���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well school is almost done for another year...the thrill of little children wandering the streets looking for something to do...oh boy what fun... I propose that they lengthen the school day from 8am to 8pm...and make it year round....a week off at Christmas and another week off for Summer vacation....that is more than generous....why should teachers work only 10 months of the year...let 'em get a year round job too! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 Just by becoming a subscriber! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Ken, Marsha, Stan, Daniel, John, Maggie, Marina. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� To much TV <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1046 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1046 It's murder... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1045 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1045 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A little know fact about marital sexual habits is that most wives close their eyes when they feel their husbands nearing a climax. The reason many women close their eyes as their husbands reach climax is not to avoid seeing them enjoying themselves, but in resignation as it becomes clear that they will not be reaching orgasm *this* time either. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni's car was unreliable and she called Sam for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sam got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes went out," Anni said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" Sam asked. "I'm in the drugstore," Anni responded. "And where's the car?" Sam asked. Anni replied, "It's in here with me." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� How FAST can you get there? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do, the hard part is doing it -General Norman Schwarzkopf ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Playing doctor... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1044 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1044 Jailhouse rock... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1043 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1043 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Women always say some snide little comments when they catch a guy Looking at a cute girl. My girlfriend caught me last week. She said, "You look like a kid in a candy store!" Thank God I'm witty, I came right back with, "Yeah, well, I'm attached now so, I'm a kid with diabetes in a candy store." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Julia Forgot To Brush Daily <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/28.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/28.html Can You Explain How This Works <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog7.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog7.htm Out of Work Pornstar <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06e.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06e.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Laura Bush goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has CRABS. He thinks to himself, "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from NIXON'S DISEASE. The first lady says, "WHAT?" He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Bush, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office!!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Becky and Wendy went to lecture on positive thinking. After the lecture was done, Wendy said to Becky, "You know, I learned a lot from this. From now on, I am going to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. From now on, I am going to use the word IS instead of the word NOT." "You're right Wendy. I am going to quit making negative statements too. I am going to speak positively from now on as well", Becky said. "Really Becky, like what?", asked Wendy. "Well," Becky says, "I used to always say that my husband was not fit to live with the hogs. Now I am going to say he IS fit to live with them." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Marriage is made in heaven...so are lightning and thunder ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The first toon... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1042 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1042 Family inside... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1041 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1041 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> The Top 15 Problems with Homeschooling Copyright www.topfive.com 15> Chicks aren't too impressed by a varsity letter in "Chores." 14> Pajamas you ain't been out of all semester are the source of fungi specimens for your biology lesson. 13> "Once again, today's lesson will be given by Regis and Kathie Lee..." 12> You're sick to death of this fall's only course: "History of Your Father's Drinking and Womanizing." 11> "Good, Billy... now if you shoot two *more* abortion doctors, how many are left then?" 10> Takes about nine pumps to get a decent flow going on the Ritalin keg. 9> You can't understand why you get Mrs. Culpepper every year. Your last name? Culpepper. 8> No matter how interesting you make the curriculum, Junior always wants to go down the block to Ms. LeTourneau's home school. 7> Five bucks for a PB&J seems high, but Dad has to make a profit somewhere. 6> Mom calls them "Environmental Studies field trips," but it seems suspiciously like taking out the garbage. 5> Sex education with Mom consists of nothing but gardening metaphors. 