���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Welcome to a really short week at Purehumour...today and tomorrow are the only issues that will be coming out due to the long weekend and the fact that this coming weekend I have plans that will take me away from my computer all weekend. Today's issue introduces a couple of new features..."Dusting Off The Archives" gives you the opportunity to look back in time in the develop- ment of Purehumour....stepping back over the past 3 1/2 years of funnies so that you can see what was funny on this day in the past. I have to thank my good friend Anni for this suggestion! Another new feature is called "Dumb Crook Of The Day Award" and it is just that... I have featured "Dumb Crooks" in the past...but now they have their own space in Purehumour...I hope you enjoy both of these new features...please check out them archives....I think we can get the numbers way up! On Friday I published an article about the pending baseball strike which allowed you to help by sending money to your favourite base- ball player...it must have worked because less than an hour after sending Purehumour...the strike was averted...oh the power of Purehumour always amazes me! ;) In memory of the victims of September 11th...Purehumour will be taking a break next week and will not publish. There will be a special edition of Purehumour on September 11th to mark the day. Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Jack, SunAmy, Stan, Wayne, Ron, Laura, Barb, Pat. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What's the difference between a Russian whore and her mother? About $12.00 ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� NASA Dropouts.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.986 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.986 Dad - the nervous wreck... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.985 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.985 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Get the 48 Hour Miracle Diet Plan that everyone is talking about for FREE!!!! http://www.helpudiet.com <a href="http://www.helpudiet.com";> get diet here </a> You can lose up to 10 pounds in 48 hours! It's taste is superior to the 'other' guys! USE it! and LOSE it! http://www.helpudiet.com <a href="http://www.helpudiet.com";> get diet here </a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation! "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself. "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1942 Ray Floyd Fort Bragg NC, PGA golfer (Masters 1976) 1943 Giuseppi Gentile Italy, triple jumper (Olympic-bronze-1968) 1944 Jennifer Salt LA Calif, actress (Sisters, Soap, Wedding Party) 1947 Alan Greisman Sally Field's husband/producer (Fletch, Surrender) 1949 Tom Watson KC Mo, PGA golfer (British Open 1975,77,80,82) 1951 Judith Ivey El Paso Texas, actress (Lady in Red, Hello Again) 1953 Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs NYC, actor (Freddie-Welcome Back Kotter) 1959 Armin Kogler Austria, skier (2-time winner of jumping World Cup) 1959 William Kennedy Smith Kennedy accused of rape in Florida (1991) 1960 Peter Virgile soap actor 1965 Terri Lynn Doss Chicago Ill, playmate (Jul, 1988) 1966 Debra Lewin South Burlington Vermont, Miss Vermont-America (1991) 1968 John Preston Utah, actor (Greg-General Hospital) 1970 Ione Skye (Leitch) Hertfordshire England, actress (Say Anything) 1970 Jennifer Nakken Cedar City Utah, Miss Utah-America (1991) 1972 Danny Ponce Waltham Mass, actor (Willie-Valerie/Hogan Family) 1972 Merald Knight Atlanta Ga, singer (Gladys Knights & Pips) 2179 Nyota Uhura Nairobi Kenya, communications officer (Star Trek) .....and on this day in history: 1950 1st helicopter rescue of American pilot behind enemy lines 1950 D McI Hodgson of St Ann Bay, Nova Scotia catches a 997 lb tuna 1951 1st transcontinental TV broadcast, by Pres Truman 1951 NBC extends to become a 61 station coast-to-coast network 1953 Yanks become 1st team to win 5 consecutive championships 1954 1st passage of McClure Strait, fabled Northwest Passage completed 1954 Peter B Cortese of the US achieves a one-arm deadlift of 370 lbs; 22 lbs over triple his body weight, at York, Pennsylvania 1957 Ford Motor Co introduces the Edsel 1961 US authorizes Agency for International Development 1962 Beatles record "How Do You Do It" 1964 Forth Road Bridge opens in England over the "Firth of Forth" 1964 NASA launches its 1st Orbital Geophysical Observatory (OGO-1) 1965 Beatles' "Help!," single goes #1 & stays #1 for 3 weeks 1966 Houston Oilers holds Denver Broncos to no 1st downs winning 45-7 1967 6.5 earthquake of Kolya Dam India, kills 200 1970 George Harrison releases "My Sweet Lord" single 1971 Alaskan 727 crashes into Chilkoot Mountain, kills 109 (Alaska) 1972 US swimmer Mark Spitz becomes 1st athlete to win 7 olympic gold medals 1978 NY Yankee pitcher Ron Guidry wins his 20th (on way to 25-3 season) 1981 Longest game at Fenway Park completed in 20, Mariners-8, Red Sox-7 1981 Newscaster David Brinkley is released by NBC 1981 Seattle Mariners beat Boston Red Sox, 8-7, in 20 inn (started 9/3) 1983 Greg LeMond becomes only American to win cycling's Road Championship 1983 Scott Michael Pellaton sets barefoot waterski speed rec (119.36 mph) 1985 Igor Paklin of the USSR set a new high jump world record at 7-11 12 1985 NY Mets Gary Carter's 2 HRs ties record of 5 HRs in 2 games 1986 189.42 million shares traded in NY Stock Exchange 1988 Mike Tyson crashes a silver BMW into a tree near Catskills NY 1988 Phoenix Cardinals play 1st regular-season NFL game 1990 Jerry Lewis' 25th Muscular Dystrophy telethon raises $44,172,186 1991 Rte 35 Theater in Hazlit, the last drive-in NJ, closes �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The wise salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Raise the dust! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Making miracles is hard work; most people give up before they happen." -Sheryl Crow ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Patriotic Babes <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/004.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/004.htm Truthful Scale <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/005.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/005.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles." The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren"t any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don"t go for that shit." The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles." The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don"t go for that shit". The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time He's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone,keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town." Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says, "OK send the Chinaman up." The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don"t go for that shit either." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Evidence hunting... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.984 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.984 One sure way... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.983 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.983 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Dear Sirs, I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 in the Accident Report Form I put "Lost Presence-of-Mind" as the cause of my accident. You asked in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.... I am a bricklayer, by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I discovered I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel, using a pully, which fortunately was attached to the building at the 6th floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went to the ground floor, untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form, that I weigh 145 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence-of-mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a high rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming down--this explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.... Slowed, only so slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pully. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence-of-mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope inspite of my increasing pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottem fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 3, and as you might imagine--I began a rapid decent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, yes, I met the barrel coming up, this accounts for the 2 fractured ankles, and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.... The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.... I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me, I again lost my presence-of-mind, and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope--so it came down on me and broke both my legs.... I trust I have furnished you the information you require as to how this accident occurred ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Why dogs cant use computers! #10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse. #9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. #8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. #7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome. #6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working. #5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. #4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail". #3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits. #2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms. #1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� There are only two things to do if you have a nervous breakdown. Go away for a long rest in the country OR get a job on Wall Street where it won't be noticed. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Oceans cover 71 percent of the earth, which specific ocean covers more of the earth's surface (32.4 percent) than all of the earth's entire land area? A. The Pacific. B. The Atlantic. C. The Indian. D. The Artic. --- What is a nautical camel? A. Fuel tank. B. Float used as a fender. C. Water tank. D. Double-skinned hull with air pockets. <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Is one of these answers not a true collective description of a bird group? D. A clowder of quail --- Where did the name "whiteface" originate? B. Performers dabbed their faces with flour � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Superman IS Different <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/41.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/41.html Jihad This <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/017.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/017.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> This one is for all of you who either: a) have kids b) had kids who have now grown, c) was a kid d) know a kid! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! September 4th 1999: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m287.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m287.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� This morning I heard a public service announcement on the radio "August is National Breastfeeding Awareness month. Such'n'so organization will hold a demonstration this morning on the steps of the state capitol." I'm sure they'll have a pretty good turn out. I wish I had a nipple for every pun this story inspires. We're probably Infamil-lions of 'em. Even though it seems like areola-y good topic, it might just suck. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Big Jugs <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj8.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj8.htm Jizzy Lube <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj9.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj9.htm Kathy Lee <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj10.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj10.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself, because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" He is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it was too big to be mine, -so I put it back!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Nice Bra <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/018.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/018.html 9/11 Related Divorce <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/div911.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/div911.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Singapore theatre group has been ordered to withdraw brochures featuring a naked woman with a cut watermelon between her thighs. The flyers for an adult-themed play have received complaints from members of the public. About 5,000 brochures advertising the "Fireface" were distributed at the Singapore Art Museum and at discos. A few days later, Chia's Toy Factory Theater Ensemble was informed by Singapore's Film and Publications Department that the brochures had to be withdrawn "as soon as possible" because there had been complaints about them from the public, Chia said. The brochures contain five photographs of the play's cast members in provocative poses, accompanied by four doodles of breasts, faces and genitalia, said Beatrice Chia, the play's 28-year-old director. Singapore's government is known for its strict social controls and censorship. Plays with sexual or violent content are slapped with a "restricted artistic" or R(A) rating, which prohibits children under 18 from viewing them. The flyers were intentionally graphic in keeping with the play's themes of dysfunctional families, incest, pyromania and necrophilia, said Chia. Chia, who is also an actress, said she thought she had the right to display her brochures since they did not contain frontal nudity. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two guys went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by a bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?". The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to *brace* yourself!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] M O O N T A L K [||||] Michael Jackson assures doubting Thomases that his new prog, Prince Michael II, was conceived "in the natural way." (Oregonian) Which in Jackospeak means an exchange of bodily fluids with a space alien. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Zap!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.982 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.982 Theology Problem <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.981 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.981 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� Detectives were left in stitches by security camera film of a robbery by two teenagers who forgot to cut eyeholes in their masks. Officers watched in astonishment as the pair repeatedly bumped into one another, demanded money from a shop wall, and failed to notice their newsagent victim calling police. Lawyers at York crown court were convulsed in their turn as details emerged of how Thomas Rathbone, 18, and a 17- year-old who cannot be named for legal reasons, crashed into the shop counter. Finally, in frustration, they made the cardinal mistake of pulling off their masks to get their bearings in front of the security camera. The pair admitted charges of robbery in York, in July. The court heard on Monday that they had succeeded only in stealing three packets of cigarettes. Rathbone, of York, was sent to a young offender's institution for a year, and the other youth was given a year's detention and training order. A spokesman for North Yorkshire police, who may find the video hard to resist as a Christmas party item, said: "They must have been the dumbest raiders in the world. The video is more of a farce than a hold-up." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do a farmer and a pimp have in common? Both need a hoe to stay in business ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today! ISSUE #18 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Good Idea of the Week How about a ban on political advertising on 9/11? http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/editorials/stories/082802dnedinationalbreather.59a0a.html Historical Debunk of the Week We've got free speech as long as we're not in public when Bush is around. Here's footage of the protest in Portland that didn't get shown on national television, from Cascadia Media Collective, Guerrilla Media from Eugene, Oregon. http://www.sf.indymedia.org/uploads/bushpdx.ram The Scariest Site of the Week The History of Michael Jackson's Face http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html Scumbags of the Week Egypt's delegation at the World Summit on Sustainable Development in Johannesburg has said that it opposes the agreement between Israel and Jordan to build an $800 million pipeline to rescue the shrinking Dead Sea because it goes against Arab League resolutions banning co-operation between Israel and Arab states. Video of the Week Here's a video to Pink Floyd's Money that's probably not what they had in mind. http://www.blah3.com/money.html Joke from Planet Proctor Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking, there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Berle. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Caine asks. Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it." One Reason Not to Worry Over the Death of Linda Lovelace http://www.swordswallow.com/ No, Really, I Didn't Make This Up Maniacs Bouncing on their Butts for Peace Maharishi Mahesh Yogi's plan goes like this: He will build 3,000 "Peace Palaces" around the world, including one somewhere near Washington. In each palace, hundreds of his followers will be engaged full time in "yogic flying" -- an advanced version of Transcendental Meditation in which the meditators sort of hop around the room while sitting cross-legged. This practice, he says, sends out powerful positive vibrations that reduce stress, crime and violence. With hundreds of people doing yogic flying in 3,000 different places, peace will break out all over. False Values of the Week P. Diddy sent a list of rules to everybody attending his recent party. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/puffymtv.html Time Waster of the Week See if you can stop playing this game before getting to level 25. http://www.miniclip.com/acno/acno.htm But Cocaine is Illegal Starbucks has 4,479 locations in North America, opening three or four stores a day, including 147 different locations in Washington D.C. alone. The Male Rules From Patty Paul 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. Insane E-Mail of the Week "I have always wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are both controlled by the Illuminati and the Changelings, why are they so different in their beliefs and attitudes? Then I began to realize that when Clinton and the Democrats were in control, it was the Betelgeuse Changelings that I had always been dealing with. But now that Bush was in office and the Republicans were in control, all of a sudden the Bellatrix Changelings come to the forefront. Then I was thinking how the Democrats are considered to be the "Left" of the political spectrum, and the Republicans are considered to be the "Right". Well, take a look at Orion some night. Betelgeuse and Bellatrix are the two brightest stars at the top of Orion, and guess what? Betelgeuse is on the Left, and Bellatrix is on the Right. Coincidence? I doubt it." - name left off for good reason - OBL Watch Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 351. Dear Dr. Hollywood, So what's the problem with offering for sale ''edited for television'' versions of movies like these guys are doing? It's not ''banning'' or ''book burning'' the ''director's vision'' of what the film should be. Dan Dear Dan, I think those people are insane and that their entire premise is bankrupt. They are so wrong in every way that it's hard to know where to start in explaining why they should have their eyes gouged out with a fork. Let's take their statement "We think a jury will want to agree with us that you shouldn't be required to watch what you find objectionable." Who the fuck is "requiring" that anyone watch anything? There's already a ratings system, imperfect though it may be, that tells viewers whether a film is okay for children. Anyone who wants to protect their children from objectionable language or violence or nudity need simply show them films rated G or PG. There. Problem solved. They're solving a problem that doesn't exist. Anybody who wants to show their children a version of Taxi Driver with all the violence removed or American Pie with all the sex removed is insane. Let's take Amistad, a brilliant Steven Spielberg film rated R for violence and nudity. I would assume these mental midgets have excised the violence and nudity, making the film more child friendly. Amistad is a fantastic history lesson that every parent should show to their children. I've shown it to mine, despite the R rating, and yes indeed there's a scene in it with violence and nudity that shocked the hell out of them, and me too. It's the most horrifying scene I've ever seen in a movie. Slave traders discover they haven't got enough food for their human cargo, so they decide to dispose of them. Dozens of beautiful black naked human beings are chained to a weight and simply thrown overboard. There's an absolutely unforgettable shot from the bottom of the ocean, looking up at a chain of naked people sinking to their death. I was horrified. My children were horrified. Need I point out that the point of the scene was to horrify us? They turned to me and said "Dad, did this really happen?" I said "Yes" and I didn't have to explain any further. They weren't horrified by THE NUDITY. They were horrified by MAN'S INHUMANITY TO MAN. A pretty goddam important lesson, one I felt obligated to teach my children, despite the fact they saw some tits. Wanna bet that's the scene these