���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Oh Well! I along with many people in Canada are mourning the crushing defeat of the Maple Leafs last night! You may have noticed that I have NOT mentioned the Leafs run for the Stanley Cup this year at all...maybe it was superstition...or maybe it was something else...but they seemed to be doing pretty good! They hit the wall of the Carolina Hurricanes who now make their first appearance in the finals against either Detroit or Colorado. Once more the Leafs will have to wait until next year....well at least my wife now gets the TV back! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Di Ann, SunAmy, Stan, Jack, Wayno, Douglas, John, Marina, Ruth. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: How do we know that fairy tales are fiction? Because the prince is always smart, handsome, single, and straight. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Not the right place for sex... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.204 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.204 Getting the Gas Chamber... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.212 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.212 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Pop-ups getting you down...can't surf in peace anymore because every site you visit pops-up a new one?....Well check this out...no more pop-ups or pop-unders and this one works on its own...no input from you required...try it FREE right now! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� MURPHY'S LAWS FOR COMPUTERS When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. When the going gets tough, upgrade. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is not just human, it is downright natural. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go is to say "Hallelujah!"; the way to make him stop is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop" said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept on going. "Oh No! Bible! ; Church! ; Please Stop!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain; In JESUS name, Amen." The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the edge of the cliff. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Not anymore! :( Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure." -Clarence Darrow ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Make sure he doesn't Jump... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.236 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.236 Just a little tif?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.276 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.276 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe. The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?" "Nope," the boy replies. "Found one." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� So You Wanna Get Laid <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw1.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw1.html Men are on this planet because <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw2.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw2.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limerick Story: This builder was a very sad bloke He very seldom had a poke, But when he found a lady willing To take a little cavity-filling He took the job and let it soak. After an hour the lady cried "Stop! enough, I'm satisfied" Then he gave a strangled shout "It's happened again, I can't get out Because my tools are trapped inside!" She said this'll do the trick Rub vanishing cream around your dick That will bring it down to size Move the wrinkles from your thighs And also stop you from feeling sick. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Well, in hindsight.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.48 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.48 I'll have the ... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.144 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.144 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Jean Cretien the Prime Minister of Canada, flies to England for an audience with the Queen. Cretien brings up his grand plans for the future of Canada. "Eh, Your majesty", he begins, "Can we turn Canada into a Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?" The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King, Mr Cretien." Not to be dissuaded, he asks "Would it possible to be an Empire then?" "No", retorts the Queen, "you need an Emperor for an Empire and you are most certainly not an Emperor". "Well then, what about a Principality then?", tries Cretien. Predictably, the queen replies, "You need a Prince for a Principality and you are most certainly not a Prince." Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and adds, "Mr. Cretien, having met you and several other Canadians I think Canada is perfectly suited to being a country." ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A red-colored horse regularly picked up scraps of oral hygiene supplies outside a dentist's office. A recycling center owner "borrowed" the horse one night in hope of using the animal in his business, But it was all to no avail because a stolen roan gathers no floss. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Got A Light? <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw3.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw3.html Help Wanted � Many Positions Available <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/04250202.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/04250202.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� "We might as well make it fun" <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.160 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.160 New peg holder... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.192 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.192 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Nudist sports team sponsored by washing powder firm Persil are sponsoring British naturists travelling to Amsterdam to take part in an international sporting tournament. It is thought to be the first link up between a household brand name and nudists. Team members will carry a Persil sports kit of socks, sweatbands, baseball hats and mini towels, at the International Naturist P�tanque Championships. As part of the deal thousands of naturists visiting clubs across Britain will also be offered samples of Persil's new washing powder, which contains aloe vera. Pat Thompson, manager of the British naturist p�tanque team and president of British Naturism, said: "As naturists, we have an obvious interest in being kind to our skin and many of us are familiar with aloe vera. "Washing our sports kit, what little of it there is, with a powder with added aloe vera is a natural choice. "The team is hugely excited that they have been able to land this deal. We might not have a Beckham or an Owen but landing this sponsorship deal is set to boost the profile of naturist p�tanque just as we go head to head with the World Cup!" Andrew Watson, Persil marketing manager, said: "People might ask why a washing powder company is working with people who don't wear clothes - surely these are the last people we should be talking to? "However, even naturists have washing machines. Our message is simple - for those occasions when you do have to put clothes next to your skin, make sure they are washed in new Persil Aloe Vera - it's our kindest powder." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <Groan!> The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganised." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] A L - Q A E D A B R I G A D E [||||] Barbie's principal squeeze, Ken, now has his own web site at www.manbehindthedoll.com where fans can keep tabs on the polystyrene stud's daily activities. (LA Daily News) At the moment, he's with his buddy GI Joe searching caves in Kandahar with their Army reserve unit "Mattel's Marauders." Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up, they met together on a dog. They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first replied, "I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable." The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied, "I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few times, and then spit in my damn face." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It's still there... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.240 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.240 Sheep Pimps... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.272 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.272 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mail man!!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why can't men do laundry? Nobody's invented a remote control for washing machines yet. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DISINFOTAINMENT TODAY! "All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged!" Issue #4 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Out-of-Control Barge A bridge collapsed in Oklahoma after it was struck by Luciano Pavarotti. Oh joy The CIA is helping the FBI reorganize. WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? by Helen A. Handbasket On this Memorial Day, I give thanks to everyone who ever fought for me, which in my personal life is looking pretty slim. Looks like my only choice is to give thanks to everyone who ever fought for me anonymously, having no idea they were giving their lives for my ability to crank out bullshit like this on a regular basis. (bullshit � 2002 Ambassadors from Hell, Corp. No use without signing something in blood). May 27, 2002 5. Russia. 4. France. 3. Italy. 2. Germany. And the number one nation going to hell this week? 1. Colombia. ARITHMETIC FROM HELL 747 divided by 4 plus 12 injured in a stampede at an Eminem concert minus 8 glasses of water per day it turns out we don't really need equals the 475 total wordcount of the arms control pact signed by Presidents Bush and Putin times Coleen Rowley's 13-page letter (that's about four times the length of the Moscow Treaty) accusing the FBI of undermining the pre-Sept 11 investigation of Zacarias Moussaoui minus $450,000 paid by the archbishop of Milwaukee to settle a sexual assault claim divided by every housewife in Beverly Hills using Botox. RUMOR FROM HELL All pretzel factories in Europe were shut down during Bush's visit. ALLIES FROM HELL According to a Saudi newspaper, the U.S. will vanish and the Bush administration are "the morons in Washington." HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL The CIA is exempt from the federal law that protects whistle blowers who work for the federal government. INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide 11. White Trashfindel 10. Big Red Gulp 9. Grape Expectations 8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 7. NASCARbernet 6. Chef Boyardeaux 5. Peanut Noir 4. Chateau des Moines 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Wriesling And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine... 1. Nasti Spumante QUOTES FROM HELL "Those who ask questions could face government charges." - Donald Rumsfeld - "Won't you blow me?" - Michael Dare - "A tyrant declares war to deny his subjects leisure and to impose on them the constant need for a leader." - Aristotle - "War is the health of the state." - Randolph Bourne - "It is the duty of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they do not die before they get killed." - Lord Buckley - "This film will single-handedly guarantee that George W. Bush will never see a second term." - From a review of Michael Moore's new film Bowling for Columbine - "He is not noble who injures living beings. He is called noble because he is harmless towards all living beings." - Buddha - "Impossible to see, the future is." - Yoda - "Not all those that wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien - "Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." - Charles Dickens - "All knowledge begins with honesty." - Plato - "Never be rude to anyone unless you mean it." - Archie Goodwin (Rex Stout) - QUIZ FROM HELL Before 9/11, who had information about a terrorist plot against the United States? a) John Walker Lindh b) George W. Bush Who is on trial for treason? a) John Walker Lindh b) George W. Bush BUREAUCRACY FROM HELL The supervising agent at the FBI who hampered the Moussaoui investigation has since been promoted. COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL Like a Bridge Over Okie Waters, I will Fall Me Down Please don't make me write this. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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