4> Sure, you're the valedictorian and the star of the basketball team, but your prom date choices are limited to your mom and the UPS guy. 3> Despite the cheerleader outfit, Mom's pep rallies suck. 2> Prom Committee deadlock among Teletubbies, Barbie Dreamhouse, and WWF Extreme Smack-Down themes now entering third month. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Problem with Homeschooling... 1> Ever since Dad left, Mom always tries to nail you in the groin at dodgeball. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� The U.S. Postal Service says they lost $1.7 billion. You'd think that they, of all people, should know not to send that type of money by U.S. mail. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Men Don't Need Instructions <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/23.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/23.html Osamanator <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06d.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06d.html Osama License Plate <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06c.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06c.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Bringing work home... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1040 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1040 Making sure... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1039 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1039 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police in Peru say criminals are coating ants with drugs and trying to smuggle a heroin base substance into Europe. They say they've intercepted a package of 5,000 giant Amazonian ants coated in opium latex. Authorities told Panorama Radio the insects were destined for Germany. Opium latex is a compound rich in alkaloids which has medical as well as recreational uses. News reports claim anti-drugs officers have arrested 122 human couriers so far this year. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Mrs. Johnson enters the gynecologist's examination room, and then disrobes. During her examination, the doctor remarks, "Your vagina is the biggest I have ever, ever seen." When she arrives home later that afternoon, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down. Just then, her husband walks in early from work. Surprised, he asks, "What are you doing?" She explains, "Um... I'm exercising." He remarks, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] L I G H T S O U T [||||] Britney Spears was booed off a Lubbock, TX stage when she quit two songs in due to a power failure. (AP) Cause unknown but Justin Timberlake was spotted in the parking lot wearing a welder's mask and carrying a pair of wire cutters. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful. To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce. As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor." His attorney advised him to plead guilty. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Double your money... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1038 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1038 Smallest snowman... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1037 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1037 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <From the "Kids say the darndest things dept.> While I was Christmas shopping with my 4-year-old daughter, she piped up, "Mom, do you know what I want for Christmas?" (I should add that I was preoccupied with shopping and was listening to her with only one ear.) I asked her, "No, what's that?" In a very loud voice she replied, "I want a dildo." Not believing what had come out of her mouth, I asked her, "Honey, WHAT is it that you want?" A bit irritated, she said in an even louder voice, "A dildo, Mom. I want a dildo!" After running--not walking--out of the store, I caught up with the rest of my family, and my 7-year-old daughter explained to me that her younger sister wanted a new Rugrat doll called the Dill Doll. Later I found out that when Santa visited my 4-year-old's Christian preschool, she'd asked him also for a "dildo." I don't think the people in the school ever looked at me quite the same way again! ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Greg bought Keli a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on Greg's forehead. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Disinfotainment Today! by Michael Dare ISSUE #8 A Letter from Paul Krassner To: Danny Goldberg From: Paul Krassner June 7, 2002 Dear Danny, Dan Castellaneta, who is the voice of Homer on The Simpsons, and I have long been fans of each other's work, and he has attended several of my performances. When you invited me to do another album for Artemis Records, I asked Dan if he would introduce me at the taping in Homer Simpson's voice. He said he would consider it an honor and a pleasure. He typed out a manuscript and I observed him studying it before the show. Then he introduced me from an offstage microphone. I had already been informed that Fox TV wanted to hear the entire CD before granting permission, so of course I mentioned that to the audience, adding, "Who would ever have thought that some day Homer Simpson would become an intellectual property?" Then I learned that Fox wanted seven copies of the mastered tape of "Irony Lives!" I prepared myself for their refusal; the word in the industry is, "Never mess with Fox lawyers." And, "They're worse than Disney." Next I was told that Dan's attorney said Dan didn't know his introduction would be included in the actual CD. This was simply not true. I gave Dan's phone number to Artemis attorney Adrian White so that she could check with him directly. It turned out that the lawyer was concerned because the introduction leads