach of idiots. I've learned my lesson. Never again will I be so stupid. This is what I'm thinking as I gingerly apply the hemorrhoid ointment. Then I see the unopened tube of ointment in the medicine cabinet. What's it doing there? Even more importantly, where's that tube of bathtub sealant? � 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved -- Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense of the nineties. You can visit his Website at http://www.daveglardon.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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