���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Congratulations to Vancouver/Whistler on being short-listed for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. They, along with three other cities begin the intense effort to bring the Olympic Games to their city. The final announcement will be made July 2nd 2003. The last time that Canada hosted the Winter Olympic Games was in Calgary, Alberta in 1988. This was one of (if not THE) best Winter Olympics in history...Canada rocks when it comes to sporting events...so come on people vote for Vancouver/Whistler in 2010! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Megan, Stan, Anni, Rubin, Keli, Almero. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: You know you're growing older when ... You and your teeth don't sleep together. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Just plain gross... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1004 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1004 Sarge Goes to sleep.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1003 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1003 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: FREE 48Hour Miracle Diet Plan Get the 48 Hour Miracle Diet Plan that everyone is talking about for FREE!!!! http://www.helpudiet.com <a href="http://www.helpudiet.com";> get diet here </a> You can lose up to 10 pounds in 48 hours! It's taste is superior to the 'other' guys! USE it! and LOSE it! http://www.helpudiet.com <a href="http://www.helpudiet.com";> get diet here </a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [Dumb Crook Award Of The Day!] A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all the muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and would call the police before he reached the tellers window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light bulb in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, that it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to the Bank of America. Browbeaten and defeated, the man said "ok" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America bank. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Richard Sanders actor (Les Nessman-WKRP, Berrengers, Spencer) 1940 William Cohen (Sen-R-Me) 1941 Paul Peter Plishka Old Forge Penn, bass (Bronx Botanical Gardens) 1943 David Soul Chicago, actor (Starsky & Hutch, Here Comes the Bride) 1943 Lou Pinella Yankee manager (1969 AL rookie of the year) 1946 Bob Beamon US, long jumper (Olympic-gold-1968) 1947 Alice Playton NYC, actress (Who Killed Mary Whats 'er Name) 1949 Hugh Cornwell rocker (The Stranglers-Dreamtime) 1950 Ron "Louisana Lightning" Guidry Yankee pitcher (Cy Young 1978) 1951 Wayne Osmond Ogden Utah, singer (Osmond Brothers, Donnie & Marie) 1957 Daniel Stern Stamford Ct, actor (City Slickers, Wonder Years) 1958 Scott Hamilton Toledo, figure skating champion (Olympic-gold-1984) 1960 Emma Samms [Samuels], London, actress (Colby's, General Hospital) 1960 Leroy Chiao Milwaukee Wisc, astronaut 1961 Kim Appleby rocker (Mel & Kim-Coming to America) 1963 Reyna Thompson NFL corner back (NY Giants) 1965 James Jagger son of Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall 1965 Julie Brown MTV VJ (approx) 1966 Jerry Fehily rocker (Hothouse Flowers-Don't Go) 1968 Scarlet Annette Morgan Pfafftown NC, Miss NC-America-1991 1969 Jason Priestley Vancouver BC, actor (Brandon-Beverly Hills 90210) 1969 Mary McCartney daughter of Beatle Paul McCartney 1971 Janet Evans US swimmer (Olympics-1992) .....and on this day in history: 1951 Pirates snap NY Giants 16 game win streak 1955 1st NFL preseason sudden death football, Rams beats Giants 23-17 1957 Sen Thurmond begins 24-hr filibuster against civil rights bill 1960 White Sox Ted Kluzewski's 3-run HR is disallowed as ump called time 1962 Dr Geza DeKaplany tortures wife with acid 1962 Tony Sheridan & the Beat Brothers record "Ya Ya (Parts 1 + 2)" 1963 200,000 demonstrate for equal rights in Washington, DC 1963 Evergreen Point Floating Bridge connecting Seattle & Bellevue opens 1963 Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a dream speech" at Lincoln Memorial 1964 Race riot in Philadelphia 1968 Police & anti-war demonstrators clash at Chicago's Dem Natl Conven 1970 Phillies Larry Bowa steals home for 2nd time in 1970 1973 6.8 quake centered in Oaxaca State in Mexico kills 527 1974 Soyuz 15 returns to Earth 1976 NY Cosmos beat Seattle Sounders 2-1 for NASL cup 1977 NY Yankee Ron Guidry faces just 28 men & beats Texas Rangers 1-0 1977 NY Cosmos defeat Seattle Sounders, 2-1, at Civic Stadium in Portland Ore, winning their 2nd North American Soccer League championship 1978 Donald Vesco rode 21'-long Kawasaki motorcycle at 318.598 mph 1981 John Hinckley Jr pleads innocent in attempt to kill Pres Reagan 1981 Sebastian Coe of UK sets 1-mi record of 3:47.33 (since broken) 1981 National Centers for Disease Control announces high incidence of Pneumocystis & Kaposi's sarcoma in gay men 1983 Israeli PM Menachem Begin announces resignation 1983 Joseph Kreckman sets record of 2,215 clay pigeons shot in an hour 1986 US Navy officer Jerry A Whitworth sentenced to 365 years for spying 1988 70 killed in crash of 3 Italian AF fighters at air show in Germany 1990 Iraq declares Kuwait its 19th province 1991 5 die in a NYC subway's 3rd worst accident 1991 Red Tom Browning vs Expo Dennis Martinez both perfect game pitcher �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� He: How do you feel about pasta sex? She: Pasta sex? What's that? He: That's when I start kissing your lips... then I kiss pasta your neck, then I kiss pasta your breasts, then I kiss pasta your belly button... She: Ohhhh... al dente! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Its kinda dusty down there! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Stand Closer <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/31.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/31.htm Have You Been Flossing <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/32.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/32.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard-on. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The parrot gives the game away.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1002 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1002 Isn't it ironic <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1001 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1001 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back. At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer! Sad..isn't it! ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� My grandfather came to America to gain freedom, but it didn't work. My grandmother came over on the very next boat. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get? A. 20,000 miles B. 10,000 miles C. 5,000 miles D. 1,000 miles --- Can you guess how many known species of birds there are? A. 100 B. 1,000 C. 10,000 D. 100,000 <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is the oldest type of clown? A. Whiteface --- What type of clown is the auguste? B. Bumbling fool � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� MisMatched <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mismatched.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mismatched.html Is Your Girlfriend Uglier Than. . .? <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/36.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/36.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> There is a story about a monastery in Afghanistan perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� An entrepreneur came into the bank to deposit his day's receipts. The teller noticed that his bills seemed rather sticky. "Yes, I'm sorry about that," said the customer, "I'm a cotton candy vendor and everything I handle seems to end up with a fine film of sugar on it." The teller lightly touched his tongue to the a bill to confirm that it was indeed coated with sugar." At the end of the day, when the bank was closing, the teller went to lock his cash drawer into the safe. He was arrested and charged with "giving vaults tasty money." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Ask Guru Joe <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askjoe.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askjoe.html Crazy Sounds Machine <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/crazy.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/crazy.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea. The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?" A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An Iraqui was traveling in China. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly Chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..." The Iraqui was amazed. He asked the Chinaman what was going on. "Oh", said the Chinaman, "magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters". "Wow", said the Iraqui, "can I try it?". "Certainly", replied the Chinaman. The Iraqui picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back "CHIM...PAN...ZEE...." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It's Just Like A Florida Vacation <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/37.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/37.html Well Endowed <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/endowed.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/endowed.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Slovakian motorist who blew up his car and a service station when he used a cigarette lighter to look into his gas tank is to be charged with endangering public safety. The 30 year-old, not named by police, says his fuel gauge had broken and he had pulled into the service station to see if there was fuel in the tank. He says he could not see into the tank and used the lighter to allow him to see into the nozzle. The naked flame ignited the tank and, as the panicked motorist fled, the fire spread and demolished much of the small service station in the west Slovak town of Horna Streda. The motorist was treated for burns and two other people who were badly injured when his car's fuel tank blew up are still in hospital, Slovak media reports. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� # Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail: 1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling). 2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here. 3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there. 