into the first track (an organic process) which is titled "Terrorist Attacks." I immediately instructed artist Kalynn Campbell to list "Introduction by Homer Simpson" and, beneath that, "Terrorist Attacks." Next, Fox wanted $500 for a licensing fee, which is apparently the going rate these days for a pound of flesh. Artemis agreed, but the delay continued, and Fox still hadn't signed anything. You told me, "It would be cooler to have Homer's introduction on the album than not to," and I concurred. As a result, the release of my album--originally intended for July 16--would have to be delayed for three weeks. This was frustrating, partly because so much of the material is topical, but also because I would be touring for my book, Murder At the Conspiracy Convention, in June and mostly July, and I knew that he-writes/he-talks would provide a good publicity angle. Today, designated bearer of bad news Jason Janego informed me that, "Unfortunately, Fox declined our request, and in doing so failed to go into any detail as to what their reasons were." He asked if there could be any situation where they would allow use of the introduction, and the Fox lawyer said he would go back and ask again. Yeah, as they say, right. But there's a blessing in disguise here. I've decided that I don't want to have a second delay in releasing the album, and in my own Aikido-like fashion of turning negative energy into positive energy, I now believe that it would be cooler NOT to have Homer's introduction on the CD. Rather, its suppression is much juicier than its inclusion, the kind of story that the media enjoy spreading, all the better for creating a buzz that will only serve to promote the album. This will begin on the first leg of my tour, in Los Angeles, June 10-12, where so far I'm scheduled for one local radio program, one syndicated TV program and one dinner with a columnist for the L.A. Times. Plus--and gosh, I just can't imagine how this has happened--there are already bootleg copies of Homer's introduction in the hands of friendly print journalists, web sites and disc jockeys. I'll be sure to inform them to play it at their own risk. I daresay that more people will hear Homer introducing me than would have heard it on the CD itself. The irony of Irony Lives! is that the result of Fox's attempt to disassociate themselves from the album will backfire. Would you arrange for it to be remastered in New York so that the introduction is eliminated and the first track begins with the applause, or will it be necessary for me to have that done out here? I realize that this kind of censorship is not a 1st Amendment issue, since it's not being done by the government. Nevertheless, I have to deal with it. Burn CDs, Not Books. Love, Paul * * * Fox owns only Dan doing Homer's voice, not a transcript of what he said--here is the text of the introduction that will accompany the liner notes: (Homer Simpson's introduction can be heard in RealAudio here which is much better than reading it) Hello. I'm Homer Simpson. There have been many great counter culture heroes I have admired over the years. Steve McQueen, Dr. Demento, Dr. Denis Leary and Wavy Gravy. Mmmmm gravy. But even some counter culture heroes go too far and step over that line between dissent and in-dissent...cy. I'm speaking of Paul Krassner. The first problem I have with Paul Krassner is that the only good song he wrote for The Jefferson Airplane was, "Crown of Creation." And even then his name is spelled K-a-n-t-n-e-r even though it is pronounced Krassner. I also have a problem with the fact that he is an atheist. If there is no God then who has placed a pox on me and mocks me every day? Of whom do I live in fear and mortal terror? Buddha? I think not. He's way over in China where thankfully he can't get at me. I have a problem with his constant use of words such as "penis" "Larry Flynt" "premature" "ejaculation" "CIA" and on several occasions he has been known to use the words "Bush" and "Bush Jr." in mixed company. Did I mention "penis"? Yeah, here it is--"penis" (Laughs). (To self) Penis. Let's see, where was I? I mentioned, "penis" "gravy" "Buddha" "God" "Jefferson Airplane"... No. That's it... Will everyone please put their hands together for that raving unconfined nut...here's hoping he opens with "Crown of Creation"...Paul Krassner! BELIEVE IT OR ELSE One Less Place for Bush to Hide Brazil on Thursday became the 69th country to ratify the treaty establishing a new and permanent International Criminal Court to pursue heinous wrongdoing. But It'll Be Easier for Him to Get There Teleportation - the disembodiment of an object in one location and its reconstruction in another - has been successfully carried out in a physics lab in Australia. Where You're Going to Be When Bush Teleports Himself to Brazil There over 600 prison camps in the United States, all fully operational and ready to receive prisoners. They are all staffed and even surrounded by full-time guards, but they are all empty. These camps are to be operated by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) should Martial Law need to be implemented in the United States. No, Really, I Didn't Make This Up Virginia state troopers stopped the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile for driving on a restricted road next to the Pentagon. The crew of the 27-foot-long hot dog was grilled by police when it mistakenly traveled on Route 110, which has been off-limits to vehicles with six wheels or more because of concerns that someone could drive a truck bomb close to the Defense Department's headquarters. (Insert your own joke concerning mustard gas, getting your buns toasted, or expecting the wurst.) Why Network TV Must Die The only two black family shows on the air, The Bernie