[Purehumour] Thursdays Stuff

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY FRIENDS SOUTH OF THE BORDER!
(Did I say that loud enough for you?)...enjoy your day of turkey and football and
then let the shopping begin! Thanksgiving traditionally marks the official start
to the Christmas shopping season so now is the perfect time to stop in and
take a look at a whole bunch of new products that just arrived at the Paul's
Fun House Giftshop. The giftshop is owned and operated by my wife who has
watched from the sidelines over the past few years as I have operated my ezines
and website...now she is finally jumping on board. So take a look around...see if
anything catches your eye...and don't forget the fabulous offer that runs from now
until Dec 24th: 25% off everything in the store, purchase $50.00 or more and you
get a FREE gift and purchase $100.00 or more and you get a FREE gift AND FREE
shipping and handling!
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>
http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com

I'd also like to give a special thank you to ALL of you who wrote to express
your opinions on the "moron" comment by the spokesperson for our great
(ha!) Prime Minister! I may not agree with your comments and you may not
agree with mine...but thats okay! Further to this story...the person who made
the original "moron" comment against George W, has since resigned and will
now disappear into obscurity...probably as head of a major Canadian Corporation!

This is a special issue for me...a friend of mine issued a challenge and said
that it wasn't possible...I had to prove her wrong...so Anni...this one's for you!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Donna, Ken, Di Ann, Barb, Keli, Aimee,
Rubin, SunAmy, Colorado Kid, Marsha.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?

They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Look out China...
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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:

LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!!

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No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy
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giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Wendy decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how
many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her
friend next door had recently done the same job and the two
rooms were identical in size.

"Anni," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy
for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Anni.

So Wendy bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job,
but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Anni," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Anni. "So did I."

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1941 Laura Antonelli Pola Yugoslavia, actress (Wifemistress, Divine Nymph)
1942 Paul Warfield NFL/WFL wide receiver (Cleveland, Miami, Memphis)
1943 Randy Newman singer (Short People, I Love LA, Raindrops)
1949 Alexander Godunov Russia, composer/dancer (Bolshoi) defected 1979
1949 Paul Shaffer Thunder Bay Ont, orchestra leader (SNL, David Letterman)
1950 Ed Harris Tenafly NJ, actor (Right Stuff, Swing Shift, Walker, Coma)
1958 David Van Day rocker (Dollar-Loves Gotta Hold on Me)
1959 Judd Nelson actor (Breakfast Club)
1961 Jane Sibbett actress (Teddy Z)
1964 Cornelia Guest debutante (Debutante's Guide to Life)
1967 Vickie Smith Houston TX, playmate (May, 1992)

.....and on this day in history:

1958 Chad becomes an autonomous republic within the French community
1958 Congo & Mauritania become autonomous members of French Community
1958 George "Punch" Imlach becomes coach of NHL's Toronto Maple Leafs
1960 Mauritania gains independence from France (National Day)
1963 1st million copy record prior to release "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
1963 Beatles "She Loves You" returns to #1 on UK record chart
1964 Mariner 4 launched; 1st probe to fly by Mars
1966 Coup in Burundi overthrows monarchy; a republic is declared
1968 John Lennon is fined �150 for unauthorized drug possession
1972 Los Angeles Dodgers trade Frank Robinson to California Angels
1974 Bowie Kuhn suspends George Steinbrenner for 2 years
1975 Wings release "Venus & Mars/Rock Show" medley
1979 Air New Zealand DC-10 crashes in Antarctica killing 257
1981 Bear Bryant wins his 315th game to out distance Alonzo Stagg & become college football's winningest coach
1983 9th Space Shuttle Mission-Columbia 6-is launched
1986 Reagan administration exceeds SALT II arms limitations for 1st time
1987 South African Airways Boeing 747 crashes into Indian Ocean, 159 die
1988 Picasso's "Acrobat & Harlequin" sells for $38.46 million
1989 Rickey Henderson signs record $3,000,000 per year Oak A's contract

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

In New York there is a restaurant in the city. And inside the
restaurant, in the ladies room, there is a magic mirror. Every
time you look into it and tell the truth then *POOF* you may
have one wish granted. But if you tell a lie then *POOF* you
are sucked up into the mirror never to be seen again.

