���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> This is the final issue for this week...I will not be sending out a Friday edition. This issue also helps to empty out my joke archive a little as I dug deep into the thousands and thousands of joke files that I have accumulated. It is amazing how much space is devoted to the operation of my ezines...but it makes the preparation of each issue that much easier! I will be announcing the winner of the Purehumour contest next week... the announcement will probably be made in Tuesday's issue. Have a great weekend. Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, DA Funk, Marina, Colorado Kid. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What do you get when you cross hot dogs with bobcats? Sausage Lynx ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� One Cold penguin... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.218 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.218 Bondage Fun <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.242 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.242 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� David Letterman's Top 10 Canadian Euphemisms For Sex: 10. Playing mountie 9. Fur trapping 8. Making Peg whinny 7. Entering parliament 6. Pulling the goalie 5. Doin' it, eh? 4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba 3. High sticking 2. Stuffing a beaver -- the beaver is our national animal 1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Jean Ratelle NHL center (NY Rangers, Boston Bruins) 1941 Chubby Checker singer (The Twist) 1945 Viktor Saneyev USSR, triple jumper (Olympic-3 gold/1 silv-1968-80) 1946 Bob Dotson St Louis Mo, newscaster (Primetime Sunday) 1947 Lindsey Buckingham rocker (Fleetwood Mac-Rumours, Tusk) 1950 Pamela Hensley Glendale Calif, actress (Buck Rogers in 25th Century) 1951 Dave Winfield baseball outfielder (NY Yankee) 1951 Kathryn D Sullivan Paterson NJ, PhD/astro (STS 41-G, 28, 31, 45) 1956 Hart Bochner actor (Supergirl, Die Hard) 1959 Jack Wagner rocker/actor (General Hospital, Santa Barbara) 1962 Tommy Lee Greece, rock drummer (Motley Cr�e), wed Heather Locklear 1963 Patrick Flatley Ontario, right winger (NY Islanders, Oly-4 gold-1988) 1969 Shane Butterworth actor (Timmy-Bad News Bears) .....and on this day in history: 1950 1st black lead (Ethel Waters) on TV (Beulah) 1951 Bobby Thomson HR-The Giants win the pennant defeating Dodgers 1952 1st video recording on magnetic tape, LA, Ca 1954 "Father Knows Best" premieres 1955 "Captain Kangaroo" premieres, Good Morning, Captain! 1955 "Mickey Mouse Club" premieres 1955 Soviet battleship "Novorossiisk" strikes WW II mine in Baltic Sea 1960 SF's White House dept store 1st to accept BankAmericard 1960 Yanks win 8-7, ending season on a 15 game win streak 1961 "Dick Van Dyke Show" premieres on CBS-TV 1961 "Mr Ed" premieres 1962 Wally Schirra in Sigma 7 launched into Earth orbit 1965 Whitey Ford notches #232 to become Yankees winningest pitcher 1967 William Knight sets X-15 speed rec of 7,297 KPH/4,534 MPH/Mach 6.72 1968 Military coup overthrows Pres Fernando Bela�nde Terry in Peru 1970 Baseball umpires call their 1st strike 1971 Billie Jean King became 1st female athlete to win $100,000 1972 Spaceflight 71-2 launched; 1st flexible substrate photovoltaic flown 1972 Steve Carlton wins 27th game for Phillies (almost � of their 59 wins) 1974 Bundy victim (?) Nancy Wilcox disappears in Salt Lake City, Utah 1974 Frank Robinson becomes baseball's 1st black manager (Cleve Indians) 1974 Watergate trial begins 1975 George Harrison releases "Extra Texture" album in UK 1978 Gold hits record $223.50 an ounce in London 1981 Irish Nationalist at Maze Prison near Belfast end 7-mo hunger strike 1982 Cox 4 rowing record set at 12:52 for 99 miles (Geneva, Switzerland) 1982 Record 11,763 start a 186 mile cross-country race near Stockholm 1982 Scott Weiland runs Detroit marathon backwards in less than 5 hours 1983 Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson release "Say, Say, Say" in UK 1985 21st Shuttle Mission (51J)-Atlantis 1-all-military flight launched 1986 Soviet Yankee-class sub sinks off NC, 3 die 1987 Michael Pruffer of France skis 135.26 MPH at Portillo, Chile 1988 26th Space Shuttle Mission, Discovery 7 returns to Earth after 4-days 1988 Lebanese kidnappers release Mithileshwar Singh (held for 30 months) 1988 WBMW-FM, Wash DC changes calls to WJFK & begins airing Howard Stern 1989 Panamanian Defense Force attempted coup of Manuel Noriega fails 1990 East Germany & West Germany merge to become Germany 1990 George Brett becomes 1st to lead league in batting in 3 decades 1990 Tiger Cecil Fielder becomes 11th, to hit 50 HRs (& 51st) 1990 Florida record store owner Charles Freeman is found guilty of obscenity, for selling 2 Live Crew rap records �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� John, Greg and Paul made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed. John one went in, while Greg and Paul stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. Then Greg went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When Paul went in, the girl screamed! About an hour later the girl came out moaning. John asked "Wow, how did you do that?" Paul, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head". ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Time to shop! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "The truth is more important than the facts." -Frank Lloyd Wright ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Staff Notice <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070208.