[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

Purehumour Family Autobot Wed, 03 Jul 2002 08:41:01 -0700

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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Welcome to the pre-July 4th issue and the post-July 1st issue! In
Canada we celebrated our 135th birthday over the weekend and had
a grand old time! Fireworks, cake, games and fun took place across
the country! Hopefully the celebrations in the US will be as exciting
and fun....keep the fools away and everyone stay safe!

Today bring the addition of a brand new feature to Purehumour...
Trivia by The Quiz Queen is now a daily feature of each issue...
two questions will be asked each day with the answers being
provided in the next issue. No prizes....just for fun and information...
something to share around the office water cooler and make your-
self look smart! ;)

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an
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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Keli, Barb, Ishy,
Michael, Di Ann, William.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Have you heard about the new radio station in town?

It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the
blues and then one week of ragtime.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Recycling hopes..
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

"Misc. Signs"

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the
roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:
Restrooms
<-----
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store_
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant:
the sign read: Women are not served here...
You have to bring your own.

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

One year, Johnny's family was having the
"extended family" 4th of July cookout at their
home. One of the special treats that year was
the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles,
bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had
bought out of state. (because they are illegal in
their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls,
saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen
through, and could they bring them along to the
picnic - they even had extra food to bring.
"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's
neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police
officer. The father turns as innocently as he
can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the
paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and
hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears,
and the father changes the topic to food for the
day. The family had brought some chicken to grill,
so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to
use out back - just turn on the gas and push the
ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out the back, as Johnny comes back
in through the front door. The father hurries to
him and says "Whew, that was close! That
man's a police officer, and he almost saw the
fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in
the grill!"

���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------���

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm
destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to
the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice
of God answered, "There's just something about you that
pisses me off."
-Stephen King

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

No body allowed...
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Cops, robbers...
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my
car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by
told me there was a service station a half mile away, so I
took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in
the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two gallon can, and I lugged it back
and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock
the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an
identical old car parked a short distance away. That was
my car. I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. The attendant suggested
helpfully, "You know, instead of walking back and forth to
fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons
in the tank and then drive the car here."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Sweet Old Grandma
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He Thought I Was A Nun
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Port A Potty
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Strong Love
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife
were expecting their first baby. I was elated when
he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's
birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to
relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl,
and she weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked
at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

<Editor's note: Having just gone through the whole driver
training thing with my oldest son...I can so much relate
to this!>

My 17 year old son just passed his road test recently
and when I saw this joke, it made me think of him.

As an instructor in driver education at the local area
High School, I've learned that even the brightest
students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each
scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked
him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead,
he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave
him a vacuum.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

Which is the oldest zoo in America?

A. Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo
B. Philadelphia Zoo
C. Bronx Zoo
D. Cincinnati Zoo

What do all these traditions have in common?
Sprinkling the bridal couple with rice, decorating
the bride with orange blossoms, and the circling
of the sacred fire by Hindus.

A. A connection with spring and new beginnings
B. A symbol of the bond of marriage
C. A symbolic wish for fertility
D. Coming of age

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Uh-Hum...
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One at a time
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who
dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio
show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination
according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned
under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned
by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show,
and try to share that knowledge with as many people as
I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. ..... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some
of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The
problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do
you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while
she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24.
The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but
most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to
Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own
Canadians? <CAUSE we ain't for sale!> ;)

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination
than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of
God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that
I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including
the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly
forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear
gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by
wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that
God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

I heard about a college girl who went to
a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent
the night with one of the frat boys and
soon discovered she was pregnant.

After her baby was born, she decided to
write a book about her experience, which
she chose to call:

"From Beer to Maternity"

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

PMS Stands For
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Microsoft Word Options
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

There was a preacher in a church down South who was getting more
and more distressed by all the "Sunday" Christians who showed up
for church on Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of the
week. A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he got up in the pulpit
one Sunday morning and laid into his congregation.

"There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. "You people are all
sinners and I'm getting tired of it! Its time to confess to your
sins before God and your fellow sinners. We are going to have a
cleansing. Right here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. Tell us
your sins and clean yourself in the eyes of the Lord! Who's
first?"

He walks down the aisle pointing at first one then another still
hollering "Confess" and "Who will be first?"

One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I
will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money
drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and the
preacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your
ways."

And to the audience, "C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!"

And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children.
Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the
way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me."

And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss
and then used that money to gamble."

And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's
the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear
EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!"

And still another man stood and said in a firm voice: "I've had
sex with a goat."