Mac Show and Damon Wayon's My Wife and Kids, are going to be opposite each other next season. Fuck AOL America Online's newest gimmick is to package its disks advertising free hours of online access in a metal box. This "metal mail" is a central part of the company's $3.8 billion annual ad budget and really takes a toll on our nation's energy security and on our environment. Aluminum production consumes more energy than is needed to produce steel, glass, paper or plastic. It also relies on bauxite mining, which destroys more of the earth's surface area than any other type of mining. And, to make matters worse, the discarded junk mail is filling up our landfills. You throw yours away, don't you? Not only that but this so-called "free" membership contains NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER about how to quit after the trial period, so you end up getting charged for membership anyway. Fuck Circuit City Circuit City will no longer sell VHS tapes, focusing solely on DVDs. This Would Have Never Happened Under Mussolini A prostitute in Turan, Italy, has been arrested for charging too little. Now Where Will They Get Their Tomahawk Missiles? Home Depot has issued a company policy that no store is to do any more business with the US government or its representatives. Lawsuit of the Week The families of 11 immigrants who died illegally crossing into Arizona from Mexico have filed a $41 million claim against two federal agencies, saying the government's refusal to put water out in the desert contributed to the migrants' deaths. She Wouldn't Have Fucked You Anyway David Blaine is nailing Daryl Hannah. You Mean I've Got to Blow Carrottop? According to a recent study, eating nuts can reduce the risk of heart disease. Oh My God! No! Not Really! I Can't Believe It! Are You Sure That's What He Said? Yassar Arafat condemned Israel's military blockade of the West Bank. At Least We Got bin Laden According to the FBI's newly released crime stats, in the past year "serious crimes" increased in the U.S. for the first time in a decade. Only in America What the hell is going on at the Denver International Airport? Why is there a Masonic Capstone inscribed NEW WORLD AIRPORT COMMISSION? Why is it full of gargoyles and apocalyptic murals? Why do the runways form a swastika? Smells like Skull and Bones to me. Dear Dr. Hollywood, So, . . . I wrote a James Bond screenplay. So, . . . a published screenwriter told me I shouldn't have . .. 'cause Broccoli & Co. only commission screenplays. Now, I have a finished screenplay with PPI & II, inciting incident, midpoint, denouncement, double entendres, a beginning, middle and end to a plot and subplot set in East Africa. My problem is, . . I like the screenplay; it makes me laugh. I feel I am destined to write for Bond (or his sidekick, Jane Blond, American woman, 0"Oh"7 in the President's Special Intelligence Service). Is it true? Is there anything I can do? I am always yours. Mary Morrison. Dear Mary, Writing a James Bond movie is very much like writing a Bugs Bunny Cartoon or a McDonalds commercial. The chances of the Broccolis or Warner Brothers or McDonalds reading your script, much less making it, are somewhere in between zero and zero. What you've got is a writing sample. Nothing wrong with that. It's something you can show to people to show what you are capable of. Or you can do what you seem to suggest, use search-and-replace to change all the names in your script and turn it into a parody of James Bond movies, keeping in mind that GOOD parodies are funny even if you haven't seen the source material. But you're still not out of trouble. Even though the Supreme Court decision of "the People vs. Larry Flynt" protects satire, that hasn't stopped the publishers of Gone with the Wind from suing the publishers of The Wind Done Gone, or the Broccolis, who are notoriously lawsuit-happy, from suing the makers of the new Austin Powers movie from calling it Goldmember, as though anyone on earth could possibly mistake it for Goldfinger. The best writing samples are 100% original. One question screenwriters are often asked before submitting something is "Do you own this 100%?" If the answer's "no," they won't look at it without a signed release from anyone who can lay claim to it. If a writing sample is based upon a book or a play or is a satire of another film, the readers will assume that anything good about it is based upon the source material. The process of getting a film made is very much the process of deleting all obstacles towards getting it made. Way too many movies are made just because there was nothing to prevent them from getting made. Want to get a film made? Write something that's completely yours. MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? by Helen A. Handbasket You never know who's going to trade their soul away or what they're going to get for it unless you're Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. June 24, 2002 5. Jesse Ventura's contract with Satan specifically stated that he could not seek a second term as Minnesota's governor if they gave Kermit the Frog a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 4. "I think Jian Wang is much better than Yo-Yo Ma," declared Adolf Hitler from the 4th level of hell. "I look forward to meeting him." 3. Arnold Schwarzenegger was given an honorary doctorate from Chapman University on the same day Paul McCartney's daughter was mugged. Coincidence? I don't think so. 2. Angela Bassett has criticized Halle Berry and her Oscar-winning performance in Monster's Ball - saying it's demeaning for black actresses to play sluts. "The part should have been played by Rosie Perez," she said, "because Puerto Ricans are, well, you know." And the number one person going to hell this