���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> I know that we Canadians are occasionally a little behind ... so it should come as not surprise that The Osbournes just recently premiered on Canadian TV. I have heard all about the show and so I figured that I had to give it a try! BIG MISTAKE! I have never heard the word fuck so often in my life! Now I am most certainly NOT a prude...but I think the show is total crap....who the hell thought we would be interested in watching it? My TV will now avoid The Osbournes like the plague! In yesterday's issue...the "Its Not Punny" should have been attributed to Stan Kegal. Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, The Posens, Terri, Barb, Linda, Keli, Gene, Wayne, Ruth, Reisha. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Do your remember the Reagan Presidency? He doesn't! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The Birds, the Bees.. Amoeba?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.201 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.201 Why elephants are afraid... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.207 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.207 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Statistical Findings: 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place 36% of the women favour nudity 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes 46% of the women experienced anal sex 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1942 Kent McCord LA Calif, actor (Officer Jim Reed-Adam 12) 1945 Brian Ferry England, rocker (Roxy Music-Let's Stick Together) 1946 Mary Beth Hurt Iowa, actress (Garp, Change of Seasons) 1947 Graham Faulkner London, actor (Brother Sun Sister Moon) 1947 Lynn Anderson ND, country singer (I Never Promised you a Rose Garden) 1947 Richard Roth US, 400m swim medley (Olympic-gold-1964) 1948 Olivia Newton-John Cambridge England, singer (I Honestly Love You, Physical) 1948 Vladimir Remek 1st Czechoslovakian space traveler (in Soyuz 28) 1952 James Keane Buffalo NY, actor (Willis Bell-Paper Chase) 1956 Linda Hamilton Salisbury Md, actress (Catherine-Beauty & the Beast) 1962 Melissa Sue Anderson Cal, actress (Little House on the Prairie) 1962 Tracey Thorn rocker (Everything But the Girls) 1963 Lysette Anthony London, actress (Angelique-Dark Shadows, Switch) 1964 Ty Miller Granada Hills Calif, actor (The Kid-The Young Riders) 1967 Martha Nix Orange County Calif, actress (Serena-Waltons) 1972 Shann Stockman [Slim], Phila Pa, rapper (Boyz II Men) .....and on this day in history: 1950 Because of forest fire in Br Columbia, blue moon appears in England 1950 UN troops in Korean War recaptured South Korean capital of Seoul 1952 Yanks clinch pennant #19 1954 Typhoon strikes Kakodate Bay Japan, killing over 1,600 1955 NY Stock Exchange worst price decline since 1929 1957 Dag Hammarskj"ld re-elected secretary-general of the UN 1957 Musical "West Side Story," opens on Broadway 1958 Columbia (US) beats Sceptre (England) in 18th America's Cup 1959 SF Giants Sam Jones 2nd no-hitter, beats St Louis Cards, 4-0 1960 1st of 4 TV debates Nixon & Kennedy took place (Chicago) 1960 Longest speech in UN history (4 hrs, 29 mins, by Fidel Castro) 1961 Roger Maris hits HR #60 off Jack Fisher, tying Babe Ruth's record 1962 1st to steal 100 bases in a season (Maury Wills goes on to 104) 1962 TV comedy series "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiers on CBS 1962 Yemen Arab Republic proclaimed (National Day) 1966 "Staten Island," 1st icebreaker to enter SF bay 1968 Hawaii Five-O debuts as an hourly program on CBS 1968 St Louis Cards' Bob Gibson's 13th shutout, ends with 1.12 ERA 1969 Beatles release "Abbey Road" album 1972 American Museum of Immigration dedicated 1973 Concorde flies from Washington DC to Paris in 3h33m 1973 Wilt Chamberlain signs with ABA San Diego Conquistadors 1975 Phillies & NY Mets play a doubleheader that ends at 3:15 AM 1976 Phillies clinch their 1st NL East Division title 1977 Sir Freddie Laker begins cut-rate "Skytrain" service, London to NY 1978 RR clerks go on strike, halting more than 2/3s of rail service 1979 1984 summer LA Olympic coverage sold to ABC for $225 million 1980 Cuban govt closes Mariel Harbor ending "freedom flotilla" 1980 Soyuz 38 returns to Earth 1981 Houston Astro Nolan Ryan 5th no-hitter beats LA Dodgers, 5-0 1983 Ali Haji-Sheikh kicks NY Giant record 56 yard field goal 1983 Australia II wins America's Cup yacht race (1st non-US winner) 1983 Cosmonauts Titov & Strekalov are saved from exploding Soyuz T-10 1983 St Louis Card Bob Forsch 2nd no-hitter beats Montreal Expos, 3-0 1984 5,251 turn out to see the Phillies play the NY Mets at Shea Stadium 1984 Britain & China initial agreement return Hong Kong to China in 1997 1984 Pres Reagan vetoes sanctions against South Africa 1986 Antonin Scalia becomes a Supreme Court Justice 1986 William Rehnquist becomes Chief Justice of the Supreme Court 1986 Bobby (Patrick Duffy) returns to Dallas, his death is attributed to his wife Pam's bad dream (erases all of last season) 1988 Canada`s Ben Johnson stripped of his 100-m gold failing drug test 1988 NYC's Rockefeller Center declared a national landmark 1988 Polish communist party picks propaganda chief Rakowski as new PM 1988 US space shuttle STS-26 launched 1990 Motion Picture Assn of America creates new NC-17 rating 1991 2 year experimental Biosphere 2 in Oracle Arizona begins �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Wendy informed the teacher, "Anni has to go to the principal's office." "Do you know why," the teacher asked. "Because she's a following person," Wendy replied. "A what?" "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office...'" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Daddy should have finished him off when he had the chance! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work." Thomas Alva Edison ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Attention Please <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/attn.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/attn.htm Working Late <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/29.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/29.