4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here. 5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here. 6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here. 7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder. 8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills, stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking. WHAT A COUNTRY........ ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] G O D B L E S S Y O U [||||] Billy Graham's son and bible thumper apparent, Frank, called Islam "a very evil religion" and accused Muslim leaders of "failing to apologize to the American people for 9-11." (USA Today) His "Jesus, You d' Man" Youth Conference in Kabul has been canceled. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns - First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster). Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks. Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?? ???? ??? ??? ?? ?? ?? on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain. Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halaal chicken is forbidden... There is a grey area with donkeys, however. Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, Hammed and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os. PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� One sure way <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1000 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1000 Say's nothing about pants... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.999 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.999 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� DINING OUT Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese: "Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?" "Yes, Thank you." "Smoking or non?" "Non smoking." "Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?" "I guess indoors would be good." "Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?" "Uh, let me see...uh..." "I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium." "I think the solarium would be lovely," I said. We followed him there... "Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?" "Whatever you recommend," I said. Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought. He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside. Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than any of us, presented himself at our table... "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?" "No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato." "Soup, or salad?" "Salad." "We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp." "Just a mixed-green salad, okay?" "Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?" I didn't want to make another decision... "Whatever you've got will be fine." "We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch." "Just bring me one. Surprise me." "Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?" "Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility. "And for your baked potato?" I knew what was coming! "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it." "No butter? No sour cream?" "No." "No chives? No bacon chips ? " "No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak." "Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?" "Whatever." "Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you." "Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed." "Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?" That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?" "Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?" "I prefer right here." Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly. I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I wanted. "No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water." "Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime? ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ISSUE #17 Dear Dr. Hollywood, Why don't you do a non-political, all Leonard Maltin issue? Sincerely, George W. Bush Dear George, Done, but this is your last favor. MD What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin? 99.9% of the 19,000 entries in his new 2003 Movie & Video Guide are absolutely correct. But oh that .1%. When I was a kid, I read a review of a classical recording that blew my mind. It was so pretentious, so precise in its dissection of the quality of the performance, that I just didn't believe it. I'd heard classical music and there simply wasn't that big a difference between performances by different musical groups. Beethoven's 5th was Beethoven's 5th, whether conducted by Bernstein or Toscanini. I decided to conduct a test. I went to Tower Records and bought every single available performance of a single Beethoven string quartet and listened to them all. I was astonished. One of them sucked. One of them was infinitely superior to all the rest, giving incredible emotion to the piece that was totally missing from the rest, making me almost cry at impossibly beautiful passages that I barely noticed in the other performances. How can anybody listen to Beethoven string quartets that aren't performed by the Guarnari Quartet? I realized it really didn't take any special skill to become an expert. What made me an expert on performances of Beethoven string quartets was simply the fact that I went