Well, one day a average looking red head walks into the ladies
room and stands in front of the mirror, and says, "I think that
I am the most beautiful woman in the world!"

*POOF* the mirror sucks her up.

A couple days later an kind of chubby brunette walks into the
ladies room and stand in front of the mirror, and says, "I think
that I am the sexiest woman alive.

*POOF* the mirror sucks her up.

Last Anni, the blonde walks into the ladies room and stands in
front of the mirror, and says, "I think...

*POOF*...

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what you
think you've got.
-Sophia Loren

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni and Wendy are passengers on a plane

Wendy turns to Anni and says,"if this plane
turns upside down will we fall out?"

Anni turns and says, "No we'll stay the
best of friends!"

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni just got married and was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous.

Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry Anni. Sam's a
good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

She went upstairs. Sam took off his shirt. She ran
back downstairs to mother and says "mama,mama, he
took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Mama said "Don't worry, all good men have hairy chests."
She went back upstairs. Next, Sam took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs, Anni ran back down to mama,
mama said " Don't worry Anni, All good men have hairy
legs. She went back upstairs.

Next, Sam took off his socks, and on his left foot he was
missing three toes.

Anni ran back downstairs to mama and said "Mama, Sam's got
a foot and a half!"

Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta", "This is a job
for Mama!"

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni and Sam asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during
her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester
they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they
should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried Sam. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

I can't believe all the fuss about condoms protecting
people from diseases. I wore one once for 2 weeks and
still caught the mumps.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

Archeologists have discovered surprisingly accurate terra cotta reproductions of one specific organ which Mesopotamians believed was the seat of the soul. Can you name this organ?

A. Heart
B. Lung
C. Liver
D. Skin

<Answers in Next Issue!>

24/11

Last Issue's Answers:

The Egyptian Imhotep is important to the field of medicine because __________ ?

A. He is the earliest known physician whose name survives

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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Problem Flow Sheet
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

Sam and Greg were talking over a brown-bag lunch.
Sam said, "Anni and I hardly ever see each other.
Anni works the night shift and I work the day
shift. All we can do is pass each other in the hall."

Greg said, "Well, you have five children. How did you
manage that?"

Sam replied, "Loooooooooong hall."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

One year ago today:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m763.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m763.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat
pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "May be that's
the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red
ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for
afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem,"
said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

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Adult Slider Puzzle
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���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------���

Speaking of modern day irony, have you ever thought about
the "fast food drive-thru?"

Yes, you can stay in your car, but technically, you do very
little driving. If it were really a drive thru, the sack
would be thrown in my window as I pass. Since I have to
stop�I am no longer driving now am I?

And how many times has this happened to you? You pull up to
the window and the waitperson asks you to please pull forward
and they will bring your order out shortly. Now you are
parked, and the food is no longer fast.

Then, about two miles down the road, I discover they shorted
me a fries. I did want fries with that. I even super sized
them. Now I've got a friggin' huge drink that won't fit in
my cup holder, and no fries.

It's a corporate conspiracy. They figure by the time I discover
the error, I will be too far away to make it worth coming back
(they've seen how fast I drive as I whizzed past the cashiers
window.) A pack of fries over several billion customer drive
throughs adds up to a nice savings in the long run.

� 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni turned to her mother and asked, "Mom, is it true that babies
come out of the same place where boys stick their peepees"?

Mom thinks that sex education is going to be easier than
she thought and answers ..." Yes,dear ".

Anni replies, . . ." Won't the baby break my teeth coming out?

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

This Good Looking Guy walks into a Lounge
(meat market). Sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Sitting next to him is a short
Bald headed, really ugly guy!! This gorgeous
Blonde (perfect in every way) comes up to
the Bald man and they start talking. A little
while later they leave.

