[Purehumour] Thursdays Stuff

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Happy Halloween...and wow did you do a great job with that costume! We are
going to a Halloween party on Saturday...I have the perfect costume...just have
to put it together...hopefully I can get some pics of it and will post on my website...
I don't usually dress up for Halloween but this year I just feel like I am ready to.

Don't forget to check out my new web-board....we had a few people drop by for
a visit yesterday and some even left their messages...its free...its easy...and you
can have some extra fun. See it all at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Click</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/

Today's issue includes contributions by: Donna, SunAmy, Keli, Stan,
Shameless, Karen, Barb, Rubin.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?

He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Scary!!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.792 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.792 ">Click Here </a>

���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! Scratch 'n' Win lottery tickets for your friends (or
enemies)...watch their faces as they scratch and reveal
a prize of $10,000 or $25,000 or even $50,000! See them
bounce off the walls....who is the one to tell them that it
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Halloween Definitions:

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off
while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking
his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck
in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.


Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over
to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for
Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework
to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets
after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit
smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning
coffee

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1942 David Ogden Stiers Peoria Ill, actor (Winchester-M*A*S*H, Doc)
1944 Kinky Friedman Palestine Tx, country rocker (Ride 'em Jewboy)
1944 Sally Kirkland NYC, actress (Anna, Sting, Pvt Benjamin, Big Bad Mama)
1947 Deidre Hall Milwaukee, actress (Days of our Life, Our House)
1947 Frank Shorter US, marathon runner (Olympic-gold-1972)
1949 Terrence W Wilcutt Russellville Ky, Major USMC/astronaut
1950 Jane Pauley Indianapolis Indiana, newscaster (Today, NBC Weekend)
1950 John Candy Ontario Canada, comedian (SCTV, Uncle Buck)
1953 John Lucas NBA guard (Houston Rockets, Milwaukee Bucks)
1960 Reza Pahlavi Iran, son of Shah of Iran
1961 Larry Mullen Jr drummer (U2-I Will Follow)
1963 Johnny Marr rocker (The Smiths-Ask, Girl Afraid)
1964 Amanda Sandrelli Rome Italy, actress (The Key)
1966 Ad-Rock [Adam Horowitz], rocker (Beastie Boys-You Gotta Fight)
1968 Vanilla Ice [Robert Van Winkle], rapper (Ice Ice Baby)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Collazo & Torresola attempt to kill Truman in Washington, DC
1952 1st thermonuclear bomb detonated-Marshall Islands
1954 Algerian Revolution against French begins
1956 1st American to land an airplane at South Pole-Rear Adm GJ Dufek
1956 Britain & France begin to bomb Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal
1956 Brooklyn, NY ends streetcar service
1959 Lee Harvey Oswald announces in Moscow he will never return to US
1963 Ed Sullivan witnesses the Beatles & their fans at London Airport
1963 Leaking propane gas explodes, kills 64 at "Holiday on Ice" (Indiana)
1964 Barbra Streisand's "People," album goes #1 for 5 weeks
1967 Nguyen Van Thieu took oath of office as 1st pres of S Vietnam 2nd Rep
1968 Linda Eastman moves to UK permanently
1968 Milwaukee Bucks win their 1st game beating Detroit 138-118 (6th game)
1968 President Johnson orders a halt to all bombing of North Vietnam
1969 George Harrison's "Something" is released in UK
1969 Race riot in Jacksonville Florida
1974 Bundy victim (?) Laura Aime disappears in Utah
1980 Julian Nott sets world hot-air balloon altitude record (16,806 m)
1982 Pope John Paul II becomes 1st pontiff to visit Spain
1983 Paul McCartney releases "Pipes of Peace" album
1983 Ron Grant completes a 217 day, 8,316 mile run around Australia
1984 Puerto Rican tanker, San Francisco explodes spilling 2 million gallons of oil as the ship caught fire
1987 1st jockey to win 9 races in 1 day (Chris Antley at Belmont)
1987 A pair in Coventry, England ties the world record for the longest singles tennis match at 80 hrs 21 minutes
1988 1st Monday Night NFL game in Indianapolis, Colts beat Denver 55-23
1988 Journalists demand greater press freedom in Yugoslavia

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door
of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two
are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be
Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.

They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the
door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel
and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time
when he opens the door there stand the two children but this
time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts"

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���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------���

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-Voltaire

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Whaddya Think?? Is This Costume Scary Enough??
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween1.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween1.html

Halloween Flashers
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween2.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween2.html

Halloween Hangover
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween3.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween3.html

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Signs your mobile home is haunted....