out and listened to all of them side by side. Anybody could do it. Wine experts are simply people who've tasted more wine than you, so they've got more experiences with which to compare each tasting. You may taste a wine and think it's incredible simply because it's the best wine you've ever had, but to someone who's tasted from all the Chateaus in the Bordeaux region of France, it's just mediocre. Subjectively, you're right. Objectively, they are. Maltin's guide is one of the most stunning displays of true objectivity ever published. No matter how many movies you've seen, Maltin has seen more. With a seven point grading system and concise paragraphs, his book tells you precisely where a film falls in the grand scheme of things. He has an un-erring sense of whether a film will stand the test of time, and his ability to cut through the publicity mayhem surrounding all successful new releases, getting to the heart of whether they're actually any good, is uncanny. He's not writing for you, he's writing for people in the future, way in the future, a 16-year-old in 2020 who doesn't know Little Caesar from Little Nicky but they're both showing tonight. If there's a film on TV that you've never heard of and you want to know in the most immediate terms whether it's worth watching or not, you cannot do better than Leonard Maltin. To grade films objectively, you've got to be egoless, leaving yourself and your idiosyncratic taste out of the picture. You can love a film even though it's crap or hate a film even though it's great, and you've still got to give the crappy one less stars than the great one. I personally can't stand Gone with the Wind, Out of Africa, or The English Patient. They're just not my cup of melodrama. In the case of Gone with the Wind, I'm simply too irritated by Scarlett O'Hara to enjoy the picture. Every time she appears on the screen, I want someone to punch her in the mouth, but as a professional critic, I don't allow my personal taste to get in the way of my critical assessment of the picture. Taking into account everything I know about the film, including it's placement in film history, I'd still give it 4 stars. It's a mandatory view, even though I can't stand it. Birth of a Nation takes place in a world in which the Klu Klux Klan are the good guys. It's insufferably racist and genuinely politically incorrect, but the fact that, among other things, it contains the very first tracking shot in the history of film, makes it a must see. At the time, it was unquestionably the best movie ever made, advancing the state of cinema a hundred-fold. 4 stars. True objectivity is difficult to achieve under any circumstances, but particularly in the world of film criticism where EVERYBODY has their own opinion. You may hate punk music and be totally turned on by Pamela Anderson, but if you're being objective you've got to admit that Sid and Nancy is brilliant and Barb Wire is a load of crap, even if you hated the former and loved the latter. Reading Leonard Maltin, you can't tell if he's gay or straight, married or single, conservative or liberal. He reveals nothing of himself because he's not the subject. Historians don't have opinions, they simply lay out the facts as they see them. Maltin's an incredibly tough critic. Flip through the book looking for films with 4 stars and you'll go for long stretches of time without finding any. He saves 4 stars for films that are unquestionably flawless and timeless, films that will go down in every history book as major classics. The Wizard of Oz. Citizen Kane. Grapes of Wrath. Films like that. Anything less gets 3 1/2, which makes 3 1/2 pretty much his actual top honor. Even The Godfather only gets 3 1/2, which pretty much says it all. He's stingy with his bottom ranking too. He doesn't give 1 star, replacing it with "BOMB," and you won't find very many of them. A film has to be devoid of the slightest shred of quality or entertainment value to get the BOMB accolade. Myra Breckinridge. Howard the Duck. Robot Monster. Films like that. Anything with the slightest shred of entertainment value gets 1 1/2 stars. Even Town and Country gets 1 1/2 stars which pretty much says it all. When a book is this perfect, the mistakes become all the more glaring. I couldn't find many, but the following 4 in a book of 19,000 bother the hell out of me. I don't care much about our 1 star differences of opinion. He gives Being There 2 1/2. I would have given it 3 1/2. No biggie. No, the big problem is the few films that are entirely and unforgivably wrong, the 1 1/2s that deserve 3 1/2 or 4, the films that Maltin mysteriously and totally didn't get. Here are the 4 most egregious examples of Maltin's rare inability to be objective. Maltin must be the only person on earth who thinks Return of the Living Dead III (2 1/2 stars) is better than The Shining (2 stars). It's extremely telling that he gives Nic Cage's The Family Man 3 1/2 stars but The Shining only 2. The Family Man is about a man with an empty life who finds fulfillment when he realizes there's nothing better than a child and one good woman to love. The Family Man says that heaven on earth is the nuclear family. The Shining is about a man with an empty life BECAUSE he's got a child and one good woman to love. The Shining says that hell on earth is the nuclear family. That's a message