and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Coming soon...as promised...Live Video Chat with The Pooh-Bah...
and I have made some changes...it will NOT be featured on Yahoo
Instant Messenger due to many problems with their service...including
the total lack of any guarantees. I am working on running it off my own
website and once the final tweaks are made...I will let you know where
to find the page.
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Suzanne, The Posens,
Rubin, Stan, John, Ken, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=""" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:
How do you know when a woman is getting old?
Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long.
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
In The Daily Telegraph this morning TRUE STORY.
There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
Her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit
Herts.
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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and
is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and
seed. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my
bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" asked
the farmer. "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it
all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his
fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull
gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the
bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his
wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his
nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and
cries out, "Darling. Look at this!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the
middle of the night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"
���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------���
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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���
"Happiness is not about getting what you want, it's wanting what you've
got."
-unknown
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York
City restaurant.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that
the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men
replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you wanking off?"
One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost
my temper and said some bad words to one of my
opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more
chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin'
when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be
boys."
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
There once was a girl named Hortence
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
There once was a man name of Ewing
Who thought, "Why be bothered with screwing?
When it's cheaper and cleaner
To finger your weiner
And besides, you can see what you're doing!"
Said a young whore known as Mable
Who at fucking is willing and able,
"It's a pity to waste
All that Juicy white paste,"
So she served it in bowls at the table.
���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------���
Dear Aggie:
I have been seeing this Lady for some time,and see
seems to be very bright not to mention attractive.
I been feeling that I would want her to be the
mother of my future children. Unfortunately I have
discovered that she has two nipples on her left
breast. This has made me have second thoughts
about building a family with Rosemary. What if this
oddity were to pass along the one of our children?
Or even worse it were to pass to a son, and he could
end up with two penises. Now my confidence is shaken
and I am wondering if this lady is for me?
Please advise.
Ydnar
]~[
Dear Randy (oooh, code!! How long did it take you
to master that huge cryptographic algorithm ,
Poindexter ? )
First, as to the breasts....The kid will get his
( or hers ), and you wont have to give up a place.
Two penises? Do I have really have to spell out the
exhibitions, ticket, and t- shirt revenues? Not to
mention double your fun with
Double....never mind.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href=""http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear" Aggie</a>
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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q.
of 165, I'd like to make a donation."
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20
minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door, "Is
there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured
cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She
gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���
Due to budget cutbacks in Hollywood, many people on the staff of popular
game shows were laid off. Even the well paid hosts of some shows were
rumored to losing their jobs to younger, less expensive hunks. The aging
host of one show in particular almost had a heart attack when he
received and misunderstood a reassuring note from his producer that
seemed to indicate he was about to get the axe. What did the note say?
Alex, Your job will always be in Jeopardy!
���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���
The End
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Morris, the dumb, walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
looks at Morris and says, " Have you seen Eileen?"
Morris is really confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."
Well Morris, the dumb, was offended by this and walks out the door
and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer
he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you
should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben, and when
he says Ben who, you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.
So Morris goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if
he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
So Morris asks" Eileen who?
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviewed some papers and then said, "please tell me why you are
seeking a divorce, Mr. Krzewinski."
"Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal
about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other
story is 'It's that time of the month."
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Email me a pitza
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���
Hong Kong police say officers paid for sex to expose
a massage parlour as a brothel.
Two officers visited the parlour in Sheung Wan 12
times in two months.
They paid around �3 for each service. These included
erotic massages and masturbation.
A police spokesman didn't explain why they had to make
so many visits.
Two female proprietors of Kalee Beauty Centre admitted
running a brothel and were given suspended jail sentences.
The details of the undercover operation came out in court.
A police spokesman told the South China Morning Post the
officers' action was necessary to the operation, but didn't
explain the number of visits.
While prostitution isn't a crime in Hong Kong, running a
brothel is.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=""" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=""" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
<A Classic!>
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the
differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's
kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but
gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand,
and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take no crap off nobody!"
���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���
[||||] Y O U ' R E R I G H T S I R! [||||]
Former Carson sidekick Ed McMahon has sued his contractor for installing
insulation in his new BevHills digs that sickened him, his spouse and
sent his dog to canine heaven. (USA Today)
What was supposed to be poly urethane turned out to be Alpo.