1. A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.
5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.
6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.
7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.
8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.
10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.
11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.
12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.
13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."
14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib--no wait that's Jimmy.
15. You hear strange moaning-but only during Shania Twain videos.
16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee.
17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.
18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.
19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."
20. Instead of saying "boo" the ghost says "boo-ya'll!"
21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin... and he's peeing on YOU!!
22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them.
23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.
24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because Richard Simmons is on TV.
25. You come home one day and it's clean.

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

Happy Everything...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.258 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.258

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to
meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because
of all the sins that he had done going around
sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins",
said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not
in a human form. You can be reincarnated into
any other living thing of your choice. So, what
would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to
become a living thing with wings and sucks blood,
heh, heh, heh."

"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into
a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying
around sucking the blood of animals until one
day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again
to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and
a little batty). "I'll give you another chance",
said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as
a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be
a living thing with wings and sucks blood!"

God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if
that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a
mosquito. So back to earth again he went, flying
around and sucking blood until one day, splat,
he was squashed by his victim. So up he went
again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather
bugged).

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself
but this time you cannot become a living thing.
You can only be turned into a non-living thing of
your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then
turn me into a non-living thing with wings and
sucks blood!! heh...heh.."

"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into
a 'Sanitary Napkin'

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

<A Classic!>

Reisha heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

Reisha came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Reisha said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked," Pasteurized?"

Reisha said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

What was the power source for the precursors of modern railroads?

A. Horse power
B. Steam
C. Electricity
D. Manpower

<Answers in Next Issue!>

27/10

Last Issue's Answers:

What has always been the site for the traditional Oktoberfest celebration?

A. Therese's Meadow

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Dressing Up As Elvis
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween4.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween4.html

Halloween Moon
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween5.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween5.html

JackDaniels-O-Lantern
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween6.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween6.html

���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.

6> No warm blood for miles around DC.

5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."

2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Well as luck would have it...the archives croaked as I was
putting together todays issue! When they come back online
you can check out the great Halloween issues of the past
at:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

Count Dracula is out on the pull in Dublin.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various
clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is
heading home, walking along Grafton Street, sometime
before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks
round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmmmm,
he thinks, what's going on here?

A few yards further and.... Bang. Smacked on the head
again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. Again he
looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich
lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and... crash!
Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. He's
getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage
lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.
Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a sudden
tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns
as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart.
He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is
punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk
of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female.
With his dying breath, he gasps: "Who the ARE you??"

The girl smiles: "My name is Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

Miscalculating The Flight Pattern
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween7.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween7.html

Does This Swimsuit Make Me Look Fat
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween8.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween8.html

���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------���

For every signal, turn, turn, turn,

These is no reason, turn, turn, turn

Ever wonder why it's called a "turn" signal.

I generally use mine when making a turn. A friend
riding with me asked, "What's that clicking noise?"
He apparently was unaware of this modern convenience.
I see a lot of people who find it too cumbersome to
turn on the signal when they intend to turn. After
all, why do they need to signal? They're coming to
a complete stop for no other apparent reason. They've
either stalled or they are going to turn.

Another problem is that a lot of people ride around with
the signal blinking, but DON'T TURN. They just enjoy
getting jiggy with the click.

Others use it to signal that they are taking control of
the right of way. A flick of the wrist, and magically,
they are entitled to pull in front of you.

� 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the
local Country Club. A man in his forties said he would play with him and
would even give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "Thanks, but I really don't need a handicap. The only
real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the two men were within two
strokes of each other. Then it happened. The old man had a long drive, but
it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Grumbling as he stepped
into the sand trap, he then hit a very high ball which landed on the green
and rolled into the hole.

The younger man was impressed and puzzled. "Nice shot but I thought you said
you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the old man, "I do! Please give me a hand."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend,
"According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of
all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of
them sing." "Really?" The therapist nodded. "And do you know
what song they sing?" The friend shook her head.

The therapist said, "I didn't think so."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Jack-O-Lantern Suicide
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween9.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween9.html

Why Trick Or Treating Is BETTER Than Sex
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween10.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween10.html

Maybe Spiderman WASN'T Such A Good Idea For A Costume
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween11.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween11.html

Don't Drink & Fly
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween12.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/halloween12.html

���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A couple have had their dream wedding ceremony in
the London Dungeon.

Stephen Smith and Kathleen McDermott's Halloween
ceremony took place in a mocked up 19th century
courtroom in the horror museum.

They were sentenced to death by firing squad for
"assault, affray and disturbing the peace".

But before they were led away to be executed, the
judge "married" the 27-year-old bride and 32-year-
old groom after telling her that they had been
attacked by vampires while on their way to their
own church wedding.

Kathleen, a window dresser, and Stephen, a decorator,
were then given a mock execution before they and 15
guests toured the Dungeons.

