���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! A group of humour writers have gotten together and started a "Survivor" game online...some of the people involved in this are people that I regularly feature in the editorial section of Purehumour...please lend your support to those writers by voting off the others! ;) <a href=" http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com ">Click</a> http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com And don't forget the contest which is still running...you could win a signed copy of Kim Burke's new book! Check out Kim's article in today's issue...then enter the contest! <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: D.A. Funk, Pat, SunAmy, Joni, Keli, Stan. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I'm stuck... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.1140 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.1140 Remember to back-up! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.1 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.1 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Rummage through grandma's purse, Break open the kids piggy bank, Root around between the cushions of the sofa, do whatever it takes to scrounge up a measly 15 bucks for your very own copy of That's Comedy! on CD - the new CD that Playboy Magazine, Howard Stern and Larry King have all said absolutely nothing about. THIS JUST IN! - OPRAH WINFREY has also said nothing about this CD! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click<a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Bicycles maybe? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� If you're not using your smile, you're like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no checkbook. -Les Giblin ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Help in an online world.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.23 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.23 Which one's the Hacker.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.27 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.27 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Greg came home from work and found Keli admiring her breasts in the mirror. Greg asked, "What are you doing?" Keli replied, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." Greg retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" Keli replies, "Frankly Greg, your name never came up." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� How Long Since You had Sex <a href=" http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/5.html ">Click</a> http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/5.html Star Trek Toilet Paper <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010204.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010204.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked George. "Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What river is the longest in Canada? A. St. Lawrence B. Mackenzie C. Fraser D. Columbia --- Blind and unable to stand, newborn puppies spend their time how? A. Learning to hunt by playing with their siblings B. Doing calisthenics to sustain an adequate body temperature C. Sleeping about 90 percent of the time and nursing the other 10 percent D. Trying to escape mother <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is the southernmost city in Canada? A. Windsor, Ontario --- The gestation period for musk deer is 160 days. Can you guess how long it is for roe deer? D. 10 months � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� www.Time2Sleep.com.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.29 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.29 It's a Worm... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.364 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.364 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away. A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down. A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Pick N Pair Sports <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ppairsports.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ppairsports.html Crate Man <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cman.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cman.html Click N Slide <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickslide.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickslide.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� For some odd reason, I look at my fuel gauge. I was probably nodding off since my coffee is on empty, but my bladder has not yet reached full. I'm in the red zone. Whatever should I do? Throw a fade to the corner, a run up the middle, and then try to hit the tight end on a crossing pattern. If all else fails, I'll kick the field goal. My low gas light is not on, so I ignore the needle. Several exits later, I decide there must not be enough gas left to actually power the light. It has not come on and the needle is practically past the E (E for emergency.) Why don't they have a little light to warn me that my gas light is not working? I know this road well, and I've got at least 20 miles before the next gas station. I turn off the air conditioner to conserve gas. It's a 100 degrees outside but I dare not keep the window down since the increased air turbulence will cause too much drag and decrease my fuel efficiency. I start to ditch any ballast I can find, careful not to let the window down too long. Out goes the maps in the glove compartment and an empty soda can. The floor mats-gone. The radio-it's outta here. I'll come back for the radio. And the kids. I throw out my shirt and shoes-what the heck, with the air off I' m sweating like a pig anyway. It's hard to drive while you're unbolting your seat, but I finally see the gas station ahead. Unfortunately, as I pull up to the pump with just enough gas top get me to the nozzle, I realize that my wallet is in my pants. They went out shortly after the shirt and shoes. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One Friday afternoon Wendy and Anni are sitting on the front porch. Anni says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend." Wendy asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� My mouse has eloped... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.69 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.69 The meaning of Life. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.85 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.85 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A man who wants to cover his entire body with tattoos says he wants his skin sold after he's died. Eric Vinten hopes its sale will help provide for his four children. He also wants his skin preserved and displayed. He's now got 45% of his body covered after spending two hours a week for seven months at a tattoo parlour. The Argus quotes his tattooist Jason Williams as saying Eric's skin should be highly collectable if it comes up for auction. Mr Vinten said: "My skin is not going to be any use to me when I die so it may as well be auctioned. It would be such a waste to take such beautiful artwork to my grave with me. Plus I want to give my children some financial help for their futures. "I have heard about people's tattooed skin being sold in places like Japan and America. In China, some are used as lampshade covers. I'm not sure how I would feel having my skin stretched over a lampshade but I'm hoping it will be displayed somewhere for people to admire." Lionel Titchener of the Tattoo Club of Great Britain said: "Stripping of the skin is more common in Japan but not so much over here. The reason is because it is very difficult to persuade a doctor to carry out the skin stripping, whereas in Japan and America doctors are more accommodating." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The mayor of a small town in Texas decided to ride with a policeman to learn what they do when they issue a traffic ticket. The officer told the mayor, " we'll just follow a car for a few miles and the motorist will surely make a mistake somewhere on his trip." They found a guy in a Lexus and began to follow. After three miles no violations. Then six miles no violations and then after ten miles the policeman turned to the mayor and said, "I think I'll stop that driver and congratulate him on being so careful." He pulled the car to the side of the road and went slowly to the drivers window. He complemented the driver for being so careful and the driver said, "Hic! Ya gotta be careful when you're drunk ash I am!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] D I V E ! [||||] The $5 mil America's Cup contender Stars and Stripes helmed by mega bucked jibster Dennis Conner sprang a leak and deep sixed whilst undergoing seaworthiness tests near Long Beach, CA (LA Daily News) The Russian Navy immediately issued a formal denial that they had any subs in the area. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Life of a Computer addict. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.95 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.95 So now we know... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.109 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.109 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Vladimir Putin wakes up in the morning, sees the sun, and says, "Good morning, sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good morning, President Putin." Later that afternoon, he faces the window, turns to the sun, and says "Good afternoon, sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good afternoon, President Putin." That evening, as it began to grow dark, he turns to the sky and asks the sun why it isn't there. The sun replies, "Fuck you, Putin--I'm in the west now!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? An armadildo. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Get a signed copy of Kim's book! FREE! <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Incidents And Accidents by Kim Burke Rebuttals and Other Annoyances There are certain statements some men make, which make some women want to dig their heels in the ground. I am sure you have heard the snotty one-liners I am about to display but luckily, drawing from my warped sense of imagination, I have created some rebuttals to use, which will eventually keep these snide remarks from ever being used again. He says, "You did it to yourself." You say (no matter what the subject at hand is), "Yeah and I'm a lot better at it than you are. "He says, "You're just a woman. You say (hitting below the belt), "Too bad you're just a man." He says, "No one can make you feel bad. "You say, "Have you felt yourself lately?" He says, "I don't understand you at all." You say, "It must be a shocking and bewildering experience to have someone disagree with your point of view." "He says, "You should do it my way." You say, "Until I get struck white-headed and a couple of stones with instructions fall from the sky, I'll stick to doing it my way." If a man wants to turn a woman off forever, all he has to do is turn charm into a macho, better-than-thou attitude. The man will become an instant idiot in the bedroom department because he has proven he is outside of it. It isn't only men who cause me to ponder the extremities of life and wonder if there is a third part of the brain other people have that I don't. Women who completely shave off the hair from their lower elements disturb me. How do they not keep from scratching their crotch all day long? I know this because when a woman goes into labor to have a baby at the hospital, she gets shaved. It's an added bonus male doctors came up with. However, a couple of days later when things begin to go back to normal, you can't keep your hands off of yourself. The experience is overwhelmingly exasperating! So why would a woman do this on purpose? You just know they itch but I don' t think we see these women often because I don't think they spend a lot of time outside. A woman can't be doing this for herself because if it is a part of the body that is covered up most of the time, who cares what it looks like? Also, why would any woman get pierced down there? When women get their ears pierced they have to be careful not to get what? An infection! A yeast infection is difficult enough to endure. Why up your chances for more? Some women say they do it so they can have a better orgasm. I say if you need an earring down there for that, you weren't doing it right to begin with. Plus, you need to beware of zippers! And what if their mate has a bullring or their own particular piercing and everything gets stuck? One wrong move and your hot night will come to a ripping halt. There are still other ponderings that interfere with my otherwise normal state of mind: Why do we lose socks in the dryer but dishes never disappear in the dishwasher? What should we call grandparents who weren't that great at parenting to begin with? Who came up with the color puke-green and why use it on a house or car? What is puke-green's purpose in life? Is it there just to show us how far not to go? Of course, this is all coming from a woman who used to think, as a young child, that white people would lie in the sun to get dark and black people would lie in the sun to get light. I also thought when I laid my head on a pillow and heard my heart beat, it was the sound of little people running around in my head. Sometimes I still wonder if the latter is true. -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Girlranch.com <a href="http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique Grandegirls.com <a href="http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique Interracialsexfest.com <a href="http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique ">Click</a> http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique Junglegirls.com <a href="http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique Kinkymaturesluts.com <a href="http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique Latinatime.com <a href="http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique Latinsfinest.com <a href="http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique Lipsticklesbo.com <a href="http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique Missionupskirt.com <a href="http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique Need more? Check out: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! 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