ignorant assholes cut out of the picture? What exactly are they protecting their children from? Nudity? They can go fuck themselves. The naked human being is beautiful. (Generally speaking. Please don't send me naked pictures of Pavarotti.) I just saw the sanitized version of Last Summer, a film about two teenage boys who are driven so mad with lust over the sight of Barbara Hershey's breasts that they rape Cathy Burns. Guess what was left out of the picture, even though it was supposedly uncut on satellite TV? That's right, Barbara Hershey's breasts. Hurray, now kids can watch Last Summer without being exposed to the magnificence of Barbara Hershey's teenage torso while seeing a film that pretty much makes no sense. Anybody who thinks it's okay for children to see a rape but bad for them to see breasts is insane. There's no reason to sanitize Last Summer. It's an adult film in the best sense of the word, a serious film about sex that's meant for adults. To sanitize it for children destroys the picture. There are sex comedies full of vulgar jokes and serious movies that explore the depths of human sexuality. Both are unquestionably not for children. Need I point out the obvious solution? Leave them alone and DON'T SHOW THEM TO CHILDREN. There are films that exploit violence, making it fun to watch, and others, like Saving Private Ryan, that deliberately show us the actual result of violence, showing that it most certainly is NOT fun. Cutting all the most violent shots out of the opening of Saving Private Ryan changes it to a film that makes it fun to watch instead of one that turns us AGAINST violence by proving how horrifying it really is. They're changing the point of the picture. Anybody who thinks Saving Private Ryan would be better with the ultra-violence removed is an idiot. These are the same cretins who don't want their kids to see Michelangelo's David unless his dick is covered with a fig leaf. Someone should hijack a plane and crash it into their corporate offices. Good riddance. Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? September 2, 2002 BABY ASPIRIN FROM HELL Bayer was found responsible for poisoning children in Peru. http://www.panna.org/resources/panups/panup_20020830.dv.html QUIZ FROM HELL Questions for George W. Bush... Are you absolutely certain that Osama bin Laden does not already have a weapon of mass destruction hidden somewhere in the United States? If he does have a weapon of mass destruction hidden somewhere in the United States, isn't it possible he's just waiting for the right excuse to set it off? Wouldn't the U.S. invading Iraq give him just the motivation he's looking for? If we invade Iraq strictly on your say-so, and bin Laden sets off a weapon of mass destruction in the United States in retaliation, wouldn't the loss of American life be your fault? Are you an idiot? TOYS FROM HELL Mattel Toys is now selling personal vibrators to children. (read the customer's comments) http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005NEBW/ref=ase_teacher1stop-20/104-1079557-4146357 CONTRADICTION FROM HELL They ate lobsters, caviar and brandy at the summit on starvation. http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2002391624,00.html HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL Larry King explains the use of the word fuck. http://www.fuck.addr.com/news/word/larry.html SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW To get crayon marks off walls, just use a hairdryer to heat them up, then wipe them off with a paper towel. SHAKESPEARE FROM HELL Hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin' daddies, Knock me your lobes, I came to lay Caesar out, Not to hip you to him. The bad jazz that a cat blows, Wails long after he's cut out. The groovy is often stashed with their frames, So don't put Caesar down. The swinging Brutus hath laid a story on you That Caesar was hungry for power. If it were so, it was a sad drag, And sadly hath the Caesar cat answered it. Here with a pass from Brutus and the other brass, For Brutus is a worthy stud, Yea, so are they all worthy studs, Though their stallions never sleep. I came to wail at Caesar's wake. He was my buddy, and he leveled with me. Yet Brutus digs that he has eyes for power, And Brutus is a solid cat... - Lord Buckley - QUOTES FROM HELL "I haven't got a dream that hasn't been repossessed." - Bob Dylan, Bye and Bye - "If the government creates any regulations to oppress its people than it has no right to legislate." - James Madison - "You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money." - P.J. O'Rourke - "There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle." - Alexis de Tocqueville - "It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving." - Mother Theresa - "The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice." - Anonymous - "If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well." - Martin Luther King Jr. - "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein - "If a politician found out that he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner." - H. L. Mencken - By objective standards, the leading managers of the U.S. economy are collectively, clinically insane." - Lyndon LaRouche - "He's rash. He's a destroyer of the world. When we create higher consciousness, he'll be out." - Maharishi Mahesh Yogi on GWB - "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry - "Bovine." - George W. Bush upon passing a herd of cattle on a jog - Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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