BONUS
[||||] D E R M A V I S I O N [||||]
Advertisers are now paying big bucks to rent skin space on pro fisters
who wear temporary tattoos during televised bouts. (USA Today)
Frito-Lay will bring back its "Betcha Can't Eat Just One!" campaign to
display on Mike Tyson.
Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging
away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says
the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her.
Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The
mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up
onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell
happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after
that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me
back to her place to spend the night."
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must
have run a thousand miles!"
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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four-hour
pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to know, in detail,
how he had made out.
The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, "What a piece of fuckin' luck
I had. I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this
fuckin' broad and was she stacked! We got to talking and I took her out
for some fuckin' hamburgers. Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got
friendly. Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five
minutes I had every fuckin' stitch off her."
He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?" What
happened?"
And the soldier said, "What do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks? We
had sexual intercourse."
���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
What does woman stand for?
Will Often Moan And Nag
���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���
Who�s Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
April 22, 2002
Will the Catholic Church go the way of Enron? The Pope and Ken Lay might not end up as cellmates on earth, but their room together has already been booked in the Hyatt Regency on the third level of hell.
- Helen -
5. Saddam Hussein has offered $25,000 to all suicide bombers and to Lisa Bonet not to appear in the upcoming "Cosby Show Reunion."
4. Rescue workers might not have been so set on saving that dog from that abandoned tanker had they known it was the reincarnation of Richard Nixon.
3. Nobody noticed that Alice in Chains frontman Layne Staley was dead for two weeks before he was found by Seattle police. MTV plans on turning those two weeks into a reality sitcom.
2. First there was "Se7en," now there's "Murder by Num8ers." Next, "5uck Me."
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Osama bin Laden got wider distribution of a single videotape left behind in an abandoned house in Kabul than Warner Brothers got by releasing "Death to Smoochy" in thousands of theaters.
BAD ADVICE FROM HELL
Every time I read the statement that ex-President Bill Clinton bombed an aspirin factory, I know I'm hearing from someone with an agenda, because if that statement were true, then something like the following conversation took place...
"Mr. President, we found an aspirin factory we want to bomb."
"You're sure it's an aspirin factory?"
"As sure as can be."
"Yee haah, go right ahead. I'm a Tylenol man myself."
Obviously nonsense. The real conversation clearly went something like this...
"Mr. President, we found a chemical weapon factory we want to bomb."
"You're sure it's a chemical weapon factory?"
"As sure as can be."
"Yee haah, go right ahead. I hate chemical weapons."
When it turned out to be an aspirin factory, it obviously wasn't Clinton's fault but the fault of his advisors, who may or may not have had their own agendas. He was just following bad advice.
In much the same way, if George W. Bush had foreknowledge of the events of 9/11, his defenders are saying that the following conversation must have taken place...
"Mr. President, we've heard there's an al-Qaeda plot to destroy the World Trade Centers and the White House and the Pentagon on 9/11. Thousands of people will die, but we're thinking of just ignoring it and letting it happen because afterwards, your approval rating will skyrocket, you'll be able to go to war like your daddy did, and we'll be able to push through everything on our agenda, like the Star Wars defense system."
"Are you sure it's on 9/11?"
"As sure as can be."
"Yee haah, let 'em go right ahead. I'll be out of town on that day,"
Once again, obviously nonsense. The real conversation clearly went something like this...
"Mr. President, we've heard there's an al-Qaeda plot to hijack an airplane on 9/11. It probably won't succeed because all they have is boxcutters. We're thinking of just ignoring it because we'll most likely be able to rescue the hostages, and the plane will only be 1/4 full so not many lives will be at stake. It'll give us the perfect excuse to invade Afghanistan like we're planning to do anyway."
"You're sure it's al-Qaeda?"
"As sure as can be."
"Yee haah, let 'em go right ahead. I hate Afghanistan."
When it turned out to be a much bigger terrorist action, it obviously wasn't Bush's fault but the fault of his advisors, who may or may not have had their own agendas. He was just following bad advice.
Which is the closest you'll ever get to hearing me defend George W. Bush.
PUNCHLINE (WITHOUT A JOKE) FROM HELL
Beretta transgressed, you must arrest.
