���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well...another week...Purehumour in the summer moves to a very irregular schedule....I cannot always get the issues together in time due to more work on my desk...so instead of putting together an inferior issue...I just skip a day like yesterday. It will happen occasionally until the summer rush cools off a bit! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Cathy, Keli, Rubin, Barb, Pat, Ruth, Marie. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A teabag. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The PGA... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.185 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.185 Going for the fly... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.195 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.195 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Rummage through grandma's purse, Break open the kids piggy bank, Root around between the cushions of the sofa, do whatever it takes to scrounge up a measly 15 bucks for your very own copy of That's Comedy! on CD - the new CD that Playboy Magazine, Howard Stern and Larry King have all said absolutely nothing about. THIS JUST IN! - OPRAH WINFREY has also said nothing about this CD! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click<a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� The poll that has been running over the last couple of weeks came back with the closest results of any poll in Purehumour history: Do you often drive more than 10 MPH (16 KPH) over the posted speed limit? Yes: 50.6% No 49.3% And this week's poll tests your "criminal mind!" Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "When it is time to die, let us not discover that we never lived." -Henry David Thoreau ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Kiss my .... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.203 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.203 While you're about it... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.211 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.211 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two women are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Anni, and the second, Keli, discussed Anni's last date: "You know what Keli, I was out last night with an intellectual type, called Sam" Anni declared. "What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Keli asked with curiosity. "Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Anni to her friend. Keli giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?" "First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Keli asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology. "Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I Miss My Exs Little Romantic Statements <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/romantic.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/romantic.html Sexual Security Card <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/26.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/26.html You Don't Have A Clue <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph6.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph6.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said. "I think Southern women are the toughest," said another. The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex." His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?" "Nope, too many thank-you notes." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything. "The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris the vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's mychange?" asks the Zen Master. Morris responds, ....."Change must come from within." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel? Its called "Cheeses of Nazareth." ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What Canadian national holiday occurs July 1? A. Canada Day B. Maple Leaf Day C. Independence Day D. Thanksgiving Day -- The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait? A. They are the smallest birds B. They are flightless birds C. They are birds of prey D. They are featherless birds <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is zoonosis? D. A disease communicable from animals to humans -- These newborns are enormous, often weighing 25 to 30 percent of their mother's weight. D. Bats � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Road signs explained... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.231 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.231 Do you have a suggestion?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.233 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.233 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Flip The Switch <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/switch.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/switch.htm Shake That Booty Baby <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/06010203.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/06010203.html Cameron Diaz With & Without <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/cameron.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/cameron.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic> A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Signs o' the times!" 1.Veterinarian's office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten. 2.In parking lot outside vet's office in Silverton: "Parking for customers only, others will be neutered." 3.In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 4.Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." 5.At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." 6.Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we help pick your nose?" 7.At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 8.On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." 9.In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 10.On Maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push." 11.At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place." 12.On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." 13.In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." 14.On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." 15.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming." 16.