���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Subscriptions are slowly coming in for the new Ad-Free Purehumour... how about you? Would you like to win $50.00? Join the new ad-free Purehumour now and $50.00 may be coming your way.... full details are available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html AOL seems to be having delivery problems with Purehumour right now...so I ask my AOL subscribers to have patience. If you miss an issue it is always available at my archives located at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Stan. Di Ann, Keli, Marina, SunAmy, Marsha. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's home? When the big hand touches the little hand. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Odds 'n Ends... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1126 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1126 The Stinker... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1125 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1125 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Guaranteed Wake-Up Have you ever had to make excuses for being late for work? Don't you just hate having to run to catch an early morning flight? Do you miss all those middle-of-the-night asteroid showers -- or do you just like to be up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise? Well, sleep late no more! Because NOW, for a limited time, you can get the bedside clock that is GUARANTEED to have you vertical and running at top speed the INSTANT it sounds its alarm! You won't even feel like using a 10-minute snooze feature -- which is why we haven't built one into this clock! Why not, you ask? The name says it all. The revolutionary new Hurka Gurka Clock will ensure that you never again miss an important appointment. What's more, you'll be wide awake from the second your feet hit the floor, ready to take on your day! Here's how it works. The Hurka Gurka Clock simulates those gut-wrenching pre-vomit sounds coming from deep within your dog's stomach. The alarm sounds softly at first, easing you out of your early morning REM sleep. Then the sounds become louder and more pronounced, until you are brought completely to your senses by an unmistakable BLAP sound effect that can only mean one thing --touchdown! Tests have shown that no one can turn over and go back to sleep while thinking of stomach acids working their way into the carpet. You're wide awake in an instant -- guaranteed! And if you order in the next five minutes, we'll include a FREE 20 oz. container of Nature's Miracle, for those times when your dog -- not the Hurka Gurka Clock -- is the one who wakes you up. So come on! Stop missing all those beautiful sunrises! Don't risk being mistaken for a terrorist by running through airports to catch your flight! Call now! Operators are standing by. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� AOL REVENUE PLAN -- 5 CENT MISSPELLINGS In a brilliant marketing move, America On Line announced today that from this point forward, it would be collecting five cents for each misspelled word from recipients of email from AOL subscribers. "Here at AOL we're always looking for ways to leverage our strengths," an emailed press release from AOL CEO Steve Case said. "We believe this plan will take us to new financial security, as it's a never ending, self sustaining, and renewable resource. No one misspells like AOL -- no wonder it's Number Wun!" The press release was sent to 500,000 news outlets and the misspelled word "wun" generated $25,000 income to AOL. The plan calls for any recipient of email from an AOL address to be assessed a nickle for each misspelled word, ICQ, or IM abbreviation. "Since our members pride themselves in their highly creative interpretation of the written word, we're proud to include them in our strategic plans." Case suggested there might be an online course, "Creative Spelling" to further enhance revenue projections. Analysis show the average 50 word message from an AOL user contains 15 to 20 misspelled or incomprehensible words. This would result in a $0.75 to $1.00 charge per email to the recipient of that email. "We're excited that our subscribers can participate and generate boatloads of cash just by being themselves!" Spell check software within AOL's email programs will be modified to count misspelled words and multiply it by the number of recipients. "AOL is aggressively looking into chain letters," Case reported, "and from our initial studies, chat rooms and ICQ are going to be gold mines!" Case held up an example email from subscriber IFUKDUKS329. "Mr. Fuk Duks is leading our new direction. Since 1993 he has send over 60,000 email messages at a rate of about 20 a day every day. In not one single instance did he have a correctly spelled word! Not one recipient of those 60,000 emails has been able to understand a single thing he's said. We're not even sure he's speaking in English, to tell you the truth. But, it's performance like this that will allow AOL to buy just about everything else in the country." Case wiped a tear from his eye when he attempted to read Mr. Fuk Duks' letter. "Absolutely incomprehensible. Thank God for AOL subscribers!" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Going to Wally World? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "This is a new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale." -Rita Rudner ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Look out China... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1124 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1124 Venting machine... