[Purehumour] Thursdays Stuff

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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The countdown is on...the big guy in the red suit will be making his annual
rounds in 12 days. Have you been good or bad? And if you have been bad...
have you been REAL bad? ;) Sometimes being bad is good and being good
is bad...its so hard to figure it all out...I guess the best way is if your significant
other is being bad too...then you must be good! Confused? Me too...now you
know what Santa goes through each year!

Don't forget: Judy's Giftshop: <a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>
12 Days of Sexmas: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/sexmas.html ">Click</a>

Today's issue includes contributions by: George, Rubin, Keli, Kay, SunAmy,
Colorado Kid.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Little Johnny asked his Aunt Wendy how old she was.
...."39 and holding," replied Auntie Wendy.

Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "And
how old would you be if you let go?"

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

(To the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands")

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And North Korean 'scuds' are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is! showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying "no" would look like treason.
It's the Saddam hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Amal Silva cricketer (Sri Lankan wicket-keeper in 9 Tests 1983-88)
1960 Jaap van Sweden Dutch violinist/concert master
1961 Dale Sanderson CFL guard (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1962 Holly Gagnier Los Angeles CA, actress (One Life to Live)
1962 Nadeem Ghauri cricketer (bowled in Test for Pakistan vs Australia 1990)
1962 Ray Brown NFL guard (Washington Redskins, San Francisco 49ers)
1962 Tracy Austin Rolling Hills CA, tennis pro (US Open 1979, 81)
1963 Teresa Blake Tuscaloosa AL, actress (Gloria Marsh-All My Children)
1964 Rockin' Jeff rocker (The Pasadenas-Riding on a Train)
1964 Haywood Jeffires NFL wide receiver (Houston Oilers)
1965 Laurie Grover-Tavares Newark NJ, biathlete (Olympics-1994)
1966 Cheryl Dickey Houston TX, 100 meter hurdler
1966 Jim Sandlak Kitchener, NHL right wing (Vancouver Canucks)
1967 David Szott NFL guard (Kansas City Chiefs)
1967 John Randle NFL defensive tackle (Minnesota Vikings)
1967 Masood Anwar cricketer (one Test Pakistan vs West Indies 1990)
1968 Tatianna Philadelphia PA, Spanish singer (Baile Commigo, Chicad de Hoy)
1968 Chris Walsh NFL wide receiver (Minnesota Vikings)
1968 Kurt Schulz safety (Buffalo Bills)
1968 Laurie Williams cricketer (West Indian ODI all-rounder vs New Zealand 1996)
1968 Ray Ethridge wide receiver (Baltimore Ravens)
1969 Carrie Westcott Mission Hills KS, playmate (September 1993)
1969 Courtney Hawkins NFL wide receiver (Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Pittsburgh Steelers)
1969 Doug Terry NFL/WLAF safety (Kansas City Chiefs, Scotland Claymores)
1969 Frank Dikstaal soccer player (MVV)
1969 Jane Robinson Australian rower (Olympics-96)
1969 Kris Wirtz Red Deer Alberta, ice pairs (1994 Skate Canada)
1969 Sebastian Savage WLAF cornerback (Rhein Fire)
1970 Jennifer Connelly Brooklyn Heights NY, actress (Labyrinth, Rocketeer)
1970 Ivano Newbill NBA center (Vancouver Grizzlies)
1970 Madchen Amick Reno NV, actress (Shelly Johnson-Twin Peaks)
1970 Orlando Brown NFL tackle (Cleveland Browns, Baltimore Ravens)
1971 Becky Sunshine [Rebekah Jayne Hunter] Arkansas, Miss Nude California (1993)
1971 John Sacca WLAF quarterback (Amsterdam Admirals)
1971 Tito Wooten NFL safety (New York Giants)
1971 Toni Hodgkinson Auckland New Zealand, 800 meter (Olympics-96)
1972 Missy Francis Los Angeles CA, actress (Little House on the Prairie)
1972 Greg Randolph Denver CO, road cyclist (Olympics-74th-96)
1972 Jamal Willis NFL running back (San Francisco 49ers)
1972 John Walsh NFL quarterback (Cincinnati Bengals)
1972 Kara Williams Miss Texas USA (1996)
1972 Oliver Quass WLAF kicker (Amsterdam Admirals)
1973 Reinard Wilson linebacker (Cincinnati Bengals)
1973 Stanley Pritchett running back (Miami Dolphins)
1975 Mayim Winkelman Bialik San Diego CA, actress (Blossom, Beaches)
1977 Bridget Hall Dallas TX, model (Ford)
1978 Derrick Delmore Camp Springs MD, figure skater (1996 Grand Prix champion)

