���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Some things are so Canadian! Last night I watched the first annual International Beer Games from Toronto! Sixteen countries competed in various beer related events from drinking to curling with beer glasses. After a slow start to the competition, Canada eventually won the overall championship based on two golds in the drinking portions of the event! This proves once more where Canada is really dominant, eh! ;) A very special Happy Birthday to my internet buddy Lissa...Lissa is the publisher of Northcoast-Express which will soon be joining the Purehumour Family by coming live and direct from Paul's Fun House! Have a great one....don't do anything that I wouldn't do... errrr...maybe ignore that last comment...there isn't much that I wouldn't do! ;) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html YOU could WIN $50.00 just by subscribing to Purehumour Ad-Free! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, John, Laura, Dineo, Carroll, Ishy, SunAmy. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What did the rabbi's wife give him for his birthday? Unleavened head. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I'm blue... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116 Who cut the Cheese?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know.... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F???, Etc." A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: ...I am a "B I T C H." "So, just exactly what is a B I T C H????" They ask in unison. B - BABE I - IN T - TOTAL C - CONTROL of H - HERSELF So ladies, next time somebody calls you "B i t c h" ...SMILE...... and say.... Thank You!!!!!!!! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� LA? New York or the SunSet Strip? Boston or Baton Rouge? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� When you are good to others, you are best to yourself -Franklin ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Spring training... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1114 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1114 Getting serious... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1113 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1113 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Tales From The E.R. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX -- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA -- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada -- I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA -- During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA -- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR -- I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI -- A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Mary Virginia Corkle R.N.M.N ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Helping With The Laundry <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog8.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog8.htm Solving The Problem <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/13.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/13.htm My Husband Has A Lousy Memory <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/16.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/16.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Darwin and Newton share a laugh." Mexico is home to two hot caverns containing the largest natural crystals known to man. "Walking into either of these caves is like stepping into a (sweltering) gigantic geode," described one awed observer. Some of the translucent selenite crystals are over 20 feet long. The newly-discovered caverns, 1200 feet below Chihuahua, carry a curse for those who seek to plunder their riches. A man recently tried to steal one of the magnificent crystals from the roof, and might have succeeded... if he hadn't stood directly beneath it while chopping it free. He was crushed by the stalactite as it heeded the call of gravity. Copyright 2002 by Wendy Northcutt <http://www.DarwinAwards.com> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another,how many dollars would you have. Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!" Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic." Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� My sex life is so bad ... that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Escape hatch... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1112 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1112 Playing too much... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1111 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1111 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos. 1. Beard abrasions on areola. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� William Shakespeare went into a pub the landlord said you can't come in here your barred. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Adult Slider Puzzle <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/slider.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/slider.html King Pin Bowling <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bowl.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bowl.html Tetris <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tet.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tet.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� In my hometown, the construction workers like guaranteed job security. For instance, when a road has finally pot holed out-as evidenced by the fact that you cannot drive more than a car's length without hitting a pothole (and you can't swerve because there's another one strategically located to foil your efforts)-the road crews will spend months repaving the scarred surfaced. Some roads have had the potholes patched up over the years, so that by the time they come to repave the road, there isn't any of the original asphalt or concrete left. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was finished long before these yahoos can complete a job. In the end, you have to admit the road looks pretty darn good. It's even a pleasure to drive on. If ever there was a perfect road, this is the one (it should be perfect given the amount of time and inconvenience to build it, not to mention the taxpayer cost.) So the following week, the crews are back to tear it up. You got it-they dig a trench the whole way across the newly paved street and then patch it up as well as Tammy Faye Baker spackles her face. Apparently, they damaged a water line or something like that when they laid the new pavement. (The best way to test water lines is to repave the road over top of them.) Conspiracy or coincidence? It's a guaranteed job. Pave a road. Tear it up. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?" As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "I know! It's the one they have in front of the grocery store." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What does it say?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1110 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1110 Masking tape... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1109 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1109 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A firm which makes possum fur nipple warmers now makes matching G-strings. Gray Fur Traders of Hokitika in New Zealand makes a version for men and women from the tree- dwelling creatures, considered to be a pest in the country. Peter Gray said the knickers, dyed in bright shades, were not yet as popular as the nipple warmers. At a 'field day' event he had sold a dozen pairs of nipple warmers in the first hour, but just one set of his and hers G-strings, reports the Waikato Times. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said."Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] M c A P O L O G Y [||||] Micky Doo has forked over $10 million to Muslim groups who claim they were sullied by the chain's claim that their McFries were "vegetarian" when they contained minute traces of beef flavoring. (CNN) The Golden Archers got cocky after getting away with the claim for so long that their burgers taste like beef. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out into traffic smoking the tires. after the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old man and asked " Do you smell that SHIT!" and the old man replied " I aught to, I'M SITTING IN IT!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� How things change... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1108 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1108 Hit a stone... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1107 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1107 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang. His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? It's called "Abzorba the Leak." ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� A Hot-Blooded Woman With an Ice Chest By Kim Burke I am going to come clean with all of you. After failing to come up with a clever, witty topic for this week's column, I have decided to be honest. At the moment, my life is in a state of chaotic disarray. Two weeks ago, my family and I moved into a one hundred year old house, which has to be completely remodeled. Richard and I are restoring the house daily WITHOUT air-conditioning! It is June. I do not know where you reside but I live in the south. For the past two weeks, the temperature has been climbing into the lower 90's each day. I am an American woman. I do not know how to function without air-conditioning. I have been conditioned to live with air-conditioning. It is a natural resource in my life and a dear friend. A house without temperature-control is not normal and neither am I, at the moment. I have accomplished many things but I cannot remember how or what I have done exactly. The house is shaping up. I have been involved in the work process. It is beginning to look good. But I'll be double-dog danged if I can recall how it got this way. I am so backwards. I actually took my Silky Terrier to be groomed yesterday, where there is air-conditioning, came home, lay on the floor and panted for two hours. Cold baths have become the highlight of my day and baby powder is now a part of my daily body cleansing routine. Did I mention in last week's column that I enjoyed hanging around in shorts and a tank top? I lied. I prefer sitting naked in the freezer now. It is so humid. The new wallpaper border will not stick. We now have to buy some super-ultra glue, which will MAKE it stay in place. At the moment, it is hanging off of the wall like garland on a Christmas tree during the holidays except it isn't pleasant to look at. As a matter of fact, it ticks me off. It's drooping there as if it doesn't have a job to do. Its job is to be still and represent our walls correctly. Socially inept border disorder. You would think it would be grateful to have a home to go to and not have to stay rolled up in plastic 24/7. Decorative ingrate! As you can see, I have hit an all-time psychological breakdown. I'm venting to wallpaper border. I don't believe this can be topped. Literally, it can 't be. Even Richard's deer head (the murderer), which he proudly displays on the wall, hangs its tongue out lately. As you know, heat has a way of quickly zapping a body's energy. While working at my desk I have, from time to time, nodded off while my fingers were still typing away. I didn't think this was humanly possible. It is humanly possible. It is amazing what one can get done on autopilot. Sadly, the less I think, the quicker my tasks are completed. This revelation has completely unraveled my state of being. I thought I was creative. Not really. I just live my material really well. Supposedly air-conditioning will be installed tomorrow and I will finally be able to wake up from this heat-infested nightmare. It is interesting what one can accomplish and overcome when placed in the midst of the pit of hell. I will be all the more grateful for my heavenly home. -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Girlranch.com <a href="http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.girlranch.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gr&program=unique Grandegirls.com <a href="http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.grandegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=gg&program=unique Interracialsexfest.com <a href="http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique ">Click</a> http://www2.interracialsexfest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=is&program=unique Junglegirls.com <a href="http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.junglegirls.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=jg&program=unique Kinkymaturesluts.com <a href="http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.kinkymaturesluts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=km&program=unique Latinatime.com <a href="http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinatime.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lt&program=unique Latinsfinest.com <a href="http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.latinsfinest.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=lf&program=unique Lipsticklesbo.com <a href="http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.lipsticklesbo.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ll&program=unique Missionupskirt.com <a href="http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.missionupskirt.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=mu&program=unique Need more? Check out: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! 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