And the preacher replies in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't
think I would confess to that!"

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

FIR KILLS TREE SURGEON
Darwin Award Nominee (Confirmed)

June 2002, England | A tree surgeon was lopping branches from
a fir tree and throwing them on to a small fire below, when one
of the branches became propped against the tree. The tree burst
into flames, and the man was found dead on the ground, still
wearing his safety harness. Northumbria Police said, "There are
no suspicious circumstances. It was a tragic accident."

SLICK SHIT SLIP
2002 Honorable Mention

April 2002, Arizona | Had Rodney been eating too many banana peels?
This Mohave County Jail inmate defecated on his cell floor, slipped
in his own feces, struck his head on the ground, and died. The
49-year-old had been arrested for trespassing the previous week.
Astoundingly, a Sheriffs' spokesperson said that "foul play had
been ruled out." Felled by your own feces? I call that foul!

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A Romanian woman had to have an aerosol can removed in
hospital after her attempt at a romantic evening
without a man misfired.

The woman, who was holidaying alone on the Black
Sea coast, had decorated her hotel room with candles
and flowers and put on some background music.

But the night ended in pain and embarrassment after
she tried to use a can of deodorant as a sex aid and
got it stuck.

The woman, named as Marcela M by the National newspaper
in Romania, told doctors she had just broken up with her
boyfriend and wanted to prove to herself she could do
without a man.

Doctors managed to remove the aerosol can but kept the
woman - from Hunedoara - in hospital for observation, the
National reports.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is
examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter
society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by
your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have
any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to
school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good
money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my
experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here.
People might be interested in reading a book like that. Some of the new
treatments and medications have developed in recent years. And the classes
in life skills and using computers and connecting with people on the
internet have helped me feel more real and in touch with the world.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art
history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can
continue being a teapot and post stuff to YahooGroups."

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] R E D A L E R T [||||]

Pollster Zogby says 57% of Americans believe that July Fourth will be
our most serious terrorist threat since 9-11. (MSNBC)

Maybe, but no where near the explosion danger when dad fires up the
barbecue for the first time this year.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

SPECIAL NEWS REPORT:

HotMail to Charge for Vowel Usage!

(Redmond, WA - June 21, 2002) - In its continuing effort to convert
Hotmail from a free to a paid service, Microsoft has announced that it
will begin restricting usage of vowels to its paying customers,
effective August 1. The service has undergone several subtle changes
this year, in an attempt to get free users of the service to start
paying an annual usage fee, according to industry insiders.

"First, they started requiring that you log in to your account at least
once every 30 days. If you didn't, your account would be cancelled
unless you agreed to start paying," one source reported. "Next, they
announced that certain features, such as POP access to other e-mail
accounts, would be provided only to paying customers."

Apparently, these moves have not generated the revenue expected, which
has led to the latest announcement. "We're not restricting or filtering
incoming mail at all," an unidentified spokesperson said. But outgoing
mail from Hotmail after July 31 will have all vowels removed by
automatic filters unless the sender has subscribed to the annual
fee-based service.

"We gave our loyal users our commitment to maintain a free e-mail
service, and we have done that," the source said. "But we have to cut costs
wherever possible, and the removal of vowels will help us reduce the
load on our servers and networks. We've consulted extensively with
linguistic experts and fees that most users will still be able to
compose concise, meaningful messages using creative spellings and
popular abbreviations to eliminate vowel usage from their messages.
Everyone else can bloody well pay us."

Several users contacted by this reporter said they would keep using
Hotmail as a free service no matter what obstacles Microsoft puts in
place. "I'll just use my own shorthand," one said. "I'm trying different
approaches, but I think that I can substitute a caret for A, a 3 for E,
the numerals 1 and 0 for I and O, and probably use V instead of U. This
will let me write "Can we meet at your place?" as "C^n w3 m33t ^t y0vr
pl^c3?" Voila! Hotmail remains free for me!"

Microsoft has said that it will implement the new vowel-restricted
service in all of the different languages that Hotmail supports. Users in
Poland and the Czech republic are not expected to be significantly affected by
the change.

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten
o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve
o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While
she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by
the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her
to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and
again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked
again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the
parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying
into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He
suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its
hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed,
"Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber!"

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're always bitter.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Disinfotainment Today
by Michael Dare

ISSUE #9

If a court in Saudi Arabia had decided that state sponsored schools could
no longer force students to pledge their allegiance to Allah, everyone in
America would have praised it as a sign that Saudi Arabia was marching
forward into the 21st century. But let a court in America say exactly the
same thing and everyone goes apeshit.