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic] A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it." The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same" And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening,the trio enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Sitting in line... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.209 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.209 How long is this Guy? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.213 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.213 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the- art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Darn thing must be an hour fast!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� The tallest of all animals, the giraffe has an extremely long and muscular neck. Most mammals have seven neck vertebrae. How many does the giraffe have? A. 3 B. 7 C. 17 D. 27 --- Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, was the site for the first public ____? A. Train station B. Bus station C. Airport D. Shopping center <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Renowned paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey is known for uncovering many fossils of early humans. He left school at the age of 16 to start a business doing what? A. Leading safaris --- The hippopotamus is semiaquatic. Which is NOT a trait of the hippo? D. Sleeps underwater � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� WeightLifter <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/30.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/30.htm Color Test Conflict <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/001.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/001.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and ask for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays" The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 26 2001 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m719.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m719.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family . . . " Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home,while the Black man yells at him. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make some nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things" she inquires? "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message . . . As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yelling, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!' ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Lynne <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html Strip BlackJack With Regina <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� What do you do when you look in the mirror and see flashing lights? The first thing to do is to breathe. Do not hyperventilate, though-passing out is not a good option, especially if you have not pulled off the road yet. Cussing is acceptable, though it won't help. Equally important to continued breathing is to make sure that the flashing lights are not secondary to something other than a patrol car. 1. It could be an ambulance or fire truck-just move your sorry butt out of they way and let them get on with their job. You should be happy it isn't a cop since you've probably broken three or four laws in the last ten minutes. 2. It could be a prism hanging from another driver's mirror. They should be shot for hanging a stinking prism there anyway, but I don't recommend heavy artillery lest you don't mind sharing a prison cell with Bubba or Bubbette(and implicitly being Bubba's boy toy or Bubbette's Babe.) 3. You might be having a retinal detachment or hallucinations. If you pull over and an officer doesn't appear in five minutes or so, head to the nearest hospital or psychiatric ward. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The preacher rose with an angry frown on a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread an ugly rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a terrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am shocked and embarrassed and I do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who started this despicable rumor to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!" No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. No one moved. Finally and slowly a gorgeous blonde with a voluptuous figure rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the KKK. I just told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: "Kisses - $5 to $50." Todd asked Nina, the girl in the booth, if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� If You Can't Make Me Thin <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/002.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/002.htm No Raise For You <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/37.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/37.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Kenyan woman has failed to persuade a court that she should be compensated for having sex with a man who later left her. A magistrate told her that she did not deserve any compensation because she had not "worked hard enough" to get pregnant. Mary Wambui Gichuki went to court to make Stanley Mathenge pay her for the sexual favours she provided during the three years they stayed together, reports the Daily Nation. She complained that she had only provided the favours because he had promised to marry her but he later left her for another woman. But magistrate Nicholas Ateya, sitting at Nakuru, said under customary law, Mathenge was free to marry another woman. "Although you were very generous in supplying Mathenge with sexual services for three years, you never worked hard enough to get pregnant," Mr Ateya said. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free pro- fessional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] C E L L S H O C K E D [||||] Cal's gov Gray Davis has okayed a bill authorizing human stem cell research in direct defiance of Dub's opposition to the cutting edge science. (LA Times) Davis believes Dub thought he was banning BRAIN cell research. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Keli and Anni walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Anni sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Keli" "Yeah. What's it called Anni?