���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> It is Thankgiving Weekend in Canada this weekend...Monday is Thankgiving Day and it is feast time. We're off to the in-laws for a really great feeding... if you have never experienced a meal that a Ukranian woman prepares for special occasions...you have NOT lived! There is more food in every variety that you could imagine. I have never left my in-laws table without feeling stuffed worse than the turkey! We don't do it often...but every meal we have there is an experience! We usually do Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter at the in-laws...and those three meals are the highlight of my year! Speaking of feasting...out here in the middle of Nowheresville, Canada as the fall season approaches...it brings out the "Fall Suppers"...all-you-can-eat of a huge variety of food also. With the communities that surround us...we can go out to a supper every Sunday from the end of September until mid November and each one will be just a little bit different! The one thing that remains constant though is that the food is excellent. Happy Thanksgiving to my Canuck friends, and Happy Columbus Day Weekend to my US friends. Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, SunAmy, Joni, Rubin, Barb, Pat, DA Funk, Colorado Kid. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What's the definition of a computer nerd? A man who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Well, in hindsight.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.48 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.48 I'll have the ... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.144 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.144 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I had run across the term cybersex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1941 Laurence Henry Tribe Shanghai China, Harvard Law professor 1946 Ben Vereen Miami Fla, actor/dancer (Pippin, Roots, Webster) 1946 Charles Dance England, actor (Plenty) 1946 Peter Mahvolich NHL star (Mont Canadiens) 1950 Dennis Holmes actor (Mike-Laramie) 1953 Gus Williams NBA guard (Golden State, Seattle, Washington) 1953 Midge Ure rocker (Dear God, Ultravox-We Came to Dance) 1955 David Lee Roth rock singer (Van Halen-Jump) 1958 John M Grunsfeld Chicago Ill, PhD/astronaut 1958 Tanya Tucker Seminole Tx, country singer/actress (Follow that Car) 1959 Chris Lowe rocker (Pet Shop Boys-Left to My Own Devices) 1961 Martin Kemp rocker (Spandau Ballet-True) 1964 Maxi Gnauck German DR, uneven parallel bars (Olympic-gold-1980) 1966 Kevin Paige vocalist (Don't Shut Me Out) 1973 Mario Lopez San Diego Calif, actor (Slater-Saved by the Bell) 1982 Eddie J Peck Lynchburg Pa, actor (Sutton-Wildside) .....and on this day in history: 1951 Yanks beat Giants 4 games to 2 in world series, DiMaggio's final game (World Series #48) 1957 Braves' Lew Burdette beats Yankees for 3rd time in 1 world series (World Series #54) 1957 Milwaukee Braves beat NY Yankees, 4 games to 3 in 53rd World Series 1957 Pres Eisenhower apologizes to finance minister of Ghana, Komla Agbeli Gbdemah, after he is refused service in a Dover, Del, restaurant 1960 Ron Stewart of Ottawa rushes for CFL-record 287 yards 1961 Otis M Smith appointed to Michigan Supreme Court 1963 Treaty banning atmospheric nuclear tests signed by US, UK, USSR 1964 18th modern Olympic games opens in Tokyo 1968 Detroit Tigers beat St Louis Cards, 4 games to 3 in 65th World Series 1968 George Harrison forms Singsong Ltd 1968 Lee Evans of the US sets 400 meter record at 43.86 1970 Fiji gains independence from Britain (National Day) 1971 1st game played at Philadelphia's Veteran Stadium, Phils win 4-1 1973 VP Spiro T Agnew pleads no contest to tax evasion & resigns 1974 Canadian John Hathaway begins 2-yr ride of 50,600 miles 1974 10101975 Israel formally signs Sinai accord with Egypt 1975 Liz Taylor's 6th marriage (re-marries Richard Burton) 1976 NJ Meadowlands' Giant's Stadium opens 1976 Greece's 98 year-old Dimitrion Yordanidis, is oldest man to compete in a marathon; he finishes in 7:33 1978 British pop magazine "Smash Hits," 1st published 1978 Pres Carter signs a bill authorizing the Susan B Anthony dollar 1978 Yanks & Dodgers play in 75th World Series 1979 Nordiques' Real Cloutier sets NHL record of a hat trick in 1st game 1979 Panama assumes sovereignty over Canal Area (ie Canal Zone) 1980 4,500 die when a pair of earthquakes strikes NW Algeria 1980 Very Large Array (VLA) radio telescope network dedicated 1980 Yanks lose 4-2 & are swept by Royals in the AL Championship series 1981 Anwar Sadat's funeral service is held in Cairo 1982 Pope John Paul II canonizes Rev M Kolbe, who volunteered to die in place of another inmate at Auschwitz concentration camp, a saint 1983 Israel's Knesset votes 60-53 to endorse Yitzhak Shamir as PM 1985 US fighter jets force Egyptian plane carrying hijackers of Italian ship Achille Lauro to land in Italy, gunmen are placed in custody 1986 7.5 Earthquake strikes San Salvador, El Salvador 1986 Israel Prime Minister Shimon Peres resigns 1987 Bruce Springsteen releases his 9th album "Tunnel of Love" 1990 US 67th manned space mission STS 41 (Discovery 11) returns from space 1991 Ex-postal worker Joseph Harris kills 4 postal workers 1991 Greyhound Bus ends bankruptcy 1992 Floriade (Flower Show) closes at the Hague, Netherlands �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man called his attorney and asked, "I hear they are suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer, and now someone is suing the fast food goliaths for making them fat, so what I want to know is.... Can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with ?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Shop til you drop! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure. -Clarence Darrow ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� These ARE My Good Clothes <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct9.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/oct9.htm Possibly Could Be Womans Best Friend <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/56.