The next night, The Good Looking guy comes
back to the same place. The short fat ugly Bald
guy is there also. Well, this time he meets a
gorgeous brunette. They talk and they leave.

The third night the same thing happens to the
Bald man. Well, finally on the fourth night, The
good looking guy goes up to the short fat bald
guy and tells him, "I have been coming in here
3 nights in a row. I see you leave here with a
different beautiful woman every night. How do
you do it?"

Well," the short, fat, ugly bald man says to him,
"I'm a lawyer."

"Hmm," The Good looking Guy thinks to himself.
"A good idea!"

As he is thinking, Anni a blonde comes up to him
and starts talking to him. Anni asked him what
he did for a living and he told her that he was a
lawyer. So Anni says, "Let's go back to my place".
At which he agrees. Well, they are having a great
time in bed - awesome sex!!!

Well, after about an hour and a half, he starts
laughing his head off!! Anni is very upset at this
and asked him why he was laughing. He told her,
"Here I have only been an attorney for an hour and
a half, and already I'm screwing somebody!"

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Clubbed Canadian
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Colonel Sanders
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Jobless Man
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

An Italian railway worker is facing criminal charges for
causing major delays because of his frequent attacks of
diarrhea.

The 40-year-old man in northern Italy, allegedly delayed
the departure of two trains during the last month alone.

The man risks a $6000 fine and up to a year's imprisonment
for having interrupted a public service.

On one occasion a train had to wait 33 minutes for the man
to come back from the toilet and give the departure signal.

Tgcom website reports that train company Trenitalia decided
to begin legal action after complaints by passengers and
train drivers.

He's the only employee at the station and every train that
stops there must wait for his whistle before departing
again.

His lawyer said he will bring a medical statement detailing
the man's condition to court but refused to make further
comment.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni went to the doctor and was told to go home and
come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home Anni asked Sam, "What is a
specimen?"

Sam replied, "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Keli.
She's a nurse".

Anni went next door and came back in about twenty minutes
with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and
bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked Sam.

"Damned if I know," Anni replied."I asked Keli what a specimen
was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go poop
in her hat!" And that's when all hell broke loose.

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] F O R D S A V I O R 1 5 0 [||||]

As part of its anti gas guzzler campaign, the Evangelical Environmental
Network is asking the question "What would Jesus drive?" (AP/11/21)

Who knows, but it's a sure bet it would have a statue of mom on the
dash.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni was a very vain person, decided she needed a face-lift. With
her bank balance as large as her soaring ego, she went to several
eminent plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.
The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many
years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doctor told Anni that he had put a screw
behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh
young look. But, he cautioned her, she was to use it only when
absolutely necessary!

Anni was pleased with the device and her vanity prompted it to be
heavily overused, despite the Doctor's warning.

One morning, upon gazing adoringly at her reflection in the mirror,
Anni noticed she had the beginnings of bags under her eyes. Furiously
Anni stormed out and charged into the doctor's office unannounced,
demanding to know why there were bags under her eyes.

The doctor took one quick look at her and replied, "Anni, those aren't
bags, they're your tits, and I can assure you, if you don't stop
turning those screws so often you're going to have quite a beard!"

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A science instructor who told police she wanted to play
hooky tried to cancel her class by phoning two bomb threats
to an elementary school.

"The only excuse was she just wasn't up to teaching a class
today -- just didn't feel like it," said Officer Mark Hyde,
Beaverton Police Department spokesman.

Kimberly F. Haggard, 39, was to teach students kitchen
chemistry during an after-school program run by a contractor
at Scholls Heights Elementary in the city's Murray Hill area,
Hyde said.

Haggard was arrested about 3 p.m. when she arrived at the
school.

Haggard was released after she was cited in connection with
four misdemeanors, including menacing, disorderly conduct,
telephone harassment and initiating a false police report.

She works for Mad Science, a Montreal company that puts on
"entertaining science education for kids" in after-school
programs, said Brad McLean, sales and marketing manager for
the company's Northeast Portland franchise.