.....and on this day in history:

1961 Ham radio satellite Oscar 1 launched with military Discoverer 36
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 Frank Sinatra Jr returned after being kidnapped
1964 Shooting starts for "Star Trek" pilot, "The Cage" (Menagerie)
1965 Beatles last Great Britain concert (Capitol Theatre in Cardiff Wales)
1966 US Supreme Courts votes 4-3 allowing Braves to move to Atlanta
1967 US launches Pioneer 8 into solar orbit
1968 Arthur Ashe becomes 1st black to be ranked #1 in tennis
1969 Bomb attack on bank in Milan, 14 killed
1970 USSR performs underground nuclear test
1973 Canada begins selling Olympic coins ($5 & $10 silver coins)
1975 Sara Jane Moore pled guilty to trying to kill President Gerald Ford
1976 QB Joe Namath's last game as a New York Jet
1977 Yankees purchase Andy Messersmith from Braves
1979 Gold hits record $462.50 an ounce
1980 US's copyright law amended to include computer programs
1981 Wayne Gretsky scores quickest 50th goal (game 39)
1982 $9,800,000 in cash stolen from money transport car in New York NY
1983 A truck bomb explodes at the US Embassy in Kuwait
1985 248 US soldiers & 8 crew members die in Arrow Air DC-8 charter crash (Gander, Newfoundland)
1986 Microlite aircraft circles world non-stop
1987 Rollermania at Madison Square Garden, Eastern Express beats Midwest Pioneers
1988 Sandra Miller of Queens sues Mike Tyson for sexual harassment
1990 US accuses Iraq of dragging its feet on dates for talks
1992 6.8-7.5 earthquake strikes Flores Island (tsunami kills 3,000)
1995 Amendment to make it illegal to physically desecrate the flag turned down by senate 63-36 (need 2/3 vote)
1995 CBC announces Radio Canada International service to end on March 31
1996 Assassination attempt on Uday (Iraqi's heir to Sadam Hussain)
1997 Carlos the Jackal, "professional revolutionary" goes on trial in Paris

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Well, we've all been there - both the guys and the gals, and today it's
even more confusing than ever. So here is a little guide to help you
out.

1. If you ask a girl to have sex with her and she says "definitely not,"
she really means "NO."

2. If she says "NO," then you have to do better, and then maybe, but
make sure you ask again before going to far and then Go back to number
#1 and start again. (kinda like Monopoly "Go back to GO - Do do collect
$200).

3. If she says "MAYBE", she means "YES", but you have to really
encourage her along the way. But don't do anything stupid such as
rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the MAYBE to a DEFINITE
NO, which neither of you really want.

4. If she says "YES", she's probably not worth it.

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

Our greatest natural resource is the minds of our children.
- Walt Disney

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Classic]

A bunch of guys were sitting around a bar talking about things
they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says,
"Hey guys, I want some of that action!"

The bartender says; "Oh Yeah! What do you wanna bet on?"

Woman: "Most anything."

Bartender: "Like what for instance?"

Woman: "See that wall over their? I bet I can pee
higher on that wall than you can!"

Bartender: (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll
take that bet! How much do you want to wager?"

Woman: "You name your poison."

Bartender: "I'll bet you a hundred dollars."

Woman: "Ok!"

Bartender: "Ladies first."

The woman pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties,
leans back and pees.

"Your turn," she replies.

The bartender can hardly hold back his laughter as he looks
at the mark on the wall just inches above the floor. He unzips
his pants gets his sure fire $100 tool out and gets ready to
pee.