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/56.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down, when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end... "Hello, is this Bonnie D, we are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey." Without missing a beat, she told them... "I am BUSY, you will have to survey your own briefs." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� "We might as well make it fun" <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.160 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.160 New peg holder... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.192 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.192 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the guy who climbed into the car while we were pushing." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic!] Unbelievable ... it really works! Say the following sayings out loud. Make sure you try to use your best Chinese accent when translating the English to Chinese. First the English Phrase and then the Chinese Interpretation. He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka. This is a tow away zone. No Pah King. Is there a fugitive here? Hu Yu Hai Ding? Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni. Your price is too high! No Bai Nut Ding! Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim? I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni. I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching? Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu. They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum. You know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? I got this for free. Ai No Pei. Stay out of sight. Lei Lo. You have a good sense of humor! Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni! ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Wyoming is known as both the Cowboy State and the Equality State. What event gives the state the latter? A. The first to let cowboys vote B. The first to let cows vote C. The first to let blacks vote D. The first to let women vote <Answers in Next Issue!> 29/10 Last Issue's Answers: What is Lake Manitou's claim to fame? D. It is the largest lake on the world's largest island in a lake. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Effects of Drinking Too Much Water <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11i.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11i.html Body Language <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/028.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/028.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn." "Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull?" asked the salesman. The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing down fences." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! October 10th 2001 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m728.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m728.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� The Idiot Test <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/idiot.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/idiot.html Anna Nicoles Treasure Chest Game <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annanicole.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annanicole.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� [Unavailable this week.] � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Wendy, Keli and Anni always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Anni's. Wendy and Keli why Anni never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when Wendy says to Anni, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Anni, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sam. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if he has an erection?" asks Keli. "Honey," says Anni, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Priceless <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/51.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/51.html T Shirt For Any Occasion <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/miski8.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/miski8.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A children's play has been cancelled in Brazil because a 10-year-old girl was due to appear naked. The show, Miranda, was about to take place at the Santa Cruz theatre in Sao Paulo. But theatre bosses decided to cancel it due to the nude scene. The play's writer, Vladimir Capella, told Estado de SP newspaper: "We have to protest against this censorship, the nudity is just a symbolism. Nothing in the play is vulgar, why is everyone afraid of the human body?" The play tells a story of a homeless 10-year-old girl who dresses like a boy. She finds a magical place where the king is ill and cures him by revealing the hypocrisy of the world and showing him she is a girl. To convince the king she is a girl, the character takes her clothes off and faces the audience. The theatre's direction board and the play's writer both said that they tried to reach an agreement on the naked scene issue but that it was impossible, so the play was cancelled. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] N A S H S T A S H [||||] Former Cheech and Chonger hemp champ Cheech Marin is exhibiting his extensive collection of paintings at an LA gallery. Some of which have charred edged from having been rolled up and smoked. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� On the theory that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that a drug company in Mountain View, California has patented a rub-on cream that is designed to combat sexual dysfunction in women. Vivus Inc. will now ask the US Food and Drug Administration for permission to begin testing the drug, alprostadil, on the female genitalia. The drug is applied topically and enhances orgasm by dilating the blood vessels that feed the clitoris... And it comes with a handy nine-inch ribbed, battery operated applicator. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� It's still there... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.240 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.240 Sheep Pimps... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.272 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.272 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A would-be hostage-taker learned two important rules of criminal conduct early this morning: Don't go into a house where you're outnumbered and don't fall asleep on the job. An 18-year-old man was arrested today after allegedly committing a string of robberies and then breaking into an apartment where he held six hostages at gunpoint. But deputies say after the man had been in the apartment for about two hours, he either fell asleep or passed out. When the occupants of the apartment realized what had happened, they took the man's gun and called police. The incident began at Francesco's Restaurant, when a man with a gun entered about 10:47 p.m. and demanded money, Salt Lake County Sheriff's Lt. Leslee Collins said. An employee told him the money was locked in a safe that she couldn't open. The man, instead, took the woman's purse, car keys and truck, Collins said. From there, the man apparently committed a series of convenience store robberies. The first was in West Valley City. Then just after midnight another convenience store was robbed. Then a 7-Eleven was robbed. In all three incidents, the robber's description matched the suspect from Francesco's, Collins said. Deputies searching for the man spotted the restaurant employee's stolen truck about 1:30 a.m. The driver apparently jumped out of the truck and ran to the Apartments where he entered an apartment that was unlocked. Inside, he found six adult males sleeping and kept them at bay at gunpoint, Collins said. The man, however, allegedly stole beer from some of the convenience stores and apparently had been drinking. About 3:35 a.m. he apparently fell asleep on the couch. The six occupants of the apartment took advantage of the situation and apprehended the man as they called the sheriff's office. Deputies were already in the area looking for the man and arrived at the apartment immediately. The man was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation on a number of charges, Collins said. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for your lives! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� [Kim Burke's column is unavailable this week...instead I bring you a great column by another fantastic humourist!] THE FREE PRESS by dick Wolfsie If you bought my new book, Dick Wolfsie's New Book, I apologize. I say that because anyone with any persuasive powers can get a book for free. I don't mind telling this now, because you still may have time to cash in. Truth is, everyone wants a free book. I know from my last book, Life in a Nutshell. Oh, nobody actually just came right out and said it. Instead, friends came up to me in the street and said: "Hey, Dick, I just heard about your book. I think that's great. You are so funny, so creative, so intelligent. How about a free copy?" Come to think of it, they did just come right out and say it. My writer friends have given me some tips for responses to, "Hey Dick, how about a free copy?" "Hey Ralph, how about 12.95�plus tax?" "Are you familiar with the concept of making a living?" "Does the word 'invoice' ring a bell?" "Sorry, I'm out of free copies. I just gave my last one to another person that I barely know." "Isn't that funny? For a brief moment there I thought you were asking that after I worked every day for two years on this book, you wanted me to give you a free copy which would mean I'd have to reimburse the publisher which means it would cost me 14 bucks. Of course, I must have misunderstood you. What did you really say?" I think people assume that the publisher gives me six or eight thousand copies to give away. The truth is I got 20 free copies. My mother got 18 at 14 bucks apiece, so I guess I do have a little flexibility with my really close friends. The problem is that I have a rather strong personality, so people either think I'm a pretty neat guy-or they would prefer to live in a different time zone. Very few have mixed feelings. So there you have it. My friends think they deserve a free book. The others would rather buy a Firestone tire. I think you see the problem. The funny thing about this is that there are certain businesses where FREE is sort of a given. When I go to Tim's Bar, I do expect a free beer every once in a while. But I seldom go into my local clothing store and expect Tony to say, "Hey Dick, good to see you. Sit down, have a sport coat." I know the guy at the post office as well as my own brother, but the words, "Dick, have a 34-cent stamp on me," are seldom heard. The lady at the jewelry store asked me for a free book, but when I asked her for a complimentary watch band, she seemed a bit put off. The whole concept of free is kind of intriguing. Take a look at some of these phrases� FREE INSPECTION: What they do before they take advantage of you. FREE LOVE: Not cheap, believe me. 50% FAT-FREE: Same amount of fat, but you have to eat twice as much. FREE GIFT: Unlikely, and what's worse, redundant. FREE TV: What you have won as long as you pay $300 in shipping and handling. FREE LUNCH: Once unheard of, now available with a coupon as long as you buy the first overpriced lunch. FREE CHECKING: A fancy name for giving you 2% interest a year instead of 5%. FREE INSTALLATION: Generally means they'll get you on the monthly fee. FREE-STANDING CONDOMINIUM: $300,000 FREE ADVICE: Worth every penny. FREE SPEECH: If you just count the Optimist Clubs, Lions Clubs and Elks Lodges, I've given about 600 of these. If this all seems a bit disjointed, I apologize. You see, I wrote it with a slightly different method. I simply sat down in a big comfy chair and let my mind wander. This is called free association. And now you've paid the -- Dick Wolfsie is a columnist at www.wishtv.com where he works as a reporter. He also has a new book out which coincidentally is called "Dick Wolfsie's New Book." The book is available on the website. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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