���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Well Victoria Day has come and gone and so has the beautiful weather! :( We actually had a really nice and warm weekend...but now they are predicting snow for this evening! What gives? What happened to those warm summer days when we could swim in May? There is still ice floating out on the lake...try swimming in that! Makes major body parts hide inside for shelter and that is NOT a good thing! NYC is once again under terrorism threat...and it is being taken very seriously...Dolly Parton was recently walking in Times Square and was detained and strip searched when they thought she was carrying a bomb under her shirt...the police officers were fairly young and horny and have been forgiven by Dolly Parton...pictures will soon be appearing on the net! Today's issue includes contributions by: Anni, Keli, Rubin, SunAmy, Stan, Di Ann, Marsha, Marina. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� Dear Aggie was cancelled last Friday...and in speaking with Aggie...she felt it only fair that we fill you in a little on the real identity of Aggie. Aggie is an online friend of mine by the name of Tony H (we'll keep his last name a secret...but any cute ladies who would like his phone number...just email me! ;))...Anyway I put the call out for a humourous gossip column to my buddies and Tony answered the call...he was able to develop the perfect character for the position and I have to say that I really looked forward to his biting humour in his replies to the REAL questions that YOU sent in! Aggie received a ton of email over the past few months...but gradually it dwindled down and so it was time to put the column to rest. Tony and I are trying to develop something new to replace Aggie...but so far have drawn a blank. Tony's health is not the best so getting him healthy is a number one priority for him right now... computer time is a bonus to him. So Tony...I thank you for developing such a wonderful character and including Aggie's hubby Bruno in the mix too...as far as I know there was only one other person who had figured out who Aggie was...we really kept it 100% secret so that no one could figure it out. Look for more exciting and unique ideas in Purehumour soon. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Raiding the fridge... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.193 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.193 Bang? What Bang? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.197 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.197 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Still at it after all these years! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Drew Carey ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The Birds, the Bees.. Amoeba?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.201 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.201 Why elephants are afraid... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.207 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.207 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated by a woman without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle. Everything from Boysenberry Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache! Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find a few scents men would appreciate. ATTENTION WOMEN: I know a few of you will understand these. Most of you won't. SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN '62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust Gunpowder Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog) Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods) Wood Smoke Chainsaw Exhaust Freshly Caught Bass Ozone (arc welder, of course) Acetylene Freshly Moved Dirt Sale Barn Silage Sawdust New Tires Hot Metal 3 Year Old Cap Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!) Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course) Burning Grass or Leaves (not that 'pot' crap, either!) Alfalfa Firecrackers Latex Paint ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Its Not What It Seems <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog3.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog3.htm Chick In A Bikini <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/12.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/12.html A Bra Invented By A Man <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/13.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/13.html One Tequila Two Tequila <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/14.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/14.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limerick Time: On the train, a soldier named Jack Said good-bye, and leaned out to smack The lips of his chick But the train took-off quick And he kissed a cow's ass down the track. Leaving the seat down may be sweet, But it means that I soak the seat, I would be really great, If I could pee straight, But most times I just wet my feet. There once was a priest from Bings, whose mind was on heavenly things, but his earthly desire was a boy on the choir whose ass shook like Jello on springs. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning fire pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said with a grin. "They are from Seattle ... they're too wet to burn!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Sitting in line... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.209 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.209 How long is this Guy? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.213 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.213 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A little education for you: What do you call this, "#," and why? When the operator at the end of an endless telephone menu of nightmarish complexity tells me to "press the pound key," I call it &@#@*#!! That will teach you to play tic-tac-toe with my valuable time! Pound key? I'll smash it! Ok, I'm calm now. First, it's the "pound key" only in the U.S. In Britain, where a pound key produces the sign for their currency, the # is known as a hash, hash mark, or hash sign, from the French, hacher, to cut or draw lines. In the U. S., # may mean, "number." For proofreaders, it's "space." It's a pound key because groceries used to indicate the price per weight of an item as $3.00 per #. Finally, # became an "octothorpe" at the Bell Labs, where geekspeaking techies were accustomed to turning English into hash. ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Top 10 puns of the 20th Century chosen by Richard Lederer 10. A good pun is like a good steak: a rare medium well done. 9. An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them. His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch. "Why should I do that, my love?" "Because it is where the sons raise meat [sun's rays meet]." 8. Back in the 1930s, William Lyon Phelps of Yale found the following sentence gleaming out of the pages of a freshman essay: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, Professor Phelps commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman, and one who has merely slipped." 7. Rudolph, a dedicated Russian communist and important rocket scientist, is about to launch a large satellite. His wife, a fellow scientist at the base with a background in meteorology, urges Rudolph to postpone the launch because, she asserts, a hard rain will soon fall. Their collegial disagreement soon escalates into a furious argument that Rudolph closes by shouting: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" 6. One frog croaks to the other, "Time's fun when you're having flies!" 5. Two ropes walk into an old western saloon. The first rope goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "We don't serve ropes in this saloon," sneers the bartender, who picks up the rope, whirls him around over his head, and tosses him out into the street. "Oh, oh. I'd better disguise myself," thinks the second rope. He ruffles up his ends to make himself look bigger and twists himself into a circle. Then he too sidles up to the bar. "Hmmm. Are you one of them ropes?" snarls the bartender. "No, I'm a frayed knot." 4. Mahatma Gandhi never wore anything on his feet, and he ate so little that he developed delicate health and bad breath. The result was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 3. Roy Rogers goes bathing in a creek, Along comes a cougar and begins nibbling on one of Roy's brand new boots, sitting by the edge of the creek. Dale Evans enters the scene and fires her trusty rifle in the air, chasing away the cougar. She turns to her husband and asks, "Pardon me, Roy. Was that the cat that chewed your new shoe?" 2. Better watch out, or my karma will run over your dogma. 1. And the most punderful piece of millennial word fun is Dorothy Parker's incomparable spoonerism: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� How Burgers Are Made <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/15.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/15.html She Cant Cook <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/16.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/16.html A Womans Choices <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/21.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/21.html Pass The Word <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/17.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/17.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "How does Keli like being pregnant?" Sam asked his friend Greg. "Oh, she's not pregnant," Greg replied, "she's expecting." "What's the difference?" Sam pressed. "Well, Greg explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day, three boys were late for class. The first boy came in, and the substitute teacher asked him where he'd been. He said, "I was on top of Beverly Hills." Then the second boy came in, and the teacher asked him where he'd been, and he too said, "I was on top of Beverly Hills." Then the third boy came in, and the teacher asked him where he'd been, and he said, "On top of Beverly Hills." Then a girl came in, and the substitute said, "I guess you were on top of Beverly Hills as well?" "No," she said, "I am Beverly Hills." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It Just fell off... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.221 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.221 Vote o'Brien... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.225 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.225 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A drunk driver has been arrested in Munich after he stopped his vehicle, walked over to a police car and urinated on it. He was charged after failing a breath test and then fined the equivalent of �200 ($400). Officers say he stepped out of his car, walked towards the two officers seated inside the vehicle and undid his trousers. He was arrested on the spot and taken to a nearby police station. Police say he now faces a driving ban for up to a month. His drinking drive fine included a �22($45) charge for urinating on police property. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition: The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step. Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired, except your fly is open. Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt! Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy. Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover: O.J. Simpson writes the song's sequel. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] Z Z Z z z z [||||] Thanks to a nationwide shortage of white shoed slumber inducers, nurse anesthetists are commanding yearly salaries up to $180,000, according to Allied Consulting, a Florence Nightingale head hunting firm. (USA Today) Wow. They make almost as much putting people to sleep as cast members of ABC sitcoms. B O N U S: [||||] G O I N G . . . G O I N G . . . [||||] Constantin Brancusi's 1913 sculpture "Danaide" hammered out a whopping $18.2 mil at a recent Christie's auction, a record tab for a statue. (LA Times) If you don't count James Cameron's Oscar for "Titanic." Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Creation According to the Trade Unions IN THE BEGINNING GOD CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 2. And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at Lots Road Power Station. 3. And God said, Let their be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. 4. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good; 5. And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called night, and so passed His GCSE. 6. And God said, let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999. 7. And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear. And in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot. 8. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it. 9. And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except in England where there was a heavy cloud and snow on high ground. 10. And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fishburgers and grade-three salmon. 11. And God blessed them, saying, be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them. 12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things, and there came cows, and the BBC Board of Governors. 13. And God said, Let us make man in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image. 14. And He said, Let man have fish, fowl, cattle and every creepy thing that creepeth on the earth. 15. And God said, Behold, I have given you the first of free yielding seed, to you this shall be meat, but to the EC it will be a Beef Mountain. (From The Bible According to Spike Milligan) ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� WANTED : Someone for leg work. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.241 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.241 Doing Cross something... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.243 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.243 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic Moment From My Archives:> A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. ...... So, how'd you break your arm? ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How can you tell if a woman has used a vibrator during pregnancy? The kid stutters! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DISINFOTAINMENT TODAY! ISSUE #3 THE HISTORY OF DENIALS "Had I known that the enemy was going to use airplanes to kill on that fateful morning, I would have done everything in my power to protect the American people." - George W. Bush - "If I had known that the Titanic was going to hit an iceberg, I would have done everything in my power to protect the passengers." - King Edward VII - "If I had known Rome was burning down, I never would have played my fiddle." - Nero - "If I had known they were going to get caught, I never would have authorized the break-in at the Watergate." - Richard Nixon - "If I had known we were going to lose the war, I never would have annexed the Sudatenland." - Adolf Hitler - "If I had known I was going to turn senile while still in office, I never would have run for a second term." - Ronald Reagan - BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Cheney Predicts Next Terrorist Attack At a press conference in front of the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that according to the latest al-Qaeda intelligence information, "a group of Harvard graduates will be hijacking a 747 and crashing it into Kathy Griffin." He then went on explain that the government would be doing nothing within its powers to prevent the attack. THE FUTURE MS. GARBO This organization gathers genetic material from silent film stars like Greta Garbo, Clara Bow, and Louise Brooks in order to resurrect them. Flintstones Reunion Cancelled With the success of the M*A*S*H reunion, the Cosby reunion, and the Laverne and Shirley reunion, a Flintstones a reunion was in the works but Fred and Barney refuse to appear together, Wilma's too far gone with Parkinson's disease, Betty was killed in the Pentagon crash, and Pebbles and Bam-Bam are both in rehab. You First George Bush asked Fidel Castro to hold free and open elections in Cuba. Good for Plankton Great Britain wants to lift the ban on whaling. President Gives Thumbs Up to Terrorism "Way to go, guys You won. Can we go home now?" I Can't Believe It's Not a Blow-Job In the wake of the current scandal, thousands of Catholic priests are now masturbating wildly in the confessionals. WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? by Helen A. Handbasket May 20, 2002 5. Condoleezza Rice said she opposes a public inquiry into the intelligence failures leading to the events of 9/11 unless they can get Gerald Ford to repeat the fine work he did on the Warren Commission. 4. Thank God that Pakistani police found the body of Daniel Pearl or Britney Spears would have never reunited with Justin Timberlake. 