The woman takes a look at him and shouts, "Hey... NO HANDS!"

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips"
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard"
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours
alone with Cindy Crawford
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

When was the first attempt made to construct a tunnel beneath the English Channel?

A. 17th Century
B. 18th Century
C. 19th Century
D. 20th Century

<Answers in Next Issue!>

08/12

Last Issue's Answers:

Where did Texas get the nickname The Lone Star State?

C. The single-star flag was the symbol of the independent republic of Texas

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Superman IS Different
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Is Your Girlfriend Uglier Than. . .?
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

Greg asks Buzz to go with him for a drink.

Buzz replies, "Sorry Greg, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up
a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."

"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Greg said.

"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Buzz. "I told her to let
me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to
suck on."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

December 12th 2001:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m773.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m773.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

I was working in an insurance office when a prospective client asked for
a quote on business-liability coverage. When I found out the client
owned and operated a nude- dancer's club, I checked on whether we'd
cover such an establishment. An underwriter declined the risk,
explaining in a memo, "Too much exposure."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

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���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------���

Nothing impairs driving judgment like that powdery
white stuff. Just a little bit of that goes a long
way toward inducing accidents and turning even normal,
level-headed drivers into menaces on the highway.

You know what I'm talking about.

Snow. (Just say no to snow.)

Living in the frozen tundra of Pennsylvania (derived from
Penn's icicles or Pennsicles), you would think that drivers
here would be accustomed to driving in snow and ice.

Au contraire. (That's French for "oh contraire," the
national anthem of Contraire.) Rather, these individuals,
who have driven through snow since they first got their
license, become like teens on their first day of driver's
education when even just a dusting of white flakes is on
the ground.

The sight of the beautiful snow falling softly to the ground,
and the picturesque winter wonderland scene make them forget
everything they know about driving. Even the little details
are forgotten, like the fact that ice is slippery, especially
when wet. You can't stop as quickly or turn as sharply on
snow.

Maybe they think it will be different this time. Maybe the
cold has just numbed their brains. Maybe they were never really
good drivers to begin with.

� 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact.
He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact
that every female over the age of 16 in his town has
been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in
hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He
raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until
marrying age. After many years she finally reaches
maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and
marries her. After the wedding they make their way
back to his house and into the bedroom where they
both prepare themselves for the consummation. They
lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for
a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly," she asks him?

"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the
act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like
the monks did?!"

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was
sporting a blackeye. She asked him what happened.

He replied, "Ma'm, you remember I told you how I
sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well,
last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake,
I said yes and the he punched me in the face".

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help,
"the next time your dad asks you if you're still
awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend
to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little
Johnny came to class with another black eye.
The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her
advice.

Johnny explained, "Mam, I tried to, when dad asked
me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really
still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad
said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too',
and I didn't want them to go anywhere without
me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers,
I'm coming too!' and that's when my dad said,
"you little liar." and he punched me in the face."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A couple in California have won two lottery
jackpots on the same day.

Angelo and Maria Gallina from Belmont first
won $17 million in SuperLotto Plus.

One hour later they won a further $126,000
in another game.

The couple figure they have spent $124,000
over the years on lottery tickets.

Lottery officials said the odds of their winning
the two jackpots on the same day were 1 in 24
trillion, reports the San Francisco Chronicle.

Angelo Gallina, a 78-year-old retired railway
employee says he has bought $20 worth of lottery
tickets every day since the lottery started in
1985.

For the SuperLotto Plus drawings, he and his 65-
year-old wife choose their numbers by shaking a
plastic gadget they purchased years ago at a
local drugstore. The gadget is full of tiny
numbered balls that fall into slots, providing
lottery players with lucky numbers to bet on.

The Gallinas say they hope all the money will not
change their lives, except to make it easier to
buy more lottery tickets.

They also hope it will not generate the sudden
appearance of long-lost relatives and best
friends.

"We won't tell anybody, and maybe they won't find
out," said Angelo.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A farmer was sitting at the table while his
wife was preparing dinner. His wife dropped
a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she
bent over the farmer said "Honey,your butt is
as big as a combine".