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 17.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." 18 In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Trouble, No trouble... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.239 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.239 Condoms in the Moat... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.259 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.259 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police in Germany called to an elderly woman's home when she reported cries of distress in a nearby garden found two hedgehogs having sex. The 72-year-old woman decided to call officers after listening to the noises for more than two hours. She told police she was terrified at the sounds coming from a neighbour's hedge. The incident happened in a small town near Frankfurt, according to The Independent newspaper. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] O R V I L L E & W I L B U R [||||] A pair of party loving American West cockpit jockeys were collared by Florida gendarmes before they could lift their passenger packed 707 off the tarmac and charged with TUI -- Taxiing Under the Influence. (AP) They'd have gotten away clean if they'd just given the weather and estimated time of arrival and skipped the chorus of "Twenty-six Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Laura isn't feeling all that well and goes to the doctor for a complete physical. After the exam, the doctor says: "Laura, I have some good news and some bad news." Laura asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Laura asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there is no cure for being a natural bitch." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Horny island... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.263 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.263 Shake it up!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.267 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.267 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation. I said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that grandpa." I replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis? You don't fuck with either one. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Disinfotainment Today By Michael Dare "Not Affiliated in Any Way!" ISSUE #10 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Calling Bruce Willis Earth's magnetic field is showing strong signs that the poles are due to switch over, which could be the end of the world as we know it. Good thing? Bad thing? Depends on your definition of the word "we." One Less Place for Bush to Hide The human race is plundering the planet at a pace that outstrips its capacity to support life. Good thing? Bad thing? Depends on your definition of the word "life." One More Reason to Vote for Satan in 2004 The Bush administration is suspending Habeas Corpus. Good thing? Bad thing? Depends on your definition of the word "justice." This Would Have Never Happened Under Mussolini The U.S. Senate will soon decide whether or not to move 77,000 tons of high-level nuclear waste from power plants nationwide to an unstable site in Yucca Mountain in Nevada. Good thing? Bad thing? Depends on you. Lawsuit of the Week Composer John Cage is suing composer Mike Batt for copyright infringement claiming that the 60 second silent track on his CD sounds just like the 4 and a half minute silent track on a John Cage CD. Apology of the Week "We didn't mean to call Ann Coulter a whore. The statement was not intended to imply that she sold her sexual favors for money, although we have no evidence either way on this. We meant she was a whore to an ideology so conservative it would disgust Heinrich Himmler, and she will say and do anything this ideology demands of her. As journalists we respect Ms. Coulter's right to express her own opinions, as dangerous, obsessive and delusional as they may be. So on the petard of our apology we hoist Ms. Ann Coulter. "Sorry babe. "And incidentally we do not have any NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER. We're sorry about that too. Search engines, please do not pick up our NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER statement, as it would be deceptive, leading people to believe that we have NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER when we have no such thing." - Mark McGuffin: editor of The Untrue News - Complaint of the Week Hillary Clinton doesn't like it that General Mills won't put the heroes of 9/11 on the cover of Wheaties boxes. Totally Wacko Paranoid New World Order Site of the Week Projections: A futurist at the movies. If We Can't Have It, Why Should They? Kurdish officials said "We want a democratic, pluralistic, responsible government in Iraq. That cannot come from a coup." Born to Be a Sitcom A white couple had black twins after a mix-up at a fertility clinic. Dear Dr. Hollywood, Hi, and thanks for what you're doing. I think that I have a talent for writing that I could mold into a career. There are millions of people like me, and they are all looking for the same things I am. I am just a creative person and I have no creative outlet selling used computers. I do have writing experience. I was an associate producer for WBTV news. Although, I never got a chance to write anything funny, which I like to do. Like most beginning writers, I just need an opportunity to show what I can do. I just don't know who to ask, or where to begin. I've never been afraid to put myself on the line, or take risks. I guess what I'm saying is that I have the skills, and I'm willing to send material to producers, but how do you find those contacts? What route do I go to get in contact with the people that make those type of decisions. Like I said, they can shoot me down all day, I just want someone to look at my ideas. For example, I sent an e-mail to god knows who at NBC (Saturday Night Live). I'm sure it was immediately deleted, and I'm positive nobody read the whole thing or passed it on, but I thought it was funny. What do you think? Well, thanks for the help. Drew Dear Drew, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. Imagine for the moment that you're Lorne Michaels. You have more than 20 full time staff writers who are the best in the biz, highly paid, each cranking out a minimum of five sketches a week. Of those 100 sketches that you already own, you decide which 25 get a rewrite. Of those 25, you decide which 15 go into rehearsal. Of those 15, you decide which 10 go in the show. When exactly is the time when you don't have enough material to do your show? Never. Why on earth would you ever bother with reading e-mail submissions from non-union writers when using their material would only be an enormous headache that would unquestionably piss off the actual union writers on the show who are all fighting tooth and nail to get their own material on the show? Reality, Andrew. Forget Saturday Night Live or any other show on television unless you know somebody there. Doesn't matter how good you are. They're not interested. ESPECIALLY in "ideas." Nobody wants ideas. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Everyone's got their own. Who needs yours? All that counts, I repeat, ALL THAT COUNTS is execution. What you DO with the idea. If you've got ideas for comedy sketches, finish them. Writing sketches with good beginnings, middles, and ends is MUCH harder than it looks. Want an audience? You were in the industry. USE THE CONTACTS YOU HAVE. Get back in a newsroom and start writing great copy. If you truly have no connections whatsoever, you're looking at the answer right now. Your computer. Post your stuff to the web. Want a sobering experience? Discover you're trying to sell something you can't even give away. Writing is a skill. Keep writing. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it. Get off on the act of writing itself rather than potential rewards. If you're good, you'll find an audience. Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? July 8, 2002 Today's guest columnist is the man himself. ADVICE FROM HELL Dear Satan, What happens to the penis after orgasm? Elroy Dear Elroy, It stays hard, of course. After all, the penis is a muscle. Sex exercises that muscle. Right after orgasm, a man's penis should be as hard and firm as ever and ready for another round. Satan Dear Satan, What's wrong with me? Anonymous Dear anonymous, Not enough personality. Satan Dear Satan, Should I marry my fianc�e or abort his child and move to Hawaii? Irene Dear Irene, Move to Hawaii but stop first in the Philippines and SELL your baby rather than aborting it. It'll pay for the whole trip. Satan Dear Satan, I just found a suitcase full of hundred dollar bills. What should I do with it? Ernest Dear Ernest, Invest it in the stock market, of course. Satan Dear Satan, How do I come down from this Mescaline? Oliver Dear Oliver, Stick a feather duster up your ass and run around the room polishing the furniture. Satan Dear Satan, My neighbor just put a gypsy curse on me. Should I let my Doberman eat their baby? Polly Dear Polly, Yes. Satan Dear Satan, Should I make my man wear a condom? Dortheen Dear Dortheen, Are you nuts? There are millions of sperm cells but only one egg. The chances of any sperm cell reaching that egg are infinitesimal Give your man the bareback ride he deserves. Satan Dear Satan, Paramount wants to make my movie but only if I rip the guts out of the script. Should I let them do it just so I can get it made? Charlie Dear Charlie, Absolutely. Be a team player. Make the movie THEY want you to make. Satan Satan for President in 2004 POEM FROM HELL Forgetfulness by U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of, as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones. Long ago you kissed the names of the Muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag, and even now as you try to recall the order of the planets, something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps, the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay. Whatever it is you are struggling to remember it is not poised on the tip of your tongue, not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen. It has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall, well on your own way to oblivion, where you will join those who have forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle. No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. UNDERSTATEMENT FROM HELL After an American attack on an Afghan wedding party killed 48 people, mostly women and children, an official said "faulty intelligence may have been provided by an Afghan." SAT QUESTION FROM HELL Firefighters is to - starting fires in order to increase their own sense of self-worth as George Bush is to: HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL From the United States Congressional Record, March 17, 1993 - The Bankruptcy of The United States. QUOTES FROM HELL "Why don't they change it to 'One nation under Canada?'" - Robin Williams - "If the management of Enron was manipulating the profits of the company, the board was completely unaware of it." - W. Neil Eggleston: Enron Attorney - "Our senior management team is shocked by these discoveries." - John W. Sidgmore, WorldCom's CEO - "I was in Guatemala when the CIA was preparing its attack on the Arbenz government [in 1954]. Arbenz, who was a democratically elected president, mildly socialist. His state had no revenues; its biggest income maker was United Fruit Company. So Arbenz put the tiniest of taxes on bananas, and Henry Cabot Lodge got up in the Senate and said the Communists have taken over Guatemala and we must act. He got to Eisenhower, who sent in the CIA, and they overthrew the government. We installed a military dictator, and there's been nothing but bloodshed ever since. "Now, if I were a Guatemalan and I had the means to drop something on somebody in Washington, or anywhere Americans were, I would be tempted to do it. Especially if I had lost my entire family and seen my country blown to bits because United Fruit didn't want to pay taxes. Now, that's the way we operate. And that's why we got to be so hated." - Gore Vidal - "The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation. It must be a peace which rests on the cooperative nature of the whole world." - FDR, 1945 - "Look not to the faults of others, nor to their omissions and commissions. But rather look to your own acts, to what you have done and left undone." - Buddha - "I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly Or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man..." - Chuang Tse - -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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