So let's get this straight. The whole point of separating church and state
is to stop the state from coercing the population into the practice of any
particular religion. That's why our forefathers crossed the Atlantic, to
escape state sponsored religion. They created a nation for EVERYBODY, no
matter what fool thing they believed in. This is a nation under God, Jesus,
Adonai, Vishnu, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, and Four Giant Turtles carrying the
earth on their backs. To pick any one of these deities and make it the one
that our nation is under, the one that all school children must pledge
allegiance to, obviously "respects an establishment of religion" and is
therefore unconstitutional.

The only reason everyone's upset is because it's THEIR God the pledge seems
to be referring to. If it was Four Giant Turtles, they'd have no problem
with its removal. You may say that the word "God" is generic, referring to
no particular deity, but your nose is growing. It's clearly a reference to
the Judeo/Christian God, making those of us who migrated here to be free to
worship Four Giant Turtles feeling terribly left out. After all, it's not a
nation under OUR God.

There's only one solution. Since a pledge that mentions every single deity
worshiped in the United States would go on forever, all mention of any
belief system has clearly got to be deleted from the pledge. I recommend
the following...

The Ultimate Politically Correct Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge nothing to the nothing
of the united nothing of nothing.
And to the nothing for which it stands,
one nothing, under nothing,
with nothing and nothing for nobody.

Judo Time
by Noah benShea

In Judo preparation, the combatant is told to make his or her mind like
water. Water does not presume form and hence does not have to fight its own
presumption.

Too often the most difficult opponent we will face in any moment is our
presumption of the moment. Our view of the future is usually a view of our
expectation. Rushing out to meet our expectation we often run into reality
� the reality that our expectation does not rule the day.

As we look to the future, let us make our mind like water. Let us swim in
the river of time because that's where we happen to be breast-stroking, and
being where we are is the best way to get where we are going. Let us spend
more time finding, rather than fighting, our current.

The Taoists say, "You cannot push the river." Unfortunately, too many of us
start our day by attempting to push the river for our morning exercise. Too
many of us confuse doing something with getting something done.

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE

Women in Swaziland's royal capital say they dare not wear trousers after a
top official warned them that the offending garments would be torn off by
soldiers.

Easy to be Hard
Last year, New York State spent $6 million buying people Viagra.

At Least they Work for Us
Terrorists who managed to dump 200,000 tons of toxic sludge into the
Potomac River, which serves as the source for Washington's drinking water,
have been identified as the Environmental Protection Agency and the U.S.
Army Corps of Engineers.

Proof the Minority Need Protection from the Majority
Nine out of ten Americans think the phrase "under God" should remain in the
pledge of allegiance.

This Would Have Never Happened Under Mussolini
The American dollar is now worth less than the Eurodollar.

Question of the Week

How come Democrats make headlines when they stick something in women but
Republicans make headlines when someone sticks something up their ass?

Religious Site of the Week
The Lego Bible: http://www.thereverend.com/brick_testament/

And R. Kelly is Their Favorite Filmmaker
Iran's arbitrating body has approved a reformist law increasing the minimum
marriage age from 9 to 13 for girls and from 14 to 15 for boys.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

My name is Patrick Bonner and I am a 22 year old screenwriter. I have
finished 2 feature length scripts to this point and one teleplay. I am
writing to you to ask how I may go about breaking into this business. You
see, I live in Milton, MA. I know what you're saying, "MILTON, MASS! The
Mecca of moviemaking... how has he not broken in yet?"

I firmly believe that I am one of the bright stars in the screenwriting
world's near future. I love writing and am very good at it. Believe me when
I say that I am not egotistical, I just have a lot of faith in my writing.
I am 22 years old. I know I have plenty of time to do this. But writing is
what I want to do for my life. All of my work has been entered into
contests and I send out at least five query letters a day. I was hoping you
could share with me some advice as to how I can better my chances of being
read.

I won't pepper you with loglines and pitches, but if you would like to hear
more about my writing, please let me know. Thank you for your time.

H Patrick Bonner

Patrick,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

I can tell you that trying to get ahead in the industry without living in
Los Angeles is problematic to say the least. Imagine for the moment that
Bruce Springsteen is going to do one show at the 500 seat Troubadour in Los
Angeles and you want to go. Sorry, but there are already 2,000 people
actually at the Troubadour in line ahead of you. You want tickets from
Milton? Ha. And again, ha! You're up against thousands of people who are
just as talented as you, people who are actually in Hollywood and hustling
24 hours a day. Sorry, but getting ahead involves relentless hustling. You
want to get ahead in Hollywood, come to Hollywood. You want to get ahead in
Milton, stay in Milton.