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking
with no comment to her husband. As she put the
dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker
on the floor. While she was bent over picking it
up the farmer said, "Honey I take that back.
Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the
table and begins eating with no comment to her
husband. Later on that night after the couple
had gone to bed the farmer started feeling a
little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife
he noticed that there was no response on her
end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and
asked her what was wrong.

She replied; "Do you really think that I am
going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of
machinery for one little corn cob!!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] D E C K L e H A L L S [||||]

"France said it will provide added protection for shoppers and tourists
during the holiday season... " (USA/12/6)

Not from bomb-strapped Arabs -- from rich, arrogant Americans.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Evolution
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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

NEW PORT RICHEY -- A clerk at a Sunoco gas station
in New Port Richey, Florida foiled what appeared to
be a robbery attempt by laughing at the robber early
Tuesday morning, a Pasco County sheriff's report
said.

According to the report, the 41-year-old clerk told
deputies that she was working at 1 a.m. when a man
in a hooded sweat shirt came in -- unarmed -- and
demanded money from the register.

The woman said she took a look at him and laughed. She
was on the phone, she said, and told the man that she
was talking with the Sheriff's Office and that he
better run.

And so he did.

The clerk described the man as being in his late 20s,
standing about 5 feet 8 to 5 feet 10, with a thin
build.

She said he had brown eyes and wore a maroon, hooded
sweat shirt.

Deputies searched for the man but didn't find him.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

Sam was making out his Christmas list...
"Honey," he says to Anni his wife, "How do you
spell DVD?"

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke

Real Sex

When I began having sex at the young age of sixteen, I had no idea on earth
what I was doing. More so than any guy, I was just amazed I was able to
keep up at all. Still unwise to the female orgasm, I put on quite a
performance for many years. I didn't mean to deceive anyone. I just didn't
know what real sex for a woman could be like. So I faked it. Sometimes I
believe the guy liked it better when I faked it before I learned I could
have the cosmic must-have-every-time orgasm. This, of course, meant the guy
actually had to do some work. God forbid.

When I discovered the female orgasm, it was like tasting chocolate candy for
the first time in my life. I wanted to save all my money and head down to
the five and dime to get a piece every weekend. I never knew a woman could
feel THAT. It was so great I wondered if it was illegal. However, except
for the occasional public celebrity display arrests we've read about, I hadn't
heard of anyone going to jail for enjoying an orgasm. Apparently the law
is on our side concerning this issue.

As time went on I had fantasies, which were probably brought on by the big
'Tantra' movement, of really becoming ONE with my guy. He would feel
everything I was feeling, I would feel everything he was feeling and
somewhere in the middle we would inhabit each other's very soul.

These days, if I have an orgasm � fine, if I don't � fine. I still enjoy
sex but it's kind of like my favorite candy bar. I have to actually hand
pick the candy bar and then there's the whole business of unwrapping it and
then chewing. With so much physical labor involved, it doesn't bother me if
I go without chocolate for a day or ten. And then, even if it's only bite
size, that's OK. Sometimes a quick nibble is all you need. It satisfies
the craving and no one is over-exerted.

As a woman who is supposed to be in the peak of her sexuality, sometimes I
just feel peaked-out. It would be nice if, like a face-lift, we could have
an inner-lift. But somehow I don't think a nip and tuck will do the trick.
And as for the female version of Viagra, I'm too lazy to get up and go get
some.

So, at least these days, with work running out my ears, housework building
up underneath my toes and scurrying from east to west while my body seems to
be heading south, I feel like the little old lady from the medical alert
commercial.

I've fallen and I can't get up!

This is how I am feeling lately due to exhaustion. In a couple of weeks,
who knows? I may spring forward and have a Madonna moment. However, if
this happens, I'll be keeping that Hershey's Kiss all to myself and write
about something like...dog food. How much is too much?

I'm back, I'm tired, I've gained five pounds and, as far as I'm concerned,
I'd rather wear winter clothing a little while longer.

--

The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots!
If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in,
there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot!
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