that Maltin can't stand. In this case, he's clearly espousing the message of The Family Man over the message of The Shining, unless he actually thinks that Brett Ratner is a better, more important filmmaker than Stanley Kubrick. He obviously doesn't. Maltin's opinion of The Shining is based upon who he really is. He's being subjective. Naughty naughty. There's nothing counter-culture about Leonard Maltin. He IS the family man, with a loving wife, loving kids, and a split-level home in the suburbs. He has gone through the change that all parents go through concerning the importance of good family entertainment, films you can watch with your kids, films with values you want to pass on to your offspring. It's not till you're a parent that you can truly realize the genius of Dr. Seuss and Walt Disney. Though he's certainly capable of appreciating the counter-culture (He gives Easy Rider 3 1/2 stars and the Monkee's Head 3 stars), when a film gets TOO pessimistic or anti-establishment, his brain short circuits. He gives Blue Velvet 2 stars, calling it "too strange to be easily enjoyed." He calls Taxi Driver "ugly and unredeeming," as though those were bad things. What makes the film great is the lack of redemption and compromise. One can only imagine how a studio executive would have insisted upon ending the film. They certainly wouldn't have allowed Travis Bickle to walk off into the sunset with the prettiest girl on the block when we know he's a murderous psycho. Irony's never been a best seller. No matter how good and important we all know Taxi Driver is, Maltin's only capable of giving it 2 stars because it's one of the most pessimistic movies ever made. Same with The Shining. (For a more detailed analysis, read Five Things You Probably Didn't Notice in The Shining) http://home.earthlink.net/~dare2b/kubrick.htm I enjoyed The Family Man. I don't automatically dislike films that spout family values any more than Maltin should automatically dislike films that don't. The Family Man is a good movie but if you miss it, big deal. The Shining is a good movie that is an absolute must-see. It's a 4. (Okay, Maltin, you can give it 3 1/2) Maltin must be the only person on earth who thinks Rambo III (2 1/2 stars) is better than First Blood (1 1/2 stars). First Blood is one of the greatest counter-culture movies of all time. It falls right into the category of Hitchcock's best, where an innocent man finds himself on the run in circumstances beyond his control. In North by Northwest, Cary Grant is dancing with a woman on a crowded dance floor in the U.N. His partner is stabbed in the back, and as they fall, the knife comes out in Grant's hand. Somebody screams and everybody turns to look at him, standing there with a bloody knife in his hand and a dead bleeding woman at his feet, clearly guilty of murder to everyone in the world except us, the viewing audience, who are the only ones who know he didn't do anything. In First Blood, Sylvester Stallone plays John Rambo, a man who is just walking through town when a local cop decides to hassle him for absolutely no reason other than he can. Every black person, every ex-hippie, nowadays every Muslim, can relate to how it feels to be picked on for not hurting anybody, just for being yourself. It is the essence of counter-culture to be found wanting simply for not fitting in (10 to 1 that Maltin's never been hassled by the man), and Rambo is an essential counter-culture hero because boy, did they pick the wrong innocent man to pick on. Once in jail, things get worse fast. The sheriff's deputies are sadists who tie him up and beat him. He kills one of them and escapes to the mountains where things escalate beyond comprehension. Soon there are hundreds of soldiers combing the hillsides for innocent John, where his Green Beret training comes in extremely handy as he single-handedly slaughters them all with the catch phrase we've all grown to know and love, "I didn't do anything!" Sure it's unbelievable. That's what happens when you're dealing with archetypes, and despite the fact we know he couldn't possibly be surviving all that mayhem with nary a scratch, it's great fun and we're rooting for him all the way. Who cares if you can't understand a word of his final monologue, which seems to be Maltin's main complaint. First Blood is a fabulous fantasy of the ultimate underdog. 3 1/2 stars all the way. Maltin must be the only person on earth who thinks The Mole People (2 stars) is better than John Carpenter's The Thing (1 1/2 stars). Along with Kubrick's The Shining, Carpenter's The Thing is one of the scariest movies ever made, actually scarier each time you see it, scary precisely because what is revealed about human nature is so repugnant. Current computer graphics are capable of delivering any horror imaginable, but at the time, Carpenter was quite rightly proud of The Thing as being the only horror movie in which the monster didn't turn out to be a guy in a monster suit. Even Alien, as scary as it may be, is just a guy in an alien suit. Not so The Thing. The Thing is the most horrible and repulsive thing I've ever seen, and that's a GOOD thing. It's A HORROR FILM, for Christ sake, and what could be more horrible than to see a man's head pull itself off his body, grow spider legs, and go scurrying across the room. Completely and totally