LAWSUIT FROM HELL
What if you were a farmer and some genetically altered seeds from your neighbor blew onto your land and started growing? Would you get sued by Monsanto for growing their seeds without their permission? Would they win the case and destroy you financially? Yep.
TRIBUTE TO GEORGE ORWELL FROM HELL
George Orwell's "1984" is a strange tale of a man whose job is to rewrite history. Let's say there's a country we were at war with but now are our friends. It's his job to go through every single book and newspaper article ever written about that country and change it so that they were always our friends because, after all, the state is infallible.
George W. Bush has hired such a man. He is rewriting history. The Washington Post has reported that the White House routinely alters official transcripts of Bush's remarks, so that in the history books, his call for "4,000 years" of community service has magically become "4,000 hours."
When Bush said that the United States and Japan have been allies for "a century and a half," he obviously meant to say "a half a century" because there was, after all, that little thing called World War II. Now, as far as the official record goes, he said "a half a century." They're taking down what he meant, not what he actually said.
When we're dead and gone and our grandchildren look up George W. Bush, they're going to think he was competent.
So it's up to us, guys. It's up to us.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup."
- Buddha -
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
- Salvor Hardin -
"You should be tarred and feathered and run out of Hollywood."
- Louis B. Mayer to Billy Wilder after the first screening of "Sunset Blvd."
"The restored Director's Cut of Amadeus opens Friday at the Landmark Century, and is in revival around the country. The one brief scene of Constanze's breasts, in medium-long shot, has inspired the flywheels at the MPAA to re-rate the movie R from its original PG. Thus high school students are discouraged from seeing this movie. Our rating system is held hostage by sick crypto-moralists. Surely PG-13 would have been adequate to advise parents of this scene, while acknowledging that anyone over 13 in America who is alarmed by the simple sight of a woman's breasts is in need of counseling (I include our attorney general)."
- Roger Ebert -
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
� George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001 -
"Oh Lucy, you gotta lotta 'splainin to do."
- Ricky Ricardo -
"War does not determine who is right but who is left."
- Chinese Proverb -
QUIZ FROM HELL
Who should replace Whoopi Goldberg as the center square in "Hollywood Squares?"
a) Robin Williams
b) Rodney Dangerfield
c) Karl Rove
d) Bill Clinton
HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL
September 6-7, 2001 -- 4,744 put options (a speculation that the stock will go down) are purchased on United Air Lines stock as opposed to only 3996 call options (speculation that the stock will go up).
September 10, 2001 - 4,516 put options are purchased on American Airlines as compared to 748 call options.
"The truth is that Palestine is no more real than Never-Never Land. The first time the name was used was in 70 A.D. when the Romans committed genocide against the Jews, smashed the Temple and declared the land of Israel would be no more. From then on, the Romans promised, it would be known as Palestine.
"The name was derived from the Philistines, a Goliathian people conquered by the Jews centuries earlier. It was a way for the Romans to add insult to injury. They also tried to change the name of Jerusalem to Aelia Capitolina, but that had even less staying power.
"Palestine has never existed -- before or since -- as an autonomous entity. It was ruled alternately by Rome, by Islamic and Christian crusaders, by the Otttoman Empire and, briefly, by the British after World War I. The British agreed to restore at least part of the land to the Jewish people as their homeland. There is no language known as Palestinian. There is no distinct Palestinia culture. There has never been a land known as Palestine governed by Palestinians. Palestinians are Arabs, indistinguishable from Jordanians (another recent invention), Syrians, Lebanese, Iraqis, etc"
- Joseph Farah -
BLUES SONG FROM HELL
I Ain't Pulling Out
I am an Israeli with my tank in someone's yard
Knocking down a building, well, it always gets me hard
Shooting Palestinians and bodies in a trough
These are just a few of all the things that get me off
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out no more
You gotta let me finish
C'mon, you know the score
I ain't pulling out no more
You can send observers from American Red Cross
We still gotta show that Mr. Arafat who's boss
We will leave the refugee camp fiery and divoty
They can't even hide inside the Church of the Nativity
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out no more
You gotta let me finish
C'mon, you know the score
I ain't pulling out no more
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=""" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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