���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a>

Well it was inevitable...the first Snow Day of the season...schools are
closed and the kids are staying home! The worst part about this is that
tonight was the annual Christmas Concert and the kids have worked so
hard on their plays! But Mother Nature hit us with about 12 inches of
snow yesterday and overnight it began to blow so things are a real mess
up here! BUT on the bright side...we live in a community with many people
of Ukranian descent...and so the Christmas Concert has been rescheduled
to Tuesday January 7th 2003...which just happens to be Ukranian Christmas!
Now I can see all of you laughing and thinking that Paul is pulling the wool
over your eyes...but trust me here folks...this one is the God's honest truth!

Hopefully your weather is a little bit better than ours today...whatever you
get though...enjoy it...we really needed the snow and it will make the spring
so much wetter which we also need!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Jack, Rubin, SunAmy, Pat,
Marina, Colorado Kid, Greg.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Did you hear about the blonde, unsuccessful vampire hunter?

She tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through it's
heart, because steaks were too expensive.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Stop or else...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1076 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1076

Naming the animals..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1075 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1075

���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Getting lost in the auction shuffle? Take a step
into a NEW auction future...NO LISTING FEE...relist
for FREE until you sell! Need a new place to sell
your wears...then give SellAtOnce.com a visit:

<a href=" http://www.sellatonce.com ">Click</a>
http://www.sellatonce.com

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby,
let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play
Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.....

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
and a happy New Year."

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

LIKE MY LIST?

Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

Vote Now :
<a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a>
���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Daryl Hannah Chicago IL, actress (Splash)
1960 Mike Lookinland Mount Pleasant UT, actor (Bobby-Brady Bunch)
1961 Reggie White NFL defensive end (Green Bay Packers-Superbowl 31)
1962 Bettina Huebers Hamburg German Federal Republic, illegitimate daughter of Paul McCartney
1962 Charith Senanayake cricketer (played for Sri Lanka vs New Zealand 1991)
1963 Chris Greatrex LPGA golfer (1995 Fielcrest Cannon Classic-71st)
1963 Jennifer Beals Chicago IL, actress (Flashdance, Bride)
1963 Karen Bliss-Livingston Quakertown PA, cyclist (Olympics-96)
1964 Beatrice Dalle Breast France, actress (Betty Blue, Sabbath)
1964 Arvydas Sabonis NBA center (Portland Trailblazers)
1964 Lorie Kane Prince Edward Island Canada, LPGA golfer (du Maurier Ltd-1994, 95)
1964 Mike Fetters Van Nuys CA, pitcher (Milwaukee Brewers)
1964 Randall McDaniel NFL guard (Minnesota Vikings)
1965 Chuckii Booker rocker
1965 Jessica Steen Toronto Ontario, actress (Earth II, Homefront, Trial & Error)
1966 Robert MacNaughton New York NY, actor (ET)
1966 Alberto "La Bomba" Tomba Italian skier (Olympics-gold-1988, 92)
1966 Courtney Griffin CFL defensive back (Winnipeg Blue Bombers)
1966 Eric Weinrich Roanoke, NHL defenseman (Chicago Blackhawks)
1966 Monique Oliver Malibu CA, WPVA volleyballer (US Open-4th-1994)
1966 Rajesh Chauhan cricketer (Indian off-spinner since 1993)
1966 Roberto Beam soccer player (Vitesse/MVV)
1967 Doug Johns South Bend IN, pitcher (Oakland A's)
1968 Jennifer Devine Portland OR, rower (Olympics-96)
1969 Kristy Swanson actress (Knots Landing, Buffy Vampire Slayer)
1969 Michael Bates NFL wide receiver (Cleveland Browns, Carolina Panthers)
1969 Mike Alexander WLAF corner (Rhein Fire)
1969 Nayan Mongia cricketer (Indian Test batsman-wicketkeeper 1994- )
1969 Santana Dotson NFL defensive tackle (Green Bay Packers-Superbowl 31)
1969 Scott Pearson Cornwall, NHL left wing (Buffalo Sabres)
1969 Tom Gugliotta NBA forward (Minnesota Timberwolves)
1970 Zac Foley rock bassist (EMF-Unbelievable)
1970 Jon Cleveland Fresno CA, Canadian 100 meter/200 meter swimmer (Olympics-bronze-92, 96)
1970 Robert Lang Teplice Czechoslovakia, NHL forward (Team Czechoslovakia Representative, Los Angeles)
1970 Wendy Miles Australia, golfer (1993 T77 Alpine Australian Ladies Masters)
1971 Amy Locane Trenton NJ, actress (Andrea-Spencer, Sandy-Melrose Place)
1971 Jen[nifer] Dore Kearny NJ, rower (Olympics-4th-96)
1971 Mike Groh WLAF quarterback (Rhein Fire)
1972 Alyssa Jane Milano Brooklyn NY, actress (Samantha-Who's the Boss, Jennifer-Melrose Place, Phoebe-Charmed)
1972 Warren Sapp NFL defensive tackle (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1972 Waverly Jackson DL (Carolina Panthers)
1973 Kebu Stewart NBA forward (Philadelphia 76ers)
1974 Bryant Westbrook cornerback (Detroit Lions)
1974 Jake Plummer quarterback (Arizona Cardinals)
1974 Ricky Ponting cricketer (prodigious Tasmania batsman, Australia 1995)
1975 Casual [Jon Owens] rapper
1975 Kristin Folkl St Louis MO, volleyball outside hitter (alternate-Olympics-96)
1977 Maria Joana Parizotto Miss Universe-Brazil (1996)
1978 Lauren Petty Miss New Jersey Teen USA (1997)
1981 Stevie Ficker Miss Oregon Teen USA (1997)
1996 Paige Speakman England, born 19 days before her twin sister