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070208.html PEBCAK <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070209.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070209.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord. The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps. "Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize." Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� When things are rough... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.250 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.250 Enlarge that sucker... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.262 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.262 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered, "Insanity." The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� The only thing wrong with religions that have all the answers is that they don't allow questions... ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Not surprisingly, a number of American can trace their Hispanic routes back to Mexico. However, what is the next largest group? A. Puerto Rico B. Cuba C. Spain D. Dominican Republic <Answers in Next Issue!> 29/09 Last Issue's Answers: Which people were the first to utilize precise surgical techniques? B. The Greeks � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Pooping On People <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070210.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070210.html Do I Talk Too Much? <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070211.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070211.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> "Name?" asks the interviewer. "Me, Tarzan." "Married?" "Wife, Jane." "Any children?" "Son, boy." "Tarzan your first or last name?" "Me, Tarzan, King of the Jungle." "And Jane's whole name? "Jane's hole named Pussy." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Oct 3 2001 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m724.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m724.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river. A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat straight up and asked the pharmacist - "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 3 <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blpuzz4.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blpuzz4.html A Blonde Connects The Dots <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz3.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz3.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� What to do (or not do) if a cop pulls you over . . .continued. 4. Be courteous. The cop has been waiting for you all day, and you tried to get there as fast as you could. Play nice. 5. If you can't find your license, do not try to offer something with Alexander Hamilton's picture on it instead. Offer at least twenty bucks. 6. Never argue with the cop. You know how you get when you're drunk. Anything you can say will be used against you. 7. You've finally found your license (expired) and you have no clue where the registration for the vehicle is. Open the glove compartment to look-but only if you're concealed weapon is not there, nor the bag of grass that "your friend" accidentally left there. Rummaging through the glove box will buy you some time-the officer doesn't have all day to waste on you. Time you spend looking is time he's not writing. 8. If you're female and you cry, you'll look pathetic and the officer might give you a break. If you're male and you cry, you'll just look pathetic. � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?" The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!" The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic!] A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them each a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000.00 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was very impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then ... he ... very logically ... married the one with the biggest tits. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The Right Answers To Give <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070204.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070204.html Look No Hands <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog19.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog19.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Residents in a US town face prosecution if they bare more than one third of their buttocks in the street. Women have also been ordered to cover at least one quarter of their breasts. Daytona Beach Commissioners in Florida voted 6-1 for the new law, despite a protest outside City Hall. The ruling doesn't apply to the town's beach, which is controlled by Volusia County. One opponent, Errin Porter told The Daytona Beach News-Journal : "It's not up to the city to tell me what I should wear. Who do they think they're fooling? "This isn't about nudity. It's about the strip clubs and Bike Week." The paper says nudity, particularly women exposing their breasts, has been an issue at special events such as the town's Biketoberfest, which is due to take place from October 17 to 20. Commissioner George Burden told the paper: "I feel comfortable with this ordinance because it's not addressing the beach. We're regulating what's going to be on our streets." Independent candidate for governor Bob Kunst, said: "The policing of this thing is insane when we're dealing with things like terrorism." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem." After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] H O R I Z O N T A L H O L D [||||] Walter Annenberg, 94, the William Randolf Hearstesque founder of TV Guide, faded to permanent black at his 210 acre spread in Wynnwood, PA. (AP) His memorial service is scheduled for Friday, 12 o'clock Eastern, 2 Central and 3 Pacific. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .... CLICK ....empty. The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! " The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Evening Prayer... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.266 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.266 What a offer... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.270 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.270 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� Meticulous planning is not a strong point for suspected armed robber Alvin Biggs, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office. Biggs reportedly used a small-caliber pistol April 13 to persuade a clerk to open a cash drawer at a store where the clerk said he scooped up $47 in small bills and fled. That part of the early morning robbery went well, with the suspect reportedly running northbound and evading responding sheriff's deputies. But investigators said Biggs left behind his wallet, containing his state identification card, and the clerk identified him from the photo. "I think we should send the videotape to that 'stupidest criminals' television program," sheriff's Lt. Joe Berkery said. Biggs, 26, has an extensive criminal record, according to state law enforcement files, and he has served prison time for armed robbery with a deadly weapon. He lives on McClure Road, Pahokee, according to the ID card, and Pahokee police have been alerted to look for him, Berkery said. Biggs could not be reached for comment. "We'll do our best to keep an eye out for this genius," said Pahokee police Capt. Tim Kenney. "He shouldn't be hard to spot." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What's the difference between a lesbian and a Firestone tire? The tire will eventually go down on you. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� [Kim Burke's column which usually appears in this space is not available this week...Kim must be out promoting her new book!] Mondays by Lynette I just want to go on the record here as saying I do NOT hate Mondays. Mondays are great. Mondays are full of potential. Mondays mean beginnings, new hope and plans for the future. On Monday, it is possible. I start diets on Mondays. On Mondays, I start exercise programs. Mondays mean the planning of cleaning and rehabilitating my home and yard. On Monday, I know that my children will go off to school everyday with a hot breakfast in their tummies, clean clothes on their backs, words of encouragement in their ears and new ideas in their heads. I have tried to figure out why Mondays are so great and I think I may have finally found the answer. I'm not awake. Having had my two children close together, I am quite familiar with the effects of sleep deprivation. Experts have likened it to some forms of psychosis. With the hallucinations, memory blanks and speech difficulties, it's even similar to many illegal street drugs. If I'm not fully awake, I don't experience the hunger cravings as strong nor do I feel the pain from working out. Nothing really gets on my nerves too much because I'm in an altered state. No, Mondays are fine; it's Tuesdays I hate. When the alarm goes off on Tuesday morning, I wake up. Really wake up. Everything hurts. I'm starving. There is no clean laundry and the milk has gone bad. The kids are lucky if they get to school on time and for show and tell, they teach their classmates how to spell Mommy's new words. In their lunches, they find a $5.00 bill and a diet meal bar. Reality hits on Tuesdays. I realize that I have to do Monday for five times in a row. Carbohydrate cravings have turned me into a lunatic and I decorate the exercise bike with wet laundry. Everything I cleaned on Monday is now dirty and I don't even care. Bills arrive on Tuesdays but paychecks wait until Fridays. Repairmen are scheduled on Tuesdays but usually don't show up until Thursdays but that means Tuesdays are spent waiting and I HATE to wait. It's like the grieving process for me to get through a week. On Monday, I'm full of hope, I know I can beat this thing and I'm ready to take on the world. On Tuesday, I'm in despair, completely depressed and in full denial that the week actually has a full seven days in it. Wednesdays finds me resigned. Yes, I have accepted my fate. Life goes on and so must I. It is with grim determination that I make the Wednesday meals. As God is my witness, I will make it through this week! Thursday is bargaining day. If you'll just give me a little more time, I know I will finish Monday's projects by the end of the day! Just a little more laundry soap will finish this load, just a little more energy to complete the workout. Please just give me five more minutes before I have to pick up the kids! Friday gives me new direction and a new optimism. Starting tonight, I will have help. My husband will be home to help me with our children. My family can help me with my projects and we can make workouts fun! No homework on the weekends so we'll have quality time with each other. Then, the drugs wear off as the alarm goes on and I pray for the effects of sleep deprivation to return. -- Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com. She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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