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1123 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1123 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� 5 little hippies looking for a score, One smoked some rotten hash now there's only 4. 4 little hippies going on a spree, One went executive, now there's only 3. 3 little hippies smelling like a zoo, One copped some dial soap, now there's only 2 2 little hippies broke and on the run, One met a city cop, now there's only 1 1 little hippie stoned as he can be, Revealed his secret stash, now there's 43. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Tell Em To Piss Off <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html Husband Wanted <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw48.html Wise Ass Kids <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/wiseasskids.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Darwin Award Winner: "Two wrongs do make a right!" April 2001, Tennessee | One day before the US tax filing deadline, a Memphis Darwin Award winner trying to beat a train drove around the crossing gates -- only to be struck by an oncoming vehicle whose driver had the same mad plan. The driver of the first vehicle was killed, making this monumental stupidity the first instance we have witnessed of a Darwin Award winner crashing into an Honorable Mention. The accident happened to one side of the tracks, so the train passed by unimpeded. Copyright 2002 by Wendy Northcutt <http://www.DarwinAwards.com> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch. Hercules says, "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That really bothers me a lot." Snow White said, "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?" Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm suppose to be the ugliest!" Suddenly Snow White has an idea, "You know guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth, then meet tomorrow and tell our tales." The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules say, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest." Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest." Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Nasty Boss... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1122 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1122 Funny T-Shirt... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1121 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1121 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> ABC's of Ex-girlfriends A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and couldn't have given a shit about you. B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die! C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favours. J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for kill. L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necrophiliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top.. she has another O word. P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs. U is for understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone. Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you? Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep... . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience. "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked. The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Jane <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjane.html Strip BlackJack With Phoebe <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjphoebe.html Bunny Strip Poker <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poff.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bunstrippoker.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam found out that his wife, Anni is pregnant. Sam did the math, and according to Anni's due date, he was out of town at the time of conception. Sam was amazed. He couldn't believe it. He will finally make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for impregnating his wife via phone sex! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Office with a view... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1120 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1120 You know the drill... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1119 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1119 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police in Michigan say a thief tried to cash a stolen cheque at the bank where his victim works. A cashier in the Grass Lake Township bank recognised the name on the cheque but didn't recognise the suspect's face. Police spokesman David Luce says the cashier called police after becoming suspicious. Other employees at Farmers State Bank kept the suspect in the bank until officers arrived. Police say a 20-year-old suspect has been arrested. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style. "Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?" "You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] B E T T E R I D E A [||||] Ten year AARP member and Early Bird Dinner aficionado Harrison Ford has inked to reprise Indiana Jones for a 2005 big screen release. (USA Today) Tentative title: "Indiana Jones and the Search For the Lost Viagra Mine." Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Liana was a beautiful blonde girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Stupid boss... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118 Getting dramatic... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1117 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1117 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Celebrity Confessions regarding on screen sex scenes: "His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" an gag me with his tongue. He only improved once he married Demi Moore. - Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis "I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...By the end of the shoot I was covered in black goo'. - Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume. Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence. Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes. During the filming of "Home- coming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled. "It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother." - Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie, "Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to leave the set at the crucial moment. "God I miss my husband." - Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal Weapon 2." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you call a cow with and abortion? Decalfinated. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today By Michael Dare "Due to circumstances beyond our control, we regret to inform you that circumstances are beyond our control!" ISSUE #6 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Our Psychic Moron George W. Bush and the entire White House staff started taking the anti-anthrax drug Cipro on Sept. 11, one month BEFORE any anthrax showed up in the U.S. mail. Our Schizophrenic Moron The Bush Administration is distancing itself from the Bush administration's report that admits that humans are causing climate changes. Federal Government to Reorganize In their continuing efforts to safeguard the nation against terrorist attacks, the entire Federal Government is reorganizing itself. The FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) and CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) are now one entity, the IGONUTS (Intelligence Gathering Organization Not Under Terrorist Subordination) and will report directly to the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire). Much has been made of the lack of communication between the JBCO (The Jewish Banking Conspiracy Office) and the FBCB (Federal Bureau of Catholic Buttfuckers), who will both now report directly to the VRWCO (Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Office) who report directly to the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire). The FBRB (Federal Bureau of Redundancy Bureau) will be split into two, though they will share the same office. The IRS (Internal Revenue Service) is now the FBE (Federal Bureau of Extortion) and will report directly to the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire). Dirty Dirty US Attorney-General John Ashcroft says a plot to attack the country using a radioactive "dirty" bomb has been prevented by putting a drape over its tits. Paul McCartney to Marry "Wish I could be there." - Heather Mills' left leg - 13-Year-Old Boy Sentenced to Cabinet Post A 13-year-old California boy who was facing a possible eight years in juvenile prison for a spitball attack on a fellow student was given a much lighter sentence Thursday. He has been appointed the new head of US Homeroom Security. Only in America FBI whistleblower Coleen Rowley testified before a Senate panel while presidential whistleblower Monica Lewinsky avoided jury duty by crying. Dr Hollywood Dear Dr. Hollywood, I am trying to get a bead on agents specializing in animation. I have already submitted a couple of screenplays. I am also new to how to approach these agents once found. Any advice on the process for animation such as query letters, etc would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. George A. Leone Dear George, You can search the links at Ask Dr. Hollywood for access to agents but I gotta tell you it's completely futile approaching them unless you already have extensive animation credits. You're going up against guys who've been doing this for decades, who are brilliant at what they do, and they're all out of work. I couldn't get an agent to handle me WHILE I WAS ACTUALLY WORKING FOR WARNER BROTHERS ANIMATION. I was offering to hand over a piece of my paycheck on a platter and they still weren't interested. Most animated features are developed "in house," which means a gig was never available. Writing on an animated series is a specialty with few jobs and extremely heavyweight competition. Of all the writing gigs in Hollywood, animation is, without a doubt, the hardest nut to crack. I couldn't get Warner's to even think about considering my work until I got a recommendation from Steven Spielberg. No kidding. The only way to break into animation is to do it yourself. Nickelodeon won't even look at scripts. Why should they when they're deluged every day with completed films and storyboards? As a matter of fact, other than at the big animation factories like Warner Brothers, very few cartoons are scripted at all since the writer is usually the animator, who thinks visually and does it himself. "South Park" and "Spongebob Squarepants" weren't sold on scripts or pitches. Someone just made them. "Dexter's Laboratory" is great but I'm sure Dexter's voice.was a bigger selling point than the concept. Discouraging enough? MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? by Helen A. Handbasket If I had to make a list of everyone going to hell this week, I wouldn't have time for my beauty bath or my pedicure or my botox injections. Let's just say it's a good week to invest in pitchforks. June 10, 2002 BUDGET FROM HELL FINANCIAL REPORT OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT for the Fiscal Year 2001 a $127 billion surplus FINANCIAL REPORT OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT for the Fiscal Year 2002 a financial loss of $514.8 billion. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." - George W. Bush - NURSERY RHYMES FROM HELL JACK AND JILL went up the hill To have a little fun. Careless Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread. DEADLINE FOR A PALESTINIAN STATE FROM HELL "We are not ready to lay down a specific calendar except for the fact that we've got to get started quickly, soon, so we can seize the moment." - George W. Bush - HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL George Washington: Also had a wooden pecker. John Adams: Had sex in every room in the White House Thomas Jefferson: Used to roll around naked in piles of twenty dollar bills. James Madison: The smallest penis of any president. James Monroe: Refused to give his wife head so she used his nose. John Quincy Adams: Could give himself head. Andrew Jackson: Saved all his sperm in teacups. Martin Van Buren: Wore no underwear and exposed himself regularly to tourists. William H. Harrison: Flaming queen. Danced around the oval office in his wife's dresses. John Tyler: Three balls. James K. Polk: Could only get off if there was a chicken in the room. Zachary Taylor: Took hot coffee enemas. Millard Fillmore: Virgin. Franklin Pierce: Personally pierced his wife's labia. James Buchanan: Frolicked through the rose garden with a feather duster up his ass. Abraham Lincoln: Never washed his beard after giving head. Andrew Johnson: Wore a chastity belt. Ulysses S. Grant: Painted his pecker red and went to a state ball as a hibiscus. Rutherford B. Hayes: Kept a dildo under his desk. James A. Garfield: Liked to spank Chester A. Arthur. Chester A. Arthur: Liked to get spanked by James A. Garfield Grover Cleveland: Screwed the entire White House staff, including the gardeners Benjamin Harrison: Banned cucumbers in the White House. Grover Cleveland: Had one cast iron testicle that he invited reporters to kick. William McKinley: Necrophile. White House morgue finally closed. Theodore Roosevelt: Fucked a bear. William H. Taft: Jerked off into bibles. Woodrow Wilson: They didn't call him "Woody" for nothing. Warren G. Harding: Made the chiefs of staff suck him off in the Washington Monument Calvin Coolidge: Anal fixation. Sat on every doorknob in the White House. Herbert Hoover: Numerous three-ways with his VP. Franklin D. Roosevelt: Liked to be tied down and have his balls tickled. Harry S. Truman: Did it doggie style dressed like a choirboy. Dwight D. Eisenhower: Elaborate cock ring collection. John F. Kennedy: Couldn't get it up for Marilyn Monroe. Lyndon B. Johnson: Fucked John F. Kennedy in the wound. Richard M. Nixon: Kept Polaroids of other heads of state sucking ass. Gerald R. Ford: Slipped it to a White House maid while Nixon watched. James Carter: Enormous porn collection. Ronald Reagan: Could only have sex when Nancy wore a Ronald Reagan mask. George Bush: Wore a merkin. Bill Clinton: Liked blowjobs. George W. Bush: Not really president. QUOTES FROM HELL "I think I finally understand the symbolism behind the crucifixion. It's not about the redemption of human pain and suffering. It's about God on a Stick. Makes sense. If you're going to have a personal savior, you better make damn sure he's portable." - Mike Jasper - "I don't see the difference between a chimpanzee and my 4 1/2-year-old son." - Animal rights activist Steven Wise - "I want to eat your children." - Mike Tyson - "I didn't inhale." - Scooby-Doo - DYLAN QUOTE FROM HELL "Genetic threats are blowin' in the wind" QUIZ FROM HELL (With apologies to http://www.grand-illusions.com) It's a code red emergency and everyone has got to leave the White House. They've got 17 minutes to cross a subterranean bridge before the bombs arrive. Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, and Rumsfeld begin on the same side of the bridge. You must help them across to the other side. It is night. There is one flashlight. A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party that crosses the bridge, either 1 or 2 people, must have the flashlight with them. The flashlight must be carried back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each cabinet member walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower man's pace: * Bush: - 1 minute to cross * Cheney: - 2 minutes to cross * Ashcroft: - 5 minutes to cross * Rumsfeld: - 10 minutes to cross For example: if Bush and Rumsfeld walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed by the time they get to the other side of the bridge. If Rumsfeld then returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the mission. Answer below. RENT FROM HELL A man who spent 11 years in jail for a murder he did not commit has been charged �37,000 for his stay. MOUSE FROM HELL Monkeys implanted with special electrodes moved a cursor on a computer screen just by thinking about it. ANSWER TO QUIZ FROM HELL Bush and Cheney cross the bridge - 2 minutes Bush returns with the light - 1 minute Rumsfeld and Ashcroft cross - 10 minutes Cheney returns with the light - 2 minutes Bush and Cheney cross the bridge - 2 minutes. Total 17 minutes!! -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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