.....and on this day in history:

1960 Fire aboard USS Constellation, under construction in Brooklyn (50 die)
1961 British government begins decimal coin system
1962 Street signs in Golden Gate Park approved by Park Commission
1963 Zanzibar becomes independent from UK
1965 French President De Gaulle re-elected (Mitterrand gets 45%)
1969 Beatle's 7th Christmas album is released
1971 CBS airs "Homecoming - A Christmas Story" (introducing the Waltons)
1971 Stanley Kubrick's X-rated "A Clockwork Orange" premieres
1972 Apollo 17 (last of Apollo Moon landing series) returns to Earth
1974 Nelson A Rockefeller sworn-in as the 41st Vice-President
1975 Ron Wood joined the Rolling Stones
1976 Piper Cherokee crashes into Baltimore Memorial Stadium upper stands, 10 minutes after Colts lose 40-14 to Steelers; No one seriously hurt
1977 Dutch government of Van Agt/Wiegel forms
1978 Indira Gandhi ambushed in India
1980 Iran requests $24 billion in US guarantees to free hostages
1984 Scotty Bowman becomes NHL's all time winningest coach
1985 Mary Lund is 1st woman to receive a Jarvik VII artificial heart
1986 Michael Sergio, who parachuted into Shea Stadium during game 6 of the World Series, sentenced to 100 hours of community service & fined $500
1987 Bruins' Linseman & Blues' Doug Gilmore score goals, 2 seconds apart
1988 NASA unveils plans for lunar colony & manned missions to Mars
1989 American Airlines purchases Eastern Airline's Latin American route
1991 Boris Yeltsin takes control of Kremlin
1995 Queen Elizabeth askes Prince Charles & Diana to divorce
1997 MTV drops video "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Christmas Classic]

WRAPPING PRESENTS WITH A CAT

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained,
and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable
wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in
the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace
present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line
straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors
and tore paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag
the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges
now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove
cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting
transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent
sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners
as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve
ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to
cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce
risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box
that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for
lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close
door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in
the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with
ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and to feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to
obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are
alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's
face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a
badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to
wrap the darn thing for you.

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free!
Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in
addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a>
http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html

���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter
their lives by altering their attitudes of mind."
-William James

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Moon Shot
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08d.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08d.html

Grow A Foot
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08e.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08e.html

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

On her way back from the concession stand, Anni
asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me,
but did I step on your foot before?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Anni nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row."

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

Noah's ship...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1074 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1074

making donuts...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1073 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1073

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day,
they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100
beautiful women. They started getting friendly with
all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am
the master of all these women. No one else can touch
them except me. You three men must pay for what you
have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your
profession." The sheik turns to the first man and
asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop",
says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis
off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second
man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a
firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn
your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do
you do for a living?" And the third man answered,
with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing!
Get Paid to read email:
<a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a>

���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy
tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.
He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do
wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the
woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy
finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three
of us hit completely different tee shots, and when
we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same
exact answer each time, what is 'loft?' "

The pro says, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
It's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest Stop off Route 81, West Virginia

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

France was the site of the first bus service. Which century was it established?