horrifying. A "non-stop parade of slimy, repulsive special effects," according to Maltin. Yep. That's why we're scared of it. To put down The Thing because the monster is too horrible makes no sense whatsoever. That's why it's one of the BEST horror films of all time, not one of the worst. The greatest moments in any horror film, the ones we wait for, the entire reason we go to them, are the moments when we're glad we're not there, when we want to scream to the characters "Oh shit, get the hell out! You're dead! Get moving! It's right behind you!" These scenes get our adrenaline pumping like no others in the world of the cinematic thrill ride, and The Thing has the king of them all. As in The Shining, all the characters are trapped in a building in the middle of nowhere with no possibility of escape. The Thing can change itself into any shape it wants. They are all in one room and they know one of them is The Thing and they've got to find out which one before it kills them all. It's like Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians from hell. They devise a little test. All the suspects are tied to their chairs so they can't escape. They figure that every cell of The Thing is the equivalent of The Thing itself, so they each give a little blood and jab it with a hot poker, knowing The Thing's blood will react differently. It does. It turns into The Thing while the suspects are still tied to their chairs, unable to escape while this hideous killer THING grows and grows into a Boschian nightmare. Possibly the single scariest scene in any movie ever made. In the end, there's only one human left. Talk about pessimism. The Thing leaves us with a moral quandary in which the only solution, the only way to save mankind from a horrible fate, is suicide. Aside from its nihilism and total lack of a happy ending, The Thing is the quintessential film NOT to show to your kids before bedtime, which is another reason Maltin must hate it. I'd give it 4 stars. Maltin should give it at least 3. Maltin must be the only person on earth who thinks Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (2 stars) is better than Blade Runner (1 1/2 stars). I don't care how much you hate Blade Runner. You can hate it as much as I hate Gone with the Wind or Spike Lee must hate Birth of a Nation, but it is unquestionably one of the most influential movies ever made, not only influencing every subsequent futuristic film but the actual future itself. It's view of a multi-cultural crowded planet is THIS close to coming true. Sure, they're called replicants in the film, but the debate they stir is completely relevant to the current debate about cloning. What happens when mankind develops the ability to clone humans who are actually better than us? Blade Runner, that's what. For Maltin to complain that Blade Runner has "main characters with no appeal whatsoever" is simply nuts. The quest of the replicants to find their creator and ask him why they were given limited lifespans is one with which every human can identify. How more serious can a movie be than one that asks "why do we die?" We might not identify with the replicant's methods or lifestyle, but how can we not identify with their quest for a longer life? The scene in which a replicant doesn't get the answer he wants and proceeds to kill his creator, with a brilliant performance by Rutger Hauer, is one of the most profound in cinema. Other than crappy movies that have no meaning whatsoever, there are basically only two kinds of films: those that say life is worth living, that everything will work out in the end, that man is, by nature, good (Frank Capra, Steven Spielberg, et al.), and those that say life is a bowl of crap, that nothing works out in the end, that man is, by nature, self-destructive (Stanley Kubrick, Ridley Scott, et al.). Whichever of these philosophies you find most like your own, in the objective world, they have nothing to do with whether a film is good or bad. There are lousy movies full of optimism and brilliant movies full of pessimism. Maltin hates the latter and lets it cloud his objectivity. (Not always. Clockwork Orange has the most pessimistic view of mankind imaginable and he gives it the stars it deserves.) Maltin's supposed to be devoted to artistry. There is absolutely no excuse for giving Blade Runner such a low grade. It's 4 stars all the way. Personal note: When I was charged with contempt of court for allowing CBS to make a movie about my life, Leonard Maltin wrote a personal letter to the judge defending me, so everything I've said here is with the utmost love and respect. Special Personal Bonus Story about Maltin & Me When you get into the WGA (Writer's Guild of America), the first thing you do is attend a monthly orientation meeting for all new members. I was given a date and a time to be there, I showed up, and there was no one in the room. I asked somebody wandering by where the orientation meeting was and they gave me a different room number. I went to the room, opened the door, and sat down. There was a long oval table surrounded by about 12 people. Hmmm, small turnout. They started talking serious WGA matters, like how to publicize the opening of the new building and what famous artist to hire to decorate the outside. Within minutes I realized this couldn't possibly be a meeting of new