And on top of everything else, on top of all the shit you've got to get
together to make it in Hollywood, along with the talent and ambition and
tireless drive to succeed, on top of all that, lightning has to strike.
There's no preparing for the insufferable odds against ANYTHING getting
made, much less something good. Can you make lightning strike? You can be
Robert Town, William Goldman, and Tom Stoppard rolled into one giant wad of
talent, and if lightning doesn't strike you're nowhere because every one of
them wouldn't have made it without a little bit of luck.

I don't mean to discourage you from writing. The realities of the
marketplace have nothing to do with the joy of cranking out words with
reckless abandon. I play classical guitar for at least an hour every day
for the sheer joy of it, without any hopes of becoming the new Segovia. By
all means write and write and write and write.

If it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointment. They
Might be Giants said that and damned if it ain't the truth. I don't know
how to tell you to get lucky. If I had any luck to spare, I'd give it to you.

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who's going to trade their soul away or what they're going
to get for it unless you're Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in
charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her
sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are
confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not
necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

July 1, 2002

5. "Why am I here?" cried Rosemary Clooney. "I've never hurt anyone in my
life." Oh yeah? Try listening to Mambo Italiano over and over. Satan hates
that song, which doesn't really explain why he wants Clooney around.
Anyway, now she gets to spend some time with Ella Fitzgerald.

4. John Entwistle got old before he died.

3. "I can't wait to meet Martha Stewart," declared cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer
from the 2nd level of hell. "I've heard her finger sandwiches are to die for."

2. North Korea suffered more than 30 casualties in a sea battle on the
same day thousands of crows descended on the Canadian town of Woodstock,
outnumbering terrified residents. Coincidence? I don't think so."

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. WorldCom stockholders get to learn the finer points of clipping
supermarket coupons.

JOKE FROM HELL

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and
paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is
it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other
side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the
door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

Thomas Jefferson referred to the bible as a "dunghill" (Oct 12, 1813 letter
to John Adams), John Adams wrote "This would be the best of all possible
worlds, if there were no religion in it!" (April 19, 1817 letter to Thomas
Jefferson), then he signed the Treaty of Tripoli which provides in Article
11 that "The Government of the United States is not in any sense founded on
the Christian religion."

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Unless people start dying, it won't become legal, so I volunteer to be the
first victim. Somebody kill me with pot tonight."
- Bill Maher -

"I believe that the whole pledge is unconstitutional because the United
States was founded as a government of the People, by the People, and for
the People. Therefore the People should not be pledging to the Government,
but the Government should be pledging to the People."
- Mark Perkel -

"History is like shampoo: exotic or generic, the last step is always REPEAT."
- Mrs. Betty Bowers -

"If we do not act now, we will surely end up where we are heading."
- Chinese Proverb -

"Being real is one thing. Being interesting is better."
- Stanley Kubrick to Vincent D'Onofrio on the set of Full Metal Jacket -

"What do you call someone in possession of all the facts? Paranoid."
- William Burroughs -

"Our brains need to be retuned: forget about left and right, liberal and
conservative, Democrat and Republican, and start thinking about the rich
and the poor, the ruler and the ruled."
- Mathew Riemer -

"There is no confusion like the confusion of a simple mind."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby -

"With his wealth collected justly, won through his own efforts, he shares
both food and drink with beings who are in need."
- Buddha -

"Right now, I want to focus on making a salad."
- Martha Stewart -

QUIZ FROM HELL

Let's say you produce a product that is beneficial to mankind, maybe a
drug, and sales of this product make you $1 million a year. Let's say a
discovery is made that a common item available for free to anybody, let's
say dandelions, contains all the exact same benefits of the product you
produce. Would you...

a) applaud the research and go into the dandelion business, even though it
meant a cut in salary?

b) do everything within your power to suppress this information and keep
yourself in business?

ANSWERS:

a) You have made the difficult choice of sacrificing your personal
interests for the benefit of mankind. You are a hero who embodies
everything that is good about life on earth.

b) You are a self-serving bastard who puts his own selfish needs ahead of
the benefit of mankind. You are a villain who embodies everything that is
rotten about life on earth.

ESSAY QUESTION:

Come up with one single example where George W. Bush has chosen mankind
over his own self-interest.

[EMAIL PROTECTED]
http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/.

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