���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well this is the final issue for this week...tomorrow morning the family is taking off for a weekend road trip (memories of National Lampoon's Vacation come to mind!)...actually we are off to visit with my older brother who I haven't seen for over 14 years! So the PH ezines are on hold until next week...some things are just a little bit more important! Enjoy this issue in its full form...with all the new laws being instituted by our various governments...I may soon have to implement a "smoke-free" section of Purehumour...which will mean that I cannot smoke while composing that section...and you will not be able to smoke while reading that section...we haven't quite gotten the percentage of Purehumour which must be smoke-free...but heck the gov't will figure out a way to screw it up...so watch for the "Non Smoking" section of Purehumour soon! Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Amanda, Stan, Marina, Ruth, Marsha, John, Ken. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an impotence clinic? He chose to cancel because something came up! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Pulling your own strings... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.651 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.651 What a mess... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.642 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.642 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some new sexual terms.... WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� The sun is shining and the birds are singing...so what do you do? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. -Josh Billings ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� A nervous bunch... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.643 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.643 What's she been doing?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.644 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.644 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jack, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do wrong?" ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� His and Hers Remotes <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/04250201.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/04250201.html How Ice Cubes Are Made <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/04250202.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/04250202.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh, you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? ,,,,,, So he can make a new hole ,,,,,, ! ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while...it isn't so hot. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Heart treatment... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.645 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.645 Fantasies... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.646 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.646 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste. ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Nick was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stopped him and said, "I'm placing you under arrest." "Why?" asked Nick. "For impersonating an office, sir," replied the policeman ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� I Have A Surprise For You Honey <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/04250201.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/04250201.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� "On The Road With An Idiot" is a continuing story that appears each Thursday...if you miss a segment...please check the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj After letting seventy (or some number that seems like that) cars enter the construction zone, Bob turns his sign from Slow to Stop. I'm sure he didn't intend to stop me so I start to accelerate to continue following the car ahead of me. Not so fast. Not so fast! Bob steps forward to block my way. I pretend I don't see him-you can't make eye contact with him. If he knows you see him, you have no choice but to run him over or stop. If you don't make eye contact you can honestly say you didn't know you were supposed to stop. Bob won't allow me to continue. This is Bob's purpose in life. Out of the myriad of cars that just went by him, Bob has chosen me to wait until the oncoming traffic traveling the other direction has had their turn. I don't want to take turns. Bob stares at me with consternation. I return a look of constipation. Bob waves his finger at me. I fart. Then I realize the windows are up to keep all the construction dust out of my nasal passages and lungs. I can't breathe. Things are starting to grow dim. I shouldn't have eaten that burrito for lunch. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." ... When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table... ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A deaf-mute strolls into a pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. Unfortunately, he can't find the rubbers. Because he doesn't speak, he tries explaining to the pharmacist with his hands, but the pharmacist fails to understand. Frustrated, the deaf-mute guy unzips his pants, pulls his penis out, and (thud!) drops it onto the counter. Then he lays a five-dollar bill down next to it. "Ah," says the pharmacist. Smiling, he also unzips his pants and flops his penis on the counter. Then he pockets the deaf man's cash. The man begins to curse in sign language. "Sorry," says the pharmacist. "If you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't gamble." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Brrrr... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.647 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.647 Pretty?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.648 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.648 Whip me... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.649 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.649 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A man is fighting for his life in hospital in Canada after a game of croquet turned ugly. Three other men are also in hospital after being hit with mallets, and nine people were arrested following the vicious brawl. It began when insults were exchanged between a rounders team and the croquet team using the same park in Calgary, Canada. Police say one man is in a hospital trauma centre with life-threatening head injuries. The groups did not know each other but both had been drinking alcohol. Detective Dean Vegso said: "For whatever reason the two groups got into a verbal argument, which turned into a fist fight and then they began hitting each other with the wooden croquet mallets." The trouble seems to have started when the ball players heard one of the croquet players arguing with female croquet player over the rules, he said. The verbal argument turned into a fist fight and then things really turned ugly, reports the Canadian Press. "It seems like members of the croquet team as well as members of the baseball team somehow acquired these croquet mallets and things just got out of hand," Detective Vegso said. "They started swinging them around." A 31-year-old ball player hit over the head with a croquet mallet was knocked unconscious. He has yet to be interviewed. No charges have yet been brought against anyone. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband." The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband." The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] G R E E N G R O U N D E D [||||] Drew Barrymore's hubby for 10 minutes, Tom Green, got booed off the stage in Cleveland during a standup routine that had audience members in the aisle -- throwing empty beer bottles at him. (AP) Bad week for Tom. On his way to the gig, the in flight movie was "Freddie Got Fingered" and he almost got thrown off the plane. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two carrots were out joyriding and had a terrible collision. They were rushed to the hospital. The carrot that was driving wasn't really too badly hurt; other than a broken leg, he would be out of the hospital in a day or two. But his carrot friend was critical. In fact, doctors weren't sure at first whether he would make it. They rushed him into surgery and performed several hours of delicate repairs. Finally, the head surgeon came into the driver carrot's room. He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. Your friend is going to make it; that's the good news. The bad news is, he'll probably be a vegetable for the rest of his life." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The love NuN... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.650 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.650 Now That's a Ripper... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.200 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.200 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch? So he could greet visitors with a handshake. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� ========================= THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI ========================= "T-SHIRTS MAKE NO SENSE, EARN NO CENTS" Did you hear the story of Abercrombie & Fitch, the clothing company that has 311 stores in America, $1.3 billion in annual sales, and 30 nincompoops in its design department? Those are conservative estimates -- The company may have as many as 3,000 nincompoops. It's hard to tell, frankly, because no one keeps track of such statistics, not even the U.S. Department of Mental Health. Stock market analysts are no good either. They offer all kinds of detailed information about each company, but never give us the most valuable statistic: nincompoop-to-genius ratio. It could have saved many of us from that disaster known as Enron. We'll never know if any of Abercrombie's designers are geniuses, but given their recent performance, we can be certain that many of them would have trouble voting in Florida. Still, they must have congratulated themselves, perhaps threw a party, after designing the company's stylish new line of let's-offend-all-the-Asians T-shirts. Abercrombie, which markets clothes to college students, had previously offended several other groups and didn't want America's growing Asian population to feel left out. So the company produced T-shirts depicting caricatures of Asians with slanted eyes and conical hats, expecting the garments to be quite popular, and not just at Klan rallies. Following protests from Asian Americans, the $25 T-shirts were yanked off the market, leaving me to wonder what the designers were thinking. Or drinking. Did they really believe they could get away with such depictions, especially in the politically correct 21st century, when people are so easily offended? Why, just the other day, a car salesman took offense when a customer asked if a car was USED. "It's not a used car," he said. "It's a pre-owned car!" Yes, and Tom Cruise isn't divorced. He's pre-married. And don't you dare call me dark-skinned. I'm not dark-skinned; I'm just pre-tanned. To confirm the T-shirts' offensiveness, perhaps we should discuss them with an Abercrombie designer and an Asian man. The first T-shirt shows an Asian pulling a rickshaw with the words "Rick Shaw's Hoagies & Grinders. Order by the foot. Good meat. Quick feet." Designer: "This portrays Asians very positively, because it shows they have good meat and quick feet." Asian man: "Quick feet that are about to kick your meat! This is offensive. Few of us pull rickshaws, few of us wear conical hats, and few of us like hoagies." The second T-shirt shows two Asian men at "Wong Brothers Laundry Service" with the slogan "Two Wongs Can Make it White." Designer: "This is also positive, because it shows that Asians can do some things rather well, especially laundry!" Asian: "Quick feet! Don't forget my quick feet! If two Wongs can make it white, how many whites can make it wong? This T-shirt makes fun of how we speak. It is very wong. I mean, wrong." The third T-shirt shows an Asian man bowling with the words "Wok-N-Bowl -- Let the Good Times Roll -- Chinese Food & Bowling." Designer: "This is also positive, showing how much fun you can have at a bowling alley in Chinatown." Asian: "This T-shirt teases us, because there is no Chinese food at bowling alleys. I tried to order some once, but the manager said all he could serve me was hot dogs. I was so offended. Just because I'm Asian, he thinks I eat dogs!" ---------------------------------------------------------- (c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com For a free subscription to his columns, send a blank mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Girlranch.com <a href="http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique Grandegirls.com <a href="http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique Interracialsexfest.com <a href="http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique ">Click</a> http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique Junglegirls.com <a href="http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique Kinkymaturesluts.com <a href="http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique Latinatime.com <a href="http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique Latinsfinest.com <a href="http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique Lipsticklesbo.com <a href="http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique Missionupskirt.com <a href="http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique Need more? 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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