members. This was serious, high-level shit. At some convenient lull in the conversation, I said "This isn't the orientation meeting for new members, is it?" I was told the orientation meeting was tomorrow, I got the date wrong, this was a meeting of the all-powerful Media Relations Committee, that all committee meetings were open to the membership, and I was welcome to just hang out. They started talking about the problem of publicizing the work of the writers and how to get them more awards. "I have an idea about that," I said. I was told to keep my mouth shut, that though I was invited to ATTEND the meeting, I was not welcome to join in the discussion. I was not an actual MEMBER of the all-powerful Media Relations Committee, so my comments were not welcome. I continued to sit there as they discussed the sad plight of the screenwriter and the horrible consequences of the auteur theory of filmmaking that gives all credit to the director. They hated the "Film by" credit accorded to directors who didn't write the film, the idea being that if Ridley Scott were conducting a performance of Beethoven's Ninth, the publicity wouldn't read "A Symphony by Ridley Scott," so how come every performance of a script by Ridley Scott is called "A Film by Ridley Scott?" The were in the midst of discussions with the DGA (Director's Guild of America) to change it, but it was obviously a fat chance. It would take a pretty goddam decent human being to give up a mandatory credit that might not be deserved, and Hollywood film directors don't have a reputation for being magnanimous. They went on to discuss other ways to give the writers the respect they deserved. One manifestation of the problem was Leonard Maltin's hugely popular film guide, which insisted on naming the director of every single film while barely ever mentioning the writer. The back of the book listed every director and their films with no similar list for writers. "Excuse me," I said. "Shut up," I was told. Finally the meeting was drawing to a close, so I stood up and went to the door while everyone was still sitting down. "I've got to go," I said. "Now that the meeting's over, can I just say a couple things." I was finally given permission to speak. They all looked up. "I'm a member of the Los Angeles Film Critic's Association. Last year some publicist actually sent every member of the association a copy of a script, and just by coincidence, we happened to give that film the award for Best Screenplay. So I've got to say that if you want your screenplay to win an award, send the goddam thing to the voters and actually let them read it." "Also, there happens to be a meeting of LAFCA tomorrow at the President's house. Since I'm going to be in his living room, would you like me to ask Leonard Maltin why he doesn't list writers in his book?" It was like that shot of the audience in The Producers right after the Springtime for Hitler number. Dazed faces, wide eyes, a bunch of jaw drops. The guy in the back whom they'd been telling to shut up had the answer to all their problems. "Sure, go ahead," someone said, giving me their card to call them back before I walked out. That was a moment. Going to LAFCA meetings was a trip because they always took place at a member's house, usually the President's, and the houses were always amazingly nice. Charles Champlin lived in Bel Air, Jorge Camara had one of those incredible Hollywood hillside cliffhangers, and Maltin had a giant suburban manor in the valley. Here I was, a professional critic grinding out paragraph after paragraph about the latest releases and barely able to make the rent on my squalid little bungalow, going to the abode of a millionaire who did the exact same thing I did. It was inspiring to see the possible outcome of my pitiful career. I loved Maltin's place and always brought my kids along to play with his kids during the meetings. The house was full of incredible knick-knacks from film history, and you could easily spend a day just going through his Disney memorabilia. Before the meeting started, I asked him about putting writers in his book. He said he understood and was on our side completely. He'd love to list writers in the book. The problem was purely physical. "We're talking about the thickest paperback book ever produced," he told me. "It physically can't get any larger. The binding wouldn't hold. Every year we have to take things out in order to add things. The fight for space is so tight that right now we're going through it trying to get rid of widows and orphans." (Widows and orphans are those untidy single words that take up a whole line) He told me he'd do the best he could, and that he always mentioned the writer when they won the academy award. I reported back to the Media Relations Committee who were pleased. This year they achieved a balance with the directors of sorts. Maltin didn't add a list of writers to the back of his book. He took out the list of directors. Apology Last week's quote concerning "our deepest fear" was incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela, not only by me but all over the net. It is, in fact, by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles. Nelson Mandela's actual inauguration address is here. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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