3. The house passed the GOP Welfare bill which finally allows single mothers to go to work if they kill their children and eat them. 2. "The last episode of Ally McBeal made me cry," said Adolf Hitler from the 3rd level of hell. "But what was with the season finale of The Practice? I think David E. Kelly has got untreated bi-polar disorder." And the number one person going to hell this week? 1. Microsoft plugged a critical IE hole today. "I didn't know they were into that sort of thing," said Elton John. "If they'd let me know, I would have helped." ANALOGY FROM HELL Imagine if there were some sort of food version of Napster that worked with your microwave instead of your computer. Let's call it Foodster. Turn on your microwave and Foodster supplies a list of absolutely every item on every menu in every restaurant on earth. Click on any item and ZAP, Foodster brings it right into your microwave, ready to consume. Sound good? Wouldn't you want Foodster? Wouldn't it get you trying dishes from far off places, things you'd never tasted before, making you want to visit those places? Wouldn't small time coffeeshops welcome the publicity if any of their dishes became popular? Wouldn't this microwave be the greatest culinary gift to mankind since the invention of fire, not only making every meal an adventure but, just as a side benefit, solving world hunger, guaranteeing that no one on earth need ever go hungry again? Wouldn't you use the damn thing, even if it were free? ESPECIALLY if it were free? And wouldn't you be pissed off if stove and refrigerator manufacturers fearing diminished sales, plus a small contingent of rich chefs from corporate restaurants, stopped Foodster dead in its tracks because the food it supplied contained their copyrighted recipes, even though nothing physical was actually stolen from their kitchens? Wouldn't Foodster's incredible benefits to all consumers far outweigh a rich corporation's desire to become richer? Don't you think they'd work out some sort of compromise where 90% of Foodster remained free, solving that pesky world hunger problem, while 10% became a pay premium service for gourmets? Your analogy of food to entertainment is thinner than Victoria's underwear, I hear you shriek. Food is a necessity but entertainment is a luxury? I beg to differ. I need my music. If the world weren't entertaining we'd all kill ourselves. Why not make all nine Beethoven symphonies available for free to foreign countries where western music hasn't gained a foothold? Sounds good to me. Napster did that. Why not let Saudis hear songs banned in their country due to religious intolerance? Napster did that too. But now it's dead because Metallica wanted their royalties. CONTEST FROM HELL Make up a haiku summarizing the career of any politician, living or dead, send it to [EMAIL PROTECTED], and win a "paperweight made from genuine South African elephant dung." FLIGHT FROM HELL Amelia Earhart's granddaughter will be recreating her famous ancestor's trans-Atlantic flight this week, promising we'll never see her again. INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb? Four hundred and seventy one: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old light bulb 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet. DUH! "Foreigners Obtain Social Security ID With Fake Papers" - New York Times headline - MORE ART FROM HELL Italian-born Londoner "artist" Franko B, will set up an "art" exhibit at the Fiercel annual performance art festival consisting of naked Franko with a 10cm self-inflicted incision across his stomach, which will be monitored by a doctor to assure that blood will continue to trickle for the 6 hours he is on display. QUOTES FROM HELL "The Bush Administration has untreated bi-polar disorder." - Madeleine Albright - "No we don't." - George W. Bush - "Yes we do." - George W. Bush - "There's nothing that can guarantee that I can tell my children they can go outside and nothing bad will happen." - Simi Buskila, whose 6-year-old daughter was wounded in yesterday's suicide bombing in Netanya, Israel - "Yes there is. Move." - Helen A. Handbasket - "The Pope stressed that men wishing to repress their homosexuality should seek a more conventional path, like marrying Liza Minnelli." - Bill Maher - "I've got a bad feeling about this." - every Star Wars movie - "Freedom becomes insignificant if it makes no difference what I choose." - Dinesh D'Souza - "Every religion has its own idea, because it is a fiction. You don't have different ideas about the sun. You don't have different ideas about the rose. You can have only different ideas about a fiction." - Osho - "Just as rust arising from iron eats away the base from which it arises, even so, their own deeds lead transgressors to states of woe." - Buddha - ALLIES FROM HELL The Egyptian government newspaper Al-Akhbar recently printed an article regretting that Hitler did not wipe out all Jews. The article was called, "If Only You Had Done It, Brother." QUIZ FROM HELL As a child, this actor appeared in a major motion picture, then disappeared off the face of the earth. Who is he and what part did he play? Clue: He didn't have a goatee. LAWSUIT FROM HELL Is the U.S. Patent Office braindead? They gave a patent to a company, PanIP, that covers any web site that "contains both text and graphics" and "is capable of obtaining credit card or other financial information from the user." They're now suing everyone in sight. Does your site have text and graphics? You're next. These bastards must be stopped. COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL I Am The President I am the President Isn't that great? Giving the liberals someone to hate I am the President That's who I be When you look at the President You're looking at me I know he shot those Kennedy's twice But now it's my turn To give Castro advice Do what I say and not what I do Count every vote and don't have a coup I'm not a governor That's what I was How did I get here? Let's just say because I am the President Drown me with cheers There's so much to fuck up In only four years I know I'm just Playing with dice But now it's my turn to give Putin advice Do what I say and not what I do Count every vote and don't have a coup -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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