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What the does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Anni takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Keli again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It Just fell off... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.221 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.221 Vote o'Brien... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.225 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.225 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A Canadian man's attempt make off without paying a prostitute for her services failed miserably when he left behind some crucial evidence -- his employer's truck and, inside it, much of his finger, police said. "There's a lot of lessons here and they're all really apparent," Edmonton police spokesman Wes Bellmore said. Residents of an Edmonton neighborhood alerted police just after daybreak with reports of a man and a woman fighting and yelling in and around a pickup truck, saying the man was bleeding from his hand. Witnesses reported the young blonde woman eventually jumped out of the truck, pulled up her pants and ran to a nearby home, police said. When officers arrived on the scene, they found the pickup with bloodstains on the door, clumps of blonde hair in the cab and a 3/4-inch (2 cm) piece of a finger. Police also found the woman after a door-to-door search, and said she explained that she was working as a prostitute and that the fight broke out when the man refused to pay her for services rendered. Officers believed she bit the man's finger off. It did not take police long to locate the man, described as heavy-set and in his 50s. "It was a company truck with the big name and phone number on the side, so that helped -- our investigators are pretty smart," Bellmore said. "Our investigators got in touch with him at the hospital, where he's having what's left of his finger put back together." Bellmore said the man was not arrested but may face assault charges in coming days. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Contest ENDS this weekend...get your entries in now...YOU could be the lucky winner! WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Happy HalloWhine! By Kim Burke Wherever you shop for a Halloween costume, you will more than likely always find a princess, a witch, a pumpkin, a ghost and selected portions of Anna Nicole Smith among the selections but what about real costumes for real characters? We have not valued Halloween as the eye-opening, emotional-draining experience it should be. We have hidden behind fantasies, painted ourselves as clowns, and sent our children out with brooms in hand without them having ever known how to actually use one correctly. Want to have fun this Halloween yet keep it real? Make a PMS costume! Oh, you wouldn't have to really do much. Just get into some slippers, bang on each door very hard and scream for someone to give your kids something RIGHT NOW! How about a 'whiners' costume? Same concept! Just throw on a white sheet with pictures of cheese stapled on it, knock on your neighbors' doors, use your normal 'whiners' voice and I promise you, the neighbors will shove stuff into your kids' bags just to get rid of you. Do you have an opinion on everything? Heck, you don't have to do anything! Throw on something red, grab the kids and march throughout the neighborhood. Being as you will be directing not only your children but also everyone else 's children on where to walk, where not to walk and what to say and what not to say, you won't even have to knock. Folks will leave your treats on the front porch. Lucky you! Do you not have any children living in your home? Are you over the age of fifty? Are you the kind of person who says, "Morning," without using the word 'good' first and snorts when someone greets you as you pass by? You may not fair well in the treat-receiving department but, by golly, you're off to having a grand reputation for being the ogre who lives in the haunted house down the road! Now, I'm sure this is a fun and enjoyable way to scare all of the children in the neighborhood, watch them shine flashlights into your windows and listen as they ring the doorbell then run like the wind. However, if it is candy you are after, your only shot is running out of the house, screaming at the top of your lungs and behaving like a complete maniac when the kiddies sneak around your home, thus scaring them so much that they drop their goodie bags in your front yard. OK, so I do this when I am experiencing a PMS day. So what if I'm a little moody? I make darn sure children aren't around and doubly sure my husband is there. There's nothing like a husband having to endure his wife losing her mind through the madness of her mouth. How else are they going to learn tolerance? How about going as a 'Survivor' contestant? You need to begin to prepare for this right now. I know we are still six weeks away from Halloween but there are things you should do. Stop bathing, for one. See, this not only insures that you truly look and smell the part but bugs will start to nest in your hair and other severe parts of your body, thus creating a true 'Cast Away' effect. Do not eat anything you enjoy and only drink water. This way, you'll have that drawn-in look on your face and not necessarily from losing weight but basically because you'll be in a bad mood from not eating cheese dip and chocolate for over a month. Actually, this could truly be the way to go. Not only will your neighbors give treats to your children on Halloween, you will probably notice bags of groceries and clothes on your doorstep for several weeks afterwards. As a matter of fact, if you play it up really well, you may set yourself up for a fantastic Thanksgiving and Christmas season. However you partake in Halloween, be it with plans in your neighborhood, your local church or with friends and family, be creative this year! It doesn't take a lot of money to come up with a great, new idea. And who knows, you could come up with the next moneymaking trend. After all, Halloween isn't Bill Gates' area! -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! 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