���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Welcome to the final edition of Purehumour for this week. I am off for a couple of days...so Purehumour has to go! Also in memory of the victims of Sept 11th...there will be no Purehumour next week except for a special non-humour edition to be sent on Wednesday. Have a safe and happy week...lets hope that this year is not like last year! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Donna, Stan, Peter, Suzanne, Marina, Barb. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Disrespectful... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.980 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.980 Body Parts for money <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.979 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.979 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," Anni answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later Anni returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered Anni wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Raquel Welch Chic Ill (Myra Breckenridge, 1,000,000 BC, 100 Rifles) 1942 Eduardo Mata Mexico City Mexico, conductor (Improvisaciones) 1945 Al Stewart Glasgow Scotland, rocker (The Year of the Cat) 1946 Freddie Mercury rock vocalist (Queen-We are the Champions) 1950 Cathy Guisewite cartoonist (Cathy) 1950 Kathy Cronkite actress (Annie-Hizzonner) 1952 Graham Salmon blind runner (fastest 100m by a blind man) 1954 Hans-J�rgen Gerhardt German DR, bobsled (Olympic-gold-1980) 1956 Sandra Guiboard US AFB German FR, actress (Donna-One Life to Live) 1956 Steve Denton world's fastest tennis serve-138 mph) 1960 Willie Gault bob sledder/NFL receiver (Chicago Bears, LA Raiders) 1964 Kristian Alfonso actress (Days of our Lives, Falcon Crest) 1965 Christopher Nolan Ireland, handicapped writer (Under Eye of Clock) 1967 Michele Ebadi Omaha Nebraska, Miss Nebraska-America (1991) 1969 Dweezil Zappa rocker/son of Frank Zappa/MTV VJ 1973 Tina Yothers actress (Family Ties) .....and on this day in history: 1953 1st privately operated atomic reactor-Raleigh NC 1956 20 die in a train crash in Springer NM 1958 "Doctor Zhivago" by Boris Pasternak published in the US 1958 1st color video recording on magnetic tape presented, Charlotte NC 1959 Wash Senator Jim Lemon is 7th to get 6 RBIs in an inning (3rd) 1960 Cassius Clay captures the olympic light heavyweight gold medal 1968 21 killed by hijackers aboard a Pan Am jet in Karachi Pakistan 1970 Estimated 15 cm (6") of rainfall, Bug Point, Utah (state record) 1971 NY Mets Don Hahn hits 1st inside the park homer at Phillies Vet 1972 11 Israeli athletes are slain at Munich Olympics 1972 Chemical spill with fog sickens hundreds in Meuse Valley Belgium 1975 Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme attempts to assassinate Ford in Sacramento 1975 Wings release "Letting Go" 1977 Cleveland Indians stage 1st "I hate the Yankee Hanky Night" 1977 Voyager 1 (US) launched toward fly-by of Jupiter, Saturn 1978 Sadat, Begin & Carter began peace conference at Camp David, Md 1979 Earl of Mountbatten funeral held in Bruma 1980 World's longest auto tunnel, St Gotthard in Swiss Alps, opens 1982 Eddie Hill sets propeller-driven boat water speed record of 229 mph 1983 8th Space Shuttle Mission-Challenger 3-lands at Edwards AFB 1983 Elmer Trettr sets record for highest terminal velocity at 201.34 mph end of a 440 yard motorcycle run from a standing start 1984 12th Space Shuttle Mission (41-D) -Discovery 1- lands at Edwards AFB 1986 NASA awards study contracts to 5 aerospace firms 1986 NASA launches DOD-1 1988 Jerry Lewis' 23rd Labor Day telethon raises record $41,132,113 1988 CFL's Earl Winfield (Ham) scores TDs on 101-yd punt return, 100-yd kickoff return & 58-yd pass reception 1989 Deborah Norville becomes news anchor of the Today Show 1990 Iraqi Pres Saddam Hussein urges Arabs to rise against the West 1991 Actor John Travolta weds Kelly Preston 1991 US trial of former Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega begins �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Wendy, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over." "Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear" "Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?" "Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over." "That's right. Over and out." They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please." "Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear." "OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?" "Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program." "That's right, Pig 2. Over and out." An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Wendy, come in. Wendy do you read us?" "Wendy here, reading you loud and clear." "Wendy, do you remember your instructions?" "Yes," Wendy says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� You can visit them next week while I am away! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. -Garfield ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Problems Begin With Men <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/premen.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/premen.htm Oh Shit <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha8.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha8.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? ...it makes your nose look too long." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Surprise Doc!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.978 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.978 Getting sent... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.976 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.976 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard. TOURIST: Hello. JEWISH MAN: Hello. TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed. JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel. TOURIST: What's a Mohel? JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions. TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?! JEWISH MAN: So what would you want me to have in my window? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� When Paul and Tony met each other on the street one day, Paul noticed that Tony had a terrible cold. "Have you seen a doctor about that cold?" Paul asked. "No," said Tony, "But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?" Paul gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and Paul wasn't sure if the cold was really better. "Did you see my doctor?" Paul inquired. "Oh, yeah," Tony replied. He was a really nice guy!" "Well, did he give you something to help your cold"? "Sure did!" Tony answered, somewhat enthusiastically. "He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath." "Well, did it help?" Paul asked hesitantly. "How do I know?" Tony retorted. "I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Because of upcomin break...I'll leave off the trivia until I return! Last Issue's Answers: Oceans cover 71 percent of the earth, which specific ocean covers more of the earth's surface (32.4 percent) than all of the earth's entire land area? A. The Pacific. --- What is a nautical camel? B. Float used as a fender. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Would It Upset You If ??? <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha9.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha9.htm Reality 2 <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/35.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/35.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 5th 2001: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m712.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m712.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Bush Perfume <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj6.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj6.htm Strip BlackJack With Jodi <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjodi.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjodi.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� One of the most common driving disorders is the Passive-Aggressive driving personality, first described by Sigfried Ford, the co-founder of Fordian Auto-psychology. The most sure way to make a passive-aggressive driver speed up is to try and pass them. They automatically, and almost involuntarily at times, accelerate when someone tries to pass them. Dr. Ford theorized that the phenomenon was due to a perceptual misconception of the time-space continuum. The patient feels as though he/she is driving at an adequate speed. However, when someone tries to pass their slow-moving butts, they perceive themselves to be travelling even slower than they thought. This initiates a reflex to the right foot to cause them to accelerate. Once the attempted passer gives up and returns behind them, though, the stimulus to maintain acceleration is lost, and they return to the slower continuum. Dr. Ford is adamant that this is an irrepressible reflex the passive aggressor cannot control-it's either a reflex or they just may be jerks, which is probably an inbred condition. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Do you fly? Do you listen to the safety spiel? Or do you talk to your travelling companion, read the in-flight magazine or listen to your Walkman? Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture a bit more entertaining in an attempt to get your attention. On a few recent flights I was entertained by patters much like these. So, when I received these examples reported as "real", I was inclined to believe them. And, if they aren't real, they should be. As we prepare for take off, please return your tray tables and seat backs into their full upright and most uncomfortable position. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane. Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. Well, folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern. Thank you for flying with us. We hope you have enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?" "No. I always did that." "That must have been before you had women's liberation." "No, it was before we had baby bottles." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Bowel Movers <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/36.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/36.htm Cheap Pantyhose <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/40.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/40.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A German couple was robbed at knifepoint after two men broke into their car as they were having sex. The robbers broke into their BMW car which was parked at the side of a road in the Slovak capital, Bratislava. The 43-year-old car owner was forced to hand over 50 euros and a purse while the thieves held a knife to his girlfriend's throat. Daily newspaper Narodna Obroda reported that police have arrested one man suspected of the crime but are still looking for the second. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� We were called out on a home burglary late one night. Female resident was complaining of her bedroom being burglarized while she was out. The rookie was writing the report. Only 2 items stolen, a 9 mm handgun and a set of Ben-WA balls. The woman didn't care about the gun and didn't notice it was missing until he asked. She was very agitated about the Ben-WA and went to great lengths describing them, saying that her husband had bought them for her for company when he was on trips and she really was looking forward to them that night. I could say that she was really hot ... <grin> The rookie didn't crack a smile - police professionalism at its very best, while I am turning red from suppressing laughter. When we left the home I complemented him on his coolness during that interview - and he asked me what Ben-WA balls were. Naivety is refreshing but of course no person in law enforcement remains so for long. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] H A P P I L Y E V E R A F T E R I N G [||||] Mike Skakel, Ethyl Kennedy's black sheep neph, drew 20 to life in the Camelot Clink for golf clubbing gal pal Martha Moxley when both were pampered sociateens. (AP) Following long standing family tradition, the Kennedys will seek an annulment of the sentence from highly placed Vatican operatives. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Doctor challenge <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.977 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.977 Just an excuse... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.965 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.965 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� I am a Deputy with the Kent County Sheriff's Department in Kent County Grand Rapids Michigan. On Saturday February 23, 2002 we had a 16 year old kid that decided to enter an attached garage to a ranch home in a residential neighborhood to steel bottles of beer from a refrigerator. There were several problems with his plan. First of all, he decided to do it at 5:10 pm in broad daylight. He parked a bicycle in the street two houses away. Of course, all the neighbors were home since it was a weekend day, including the victims. He took a backpack, climbed a fence, and entered through the back door of the garage, which was closed but not locked. The home owner heard a noise in the garage and decided to investigate since he has had beer stolen from his refrigerator before. He found the kid standing there with a back pack full of long neck bottles of beer. The kid ran out the back door. The homeowner ran out the front door and spotted the kid running around the house to the front yard. He chased him down. The kid made it to his bike with the heavy load but the home owner caught him and tackled him in the street. Both of them ended up with road rash. The kid struggled, kicking and punching the homeowner and then spraying him with mace from his pocket. The homeowner held him down on the pavement until his wife and other neighbors called the police When we arrived, he was taken into custody. His jacket was laying on the ground next to the bike along with some broken bottles of beer. In one of the pockets was a mini cassette recorder. The kid recorded a narrated account as to what he was doing that day, from where he was riding his bike down the road, where he parked it, how he went around the back side of the house, jumped over a fence, and "going in to rob the old man," in his own voice. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you get when you have sex with an infected person in Seven-Eleven? Slurpees! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Incidents And Accidents by Kim Burke Vacation: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? My husband, Richard, and I have been planning our first REAL vacation together. I knew he had truly made a commitment when he brought home non-refundable airline tickets and said I could go buy new clothes. There is a God and God loves me big time! As time begins to draw near and vacation is so close I can almost take off without the plane wings, little interesting developments are beginning to take place as to challenge our road to vacation bliss. Two weeks before vacation: I notice my car is running a tad on the hot side. This car has run well for four years BECAUSE I have taken such good care of it. This car was finally paid off last month. Now, before you go laughing at my lack of knowledge concerning vehicles, please note: This is NOT my field of expertise. I took my car to one of those speedy, quickie, oily, lube places, which, let's face it, have never worked in more than once sense of the word. I believed I needed to have my oil changed. Normally I am a tyrant about oil changes but I thought, with all of the fuss over getting ready for the trip and the busyness of everyday life, I had let it get out of hand this ONE time. The nice, dim, quickie boy relates he put two pitchers of water in my car and I should have my radiator checked. I noticed, driving home, my car over-heating situation was getting none too better but I just wanted to get home to Richard so he could check it out. In a nutshell: Two weeks before vacation, we have no car to drive to the airport. Nor do we have a car to drive out of town with. We barely have a car to drive home in. We've just invested one thousand dollars into my side business and it will probably cost that much to get the car fixed. But my husband insists we are going on vacation come hell or high water. I think the hell and high water parts are winning. During the weekend after our car failure, we are able to use Richard's employee's car to get around in. How lame is that? One week before vacation: Richard, along with his upholstery business, runs a U-Haul business on the side. Therefore, one week before vacation, Richard gets home from work driving a U-Haul � Not just for furniture anymore! We had such a glorious trip to the mall to purchase clothing, accessories and new luggage for our vacation. One great thing about having to drive a U-Haul around: You don't forget where you parked. What it all boils down to is we are leaving on Sunday to FLY on an AIRPLANE to have a VACATION and we do not even have a drivable CAR to come home to. If life were any more backwards, orgasms would be accomplished by rubbing noses together and babies would be born through the ear canal. When it comes to taking a vacation, whatever happened to having extra spending money, getting a new hair-do - and I say do because it 'don't' right now - and purchasing reading materials and Xanax for the plane ride? As an aside, we are also remodeling our house, which is one hundred years old, so we can move in by the end of April. This house has a bathroom without the NECESSITIES of a bathroom and this house includes a kitchen without appliances. Just for kicks, we aren't even halfway through sheet rocking the walls in the living room and this is the only room we've worked on thus far. I'm beginning to get concerned. -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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