A. 17th century
B. 18th century
C. 19th century
D. 20th century

<Answers in Next Issue!>

15/12

Last Issue's Answers:

Many Americans speak a little German every day without realizing it as so many German words have worked their way into our language. Some words are identical in German and American and other words have slightly changed. Which words are identical?

F. C and D

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Can Your Beer Do This?
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08h.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08h.html

Take Your Best Shot
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08i.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08i.html

���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small
Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to
let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and
went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist
Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed
the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be
$20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to
work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as
smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad,
he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man
was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more
than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you
must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still
haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She
responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Some dates in history are less significant than others...and today
in Purehumour History is one of those dates...there is no issue in
the past that was published on this date...so instead we go back
to November 29th 1999:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m354.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m354.html

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and
told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been
trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get
pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we'll solve your problem,"
the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get
up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young
woman, blushing, " but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

Strip BlackJack With Lynne
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html

Text Twist
<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/texttwist.html ">Click</a>
http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/texttwist.html

If They Mated - Jennifer Lopez & Puff Daddy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated4.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated4.html

If They Mated - Liza Minelli & David Guest
<a href=" http://ninasplace.com/018.htm ">Click</a>
http://ninasplace.com/018.htm

���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------���

So with the first inch of snowfall, comes the first wave
of accidents.

Cars are sliding everywhere. They slide off the road.
They turn donuts in the middle of the road. They slide
into each other. It's like a bumper car ride at the
carnival.

That first single inch is magical�like Christmas snow.
It won't bring frosty back, but it will cancel school
and most businesses, bring out a fleet of snow trucks,
a ton of salt per square foot, and cause untold accidents
that paralyze the city.

And somehow, someway, every single inch of that stuff ends
up plowed into the end of my driveway. Just after I've
cleared it. For the third time.

By the end of winter, (which runs from October to May in
PA), that same inch of snow is completely ignored. Everyone
has learned that it is slippery. The snow plows don't even
bother going out if it's under a foot. There is no salt
left after the first week of winter anyway.

And, it will still all end up being pushed into the end of
my driveway somehow.

� 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off,
so he orders his driver to drive him to this new
exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states
that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants
to return home, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."

His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign?
They'll kick you out immediately!"

Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish."
and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three
hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked
out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "What happened?"

Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole
number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of
these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my God, what'll I do
now?' And then the waters separated and everybody
knew..."

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000
jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much
more...all for the taking!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

It was the first time that had made love. They were fondling each other
intimately. She had his penis in her hand. "What do you call it? she a
sked. "Some blokes call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie.
What do you call yours?"

I don't have to call mine anything," he replied "It usually 'cums' without
being called."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Golf Lesson
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08f.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08f.html

Dog Butt
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08g.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08g.html

���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A man has damaged a strip club in Texas because he
thought his 18-year-old daughter worked there.

Lee Wayne Lawrence was wearing camouflage and carry-
ing gunpowder around his neck when he entered the
Maximus Gentleman's Club, in Wichita Falls.

Police say he used an 8-inch hunting knife to slash
tables, chairs and a pair of bubble-water lamps.

Officers were called after the club's manager spotted
a container around Lawrence's neck.

Lawrence said he never meant to hurt anyone and knew he
could get arrested or killed by police during the
incident.

The club said his daughter Kera had auditioned but they
had turned her down because her identification appeared
to be fake.

Lawrence has been charged with aggravated assault and
jailed.

Wichita County sheriff Tom Callahan says he's being kept
in solitary confinement under suicide watch because he has
acted highly agitated.

Lawrence said he erupted in the bar "to get somebody to
help. I'd do it 100 times over.

He added: "It's not just for my daughter, but for all the
other daughters out there."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray,
the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was
XRayed instead.

"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs
just received a huge dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will
be lawyers!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] T A R N I S H E D A R C H E S [||||]

McDonald's suffered its first quarterly loss in the fat grammery's 47
year history. (LAD/12/18)

Some analysts predict their menu will soon include a supersized
McChapter 11.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

My daughter Rachel worked in my law office while she
attended graduate school.

One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in
yet and offered to take a message.

The caller said she'd phone back later. At 11:00 a.m., the
caller tried again and I reported that Rachel had gone to
lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's
left for the day.May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features...
all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

I want one...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1072 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1072

Kojak compare...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1071 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1071

���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

Several years ago while a Utah Highway Patrolman, I was
working an evening shift in Rich County. There are no
intersection lights anywhere, in any of the cities, in
this small rural community.