week? 1. Ann Landers is now giving advice to the minions of the 3rd level of hell who all call her Abby. ARITHMETIC FROM HELL 230 people killed in an earthquake in Iran divided by $1.6 billion China is paying Russia for eight submarines from Russia times 278,000 members of the AMA times $36.9 million taken in by Minority Report equals 600,000 Palestinians confined to their homes plus $35.8 million taken in by Lilo and Stitch times 98% of the al Qaeda leadership that are alive and safe minus 130,000 burnt acres in Arizona. WHO'S NOT GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? The US Supreme court overturned the death sentences of 150 convicted prisoners. DIET FROM HELL Every year the King of Thailand shows mercy to certain prisoners by reducing their sentence or even granting a full pardon. This year it has been announced all inmates with TB will be released, so prisoners are swallowing the phlegm of inmates with tuberculosis in a bid to get early release. STATISTICS FROM HELL a) The number of physicians in the US: 700,000. b) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000. c) Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171. d) The number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. e) The number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500. f) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner: .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL The Press and the Fascists By Denis Mueller Journalism is the first reporting of history. So it would be interesting, and in the structure of Forgotten History, to look back at how some of the press in the United States greeted the rise of Mussolini and Hitler. In the 1920's Mussolini was hailed as Italy's savior by major publications like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, and The Saturday Evening Post were among those who hailed Mussolini as a man who brought order to Italy. How was Hitler greeted when he came to power, with the notable exception of the Boston Globe and The Baltimore Sun, in much the same manner? American news and radio reports painted a picture of optimism. The New York Times told readers to expect a "transformation" in Hitler as he begins "softening down or abandoning the more violent parts of his alleged program." Clearly the experts were wrong. Once in power they adopted a "let Hitler try his hand" approach. Times bureau chief Frederick Birchcall said the Nazi's were not planning "any slaughter of their enemies or racial oppression in any vital degree." Birchell kept telling his readers that the Nazi had no desire to go to war and that we should not fear Hitler. With an eye for the irrelevant, which has become the trademark of American journalism, he observed that Hitler was a vegetarian and a non-smoker. This information was supposed somehow to humanize him. The Los Angles Times saw him as a bulwark against communism, labor unions and dissenters. Henry Ford, Thomas Watson of IBM and press moguls like Hearst and McCormick looked on and praised the Nazi's along with their like minded groups that began to spring up in the United States. In fact some of them considered fascism an attractive option. Former president of the National Association of Manufactures H.W. Prentiss declared that "America business might be forced to turn to form of disguised fascistic dictatorship." Joseph Kennedy Sr. looked kindly on Hitler as well. The list is long. The question remains is why? For one reason the writers and editors were following the wishes of their publishers and advertisers. What you got was a point of view that illustrated their politics. That is why history is important. It allows us to go back and see what was really said. The other point is that the experts are not experts at all but rather ill-informed. Now we are told daily by the press what is in our national interests. But we should look back at history and see what the press told us what are national interests were before. Fascism was certainly not in our national interests nor was the waste of the Cold War. But they told us this. We must learn that what they tell us is not only many times untrue but highly biased. This is a lesson we should never forget. Sources: Inventing Reality, Michael Parenti QUOTES FROM HELL "If you drink a martini, don't drive. Don't even putt." - Dean Martin - "Every country has the government it deserves." - Joseph de Maistre - "While there is a lower class, I am in it. While there is a criminal class I am of it. While there is a soul in prison, I am not free." - Eugene Debs - "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." - William James - "I have no problem blowing up Baltimore in a movie if it's done with joy and style." - John Waters - "The welfare of the people is the ultimate law." - Marcus Cicero - "Art does not apologize." - Alfred De Musset in Impromptu by Sarah Kernochan - QUIZ FROM HELL Which candidate in the 2000 election said "I don't want to be president unless I won the election. Let's count all the votes." a) Bush b) Gore c) Nobody LEGISLATION FROM HELL The Model State Emergency Health Powers Act (MSEHPA) proposes giving state governments broad police powers to declare public-health emergencies, force individuals to undergo medical exams, track and share individuals' personal health information without their consent, force individuals to be vaccinated, treated or quarantined, ration food and other commodities, and mobilize state militias to enforce state orders and impose fines and penalties. FUNERAL FROM HELL According to the AP, mourners at a funeral in Loxley, Ala. beat the crap out of the preacher because they didn't like his eulogy. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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