The couple, who had been engaged for four years,
then sipped "eyeball" cocktails in the Dungeon's
Blood and Guts Tavern, becoming the first couple to
celebrate their marriage at the attraction.

The bride, dressed in a traditional gown decorated
with red beads to look like blood, and the groom, who
wore a black suit, are returning to their home in
Folkestone for a register office service to legalise
their marriage.

After the Dungeon ceremony, Alex Lee, who officiated
as judge, said: "At first, when I heard about what
they wanted to do, I was a bit apprehensive, because
I thought, what kind of people are they that they
want to get married in The London Dungeon?

"But then I realised that they were just a couple of
goths who really like the place."

The museum's spokesman, Mark Oakley, said they have
had received lots of requests from people who wanted
to marry in the Dungeon but the ceremony was a one-
off.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the
mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked
to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual
making love with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If
elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair
community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, . . .
. . . "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] D I S T A F F S P O K E R S [||||]

Thousands of Islamic fems lined up for free Harley lessons after a 1979
ban on Iranian women piloting two wheelers was lifted. (LAT/10/28)

They've even formed their own biker chick club -- Allah's Angels.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

<From last year's issue>

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was
work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she
asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All
right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do
my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself,
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Puke...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.592 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.4.592

���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

Austrian police arrested a 28-year-old man who robbed
the Salzburg branch of Austrian savings bankSparkasse
where he was known as a customer, the APA news agency
reported.

The Austrian man held up the bank at gunpoint Monday,
escaping on foot with a loot of $20,070.

After being identified as a customer by a bank employee,
the man was detained by police at a late-night bar in
Klagenfurt.

By the time of his arrest Tuesday, the man had guzzled
five bottles of champagne in the company of several bar
hostesses. APA said the thief did not resist arrest.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there
is a full moon?

A Were-doe

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

THOUGHT PROVOKING
by Dick Wolfsie

My wife was bragging about me the other day. Mary Ellen teaches a course on
advertising at Butler University and apparently she told her class that her
husband was a divergent thinker.

There was some polite applause at her solid choice for a mate and more than a
few co-eds expressed hope that they would be so lucky in their own love
lives.

When I first heard about it, I was so overjoyed, so appreciative, that I took
my wife out for an expensive dinner, bought a pricey bottle of wine and
romanced her like I had never romanced her before. But it didn't work. I
still didn't have any idea what a divergent thinker was. I tried prying it
out of her�

"Mary Ellen, could you just give me a hint?"

"Well, Dick. I could give you lots of hints, but it wouldn't mean anything.
You still wouldn't understand. That's what makes you a divergent thinker.
Clues don't help you. Even with clues, you're clueless.

"Huh?"

"You are not capable of taking a series of ideas and coming to a conclusion.
That is convergent thinking. You, on the other hand, are a divergent thinker.
In strict psychological terms you find it difficult to extrapolate a series
of seemingly unrelated data and construct a viable conclusion based on the
information in your purview. You can't focus on one correct answer. You are
weak in inductive and deductive reasoning, inquiry and logic."

"Please, what does this mean in English?"

"Dizzy, Dick. You are dizzy."

I thought about all the times I've forgotten where I parked the car, the fact
that I can't read a map, that I can't follow directions in a manual, that I
am always losing my keys, that I sometimes forget why I went to the store, or
who I'm calling on the phone.

Okay, fine. I admit all this, but where does she come off calling me dizzy?

"Look, Dick," she continued. "As much as I love you, I don't think we should
go to the movies together anymore. You never understand any of the plots. You
start asking me dumb questions two minutes after we sit down.

"Well, sometimes you don't know the answers, either."

"That's because we are watching the previews, Dick. Then the movie starts and
you ask me whether we know the couple in front of us, whether I have butter
on my popcorn, why popcorn is so expensive, where we are going for dinner, in
what other movie have we seen that actor, if next time we can sit farther
back. All this while I'm trying to do something else."

"What are you doing that is so important?"

"Watching the movie, Dick. I am watching the movie."

"I didn't know you were that focused. Isn't that bad for your blood pressure?"

"Look, Dick, there are some advantages to being a divergent thinker. You
probably could think of fifteen different ways to use a shoetree other than
putting it in a shoe. I am sure that if we were shipwrecked on a deserted
island you could find a way to use my undergarments to catch fish."


"Wow, and I was just beginning to get down on myself. Thanks for the pep
talk."

"Focus, Dick, focus. You'll be a better person."

The last few days I've tried not to be dizzy. I have tried to focus on the
task at hand. I've concentrated on everything around me and I have avoided
being distracted by extraneous events. Most of all, I have committed myself
to staying interested in what I am doing so that


---

Dick Wolfsie is a columnist at www.wishtv.com where he works as a reporter.
He also has a new book out which coincidentally is called "Dick Wolfsie's
New Book." The book is available on the website.

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