Hyde said a woman called the school's front office at 12:35 p.m.
to report a bomb in the school. School staff called police and
the Beaverton School District's security force.

Students left the school as part of a fire drill. Five police
officers and school staff searched the building but found nothing
unusual.

Police also began work to trace the phone calls.

Minutes after the first call, a woman who didn't identify herself
called to ask whether the Mad Science class had been canceled.

A half-hour later, a third call was received. Again, a woman said
a bomb would go off at 3 p.m., the same time Haggard's science
class was scheduled to start.

Police traced the phone call to Haggard, who school staff members
recognized as the instructor.

Students were dismissed on schedule at 2:30 p.m. As a precaution,
the school was evacuated before the caller's 3 p.m. deadline.

Haggard was stopped by police when she arrived at the school about
that time. She admitted to Beaverton officers Dan Bortolin and Craig
Coleman that she made both threats.

"There is a positive note in that everybody did the right thing down
the line," Hyde said.

McLean of Mad Science said he was unaware of any complaints about
Haggard's work. She has no prior criminal record and passed the
company's background check, he said. McLean said he didn't know what
other schools she might have taught at.

"My guess would be that, no, she won't return to work," he said.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What is the definition of a Jewish menage a trois?

Two headaches and a hard-on.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

[Kim's book arrived yesterday in the mail and WOW what an
excellent book...I'd advise you all to check out her site and
pick up a copy for that someone special for Christmas...it
will be appreciated and maybe YOU will get something
special too!]

Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke

My Niece, My Nerves

Ah, the joy of family gatherings during this festive holiday
season. As a young girl it seemed Thanksgiving came before
I knew it and, presto, a feast was prepared and placed on the
table ready to be served.

What fun! So easy!

These days I would not have blamed my mother if she had duct-
taped my mouth together from Thanksgiving until the day after
Christmas.

Having worked a full day, I had the distinct opportunity of
going Thanksgiving grocery shopping with my sister and our
children.

From the moment we all hopped into the car until the night was
over, my seven-year-old niece chatted non-stop. She also sang.
Sadie sang about the road we were driving on, the time, the
trees, dinner last weekend at her grandparents house and bugs
without legs. Sadie also made it a point to count to one hundred
several times. When she was not allowed to speak, she made
noises. Now, I'm a pretty laid back woman who can understand,
appreciate and admire the enthusiasm of a young child.

However�

Thoughts of climbing into the back seat and screaming at the top
of my lungs while my hair flew out of my head came to mind along
with the duct-tape idea. Smiling joyfully on the outside, I was
plotting evil-Aunt revenge on my innocent, sweet but LOUD and
ANNOYING niece. This only goes to prove I am not as grown up
as I thought.

But I digress.

As I pushed the shopping cart down the aisles filled with men,
women, pimply-faced teenage boys, belly-button showing teenage
girls and, oh yes, SCREAMING BRATS, I offered and received smiles
of condolence from and to the mature, thankless ogres of this
generation: A club in which I am proud to call myself a member.
The type of smile that implies, "Are the holidays over yet?"
Then we would each go our separate ways, careful not to let
the wheels of the shopping cart catch our toes and drag us all
under.

By the way, there were no pie shells in the store. What kind of
store does NOT have pie shells stocked two days before Thanksgiving?
And people say we live in an advanced society.

The older I get, the more I have a love/hate relationship with the
holidays. Oh, I still love the 'activeness' of the season, the
lights, the music and the beautiful colors. But the season comes
with a price tag and it takes everything I have to buy into a little
seasonal cheer these days. Sometimes the best things in life aren't
free. But they can be well worth the effort.

But I pro-gress.

In two days my entire family will be together. It's the holidays,
after all: The one time of year where we are guaranteed kinship,
friendship and, oh yeah, reminders of past deeds and grievances.

If you haven't heard from me in a couple of weeks, please call for
help.

--

The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots!
If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in,
there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas.
On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at
[EMAIL PROTECTED]

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