As I sat off the side of the road in a marked car at the
summit of Laketown Canyon, a car pulled off the road and
stopped behind me, with it's headlights and engine still
on. When the driver didn't immediately exit the car, I
went back to determine the driver's intent and to insure
my safety. I asked the driver why he had stopped.

He replied: "I'm just waiting for the light to change
officer."

I arrested him for driving under the influence.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What does a man with a 9 inch penis have for breakfast?

Well, this morning I had a fried egg on toast, coffee and a
danish!

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke

Why Santa Claus is a Thievin' Bastard

Have you been good this year? Have you been bad? When it comes to children does it really matter? Santa Claus is coming to town! Oh how the little ones run around praising dear, old Santa. The children write letters and even leave out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve night for him. As a matter of fact, children will sit on his lap and tell him their heart's desire.

In the meantime we, the unappreciated, overly tired and overly worked parents, will spend all day at our various jobs, continue to take care of our families while trying to find moments when no one needs us so we can sneak into the malls and fulfill the myth of an all-loving, all-forgiving and all-giving Santa Claus. How thoughtful of him.

When I was a little girl, I had no idea how hard Santa's job was and I definitely didn't realize how tired he must have been year in and year out. I wonder if Santa ever got irritated at inflation, the high cost of living and just how tricky it is to keep this idea of 'Christmas Perfect' an ongoing reality? Perhaps this is why his cheeks are always red.

Sometimes preparing for Christmas can be so exhausting. For one, it is cold this time of year and simply mustering up enough heat to get from the car to the store and back again is an effort in and of itself. I swear, if I found coal and a bundle of sticks in my stocking I would go ahead and make a fire to stay warm.

Then there is the wondrous shopping part of getting Santa's presents for the children. Will she like this? Is he old enough to enjoy this? Will this make too much of a mess? How many moments of unadulterated silence will this buy me?

The questions are many and the answered are second-guessed. When it comes to pleasing our children with gifts, I suppose we can only do the best we can and hope it is enough. As for the rest of it, in time those intricate moments of warmth, magic and joy will guide them to their own sense of Christmas cheer because when they look back they will realize it never was the gifts. Only love can keep cherished memories alive throughout the years.

Of course, it is a thankless task. The day my child actually sits on my lap and hands me a plate of cookies will probably be the day she's buttering me up to let me know she is sending me to a nursing home.

On second thought, she'll probably pre-plan the arrangements and let me know by writing a letter.

--

The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots!
If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in,
there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot!
Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED]


Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------���
The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material
that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such
material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning!

****NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW****

Free Foot Fetish Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=27&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=27&u=purehumour

Free Gay Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=28&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=28&u=purehumour

Free Gay Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=99&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=99&u=purehumour

Free Hairy Girls Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=62&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=62&u=purehumour

Free Hardcore Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=48&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=48&u=purehumour

Free Hardcore Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=112&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=112&u=purehumour

Free Indian Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=29&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=29&u=purehumour

Free Interracial Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=30&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=30&u=purehumour

Free Latina Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=31&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=31&u=purehumour

Free Lesbian Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=32&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=32&u=purehumour

Free Lesbian Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=98&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=98&u=purehumour

Free Mature Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=33&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=33&u=purehumour

Free Mature Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=101&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=101&u=purehumour

Free Panty Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=34&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=34&u=purehumour

Need more? Check out:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/

���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------���
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
in place.

None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a>
and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.

Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>

Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in
advertising on Purehumour??
Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM
More details?
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a>

Email submissions to:
Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a>

Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002
All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town
Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the
publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the
spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this
issue...please hit delete!

Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour...
this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original
author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed
written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour
is strictly prohibited!

The BEST Lists around:

Purehumour (the Original)-Sent Almost Daily:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Purehumour</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>

PHWeekly (Purehumour Lite) - Sent Saturdays
Subscribe: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">PHWeekly</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>

Weird News Ezine (A clean look at bizarre news) - Sent Saturdays
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Weird News Weekly</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>

To cancel (unsubscribe) from these mailings...please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Unsubscribe Page</a>

These are the worst jokes in history...the jokes that were banned from Purehumour...get them now! Send a blank email to: <this is an autoresponder>
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Banned Jokes</a>

Archives at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a>

Website: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ">Homepage</a>


Reply via email to