���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Enjoy the weekend....we are off for a few days in the big city of Edmonton, Alberta...going for a couple of rounds on The Mind- bender, gonna see the #1 movie in Canada (take a guess) and just gonna have some fun and relaxation....no kids...just a long weekend with my wife...does it get any better than that? Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Jack, Keli, Wayne, Laura, Mark, John, D. A. Funk, Ruth. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to forget where you left it! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Captain in trouble... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627 Just the truth... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 0 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href=" http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ">Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1950 Tess Harper actress (Amityville 3D, Tender Mercies) 1955 Larry Mathews Burbank Calif, actor (Ritchie-Dick Van Dyke Show) 1957 Zeljko Ivanek Yugoslavia, actor (Mass Appeal) 1960 Maureen "Peanut" Louie Harper SF, tennis player (Denver-1985) 1960 Tommy Aldridge heavy metal rocker (Ozzy-Diary of a Mad Man) 1961 Matt Johnson rocker (The The-Infected Soul Mining) 1964 MCA (Adam Yauch) rocker (The Beastie Boys-You Gotta Fight) 1967 F DeLorme Roche Jr. Roanoke, Virginia. Bartender extrodinaire (Guru of life, love & Libation) .....and on this day in history: 1950 8.6 quake kills over 1,000 in Assam, India 1952 9" of rain fall creates a 20' wave in Lynmouth, England killing 34 1957 David Simons reaches 30,942 m in Man High 2 balloon 1957 USAF Capt Joe B Jordan reaches 31,513 m in F-104 jet fighter 1960 Chic Bears beat NY Giants 16-7 in Toronto (NFL expo) 1960 Congo (Brazzaville) gains independence from France (Natl Day) 1960 Mil Brave Lew Burdette no-hits Phila Phillies, 1-0 1960 UFO is sighted by 3 California patrolmen 1962 Shady Grove Baptist Church burned in Leesburg Georgia 1964 Phillies triple-play NY Mets 1964 Race riot in Dixmoor (Chicago suburb) Ill 1964 Ralph Boston of the US, sets then long jump record at 27' 3�" 1965 Beatle's Shea Stadium concert 1966 Radio Free Asia (South Korea) begins radio transmission 1967 England's Marine Offense Bill making pirate radio stations a crime goes into effect, pirate station Radio 355 closes down 1968 Pirate Radio Free London, begins transmitting 1969 Woodstock Music & Art Fair opens in NY State (Max Yasgur's Dairy Farm) 1970 Patricia Palinkas becomes 1st woman pro football player (Orlando) 1971 Bahrain gains independence from Britain 1971 Pres Nixon announces 90-day freeze on wages, prices & rents 1973 Black September kills 3 wounds 55 Athens 1974 Longest team (6) trampoline bouncing marathon (1,248 hours (52 days)) 1974 South Korean President Park Chung-Hee escapes assassination 1975 Joanne Little acquitted of murder charges 1978 House of Reps approves (233-169), 39-month extension for ERA 1979 Andrew Young resigns as UN ambassador 1981 Robin Leamy of US swims record 7.98 kph for 50 m 1986 Pres Reagan decides to support a replacement for the Challenger 1987 US beats Cuba in the Pan-Am baseball 1988 At 4PM LILCO consumers used a record 3,813 megawatts 1988 NYC begins $70 million program to rebuild 900 Bronx apartments 1991 750,000 attend Paul Simon's free concert in Central Park 1992 Colombo '92 closes in Genoa Italy �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Greg pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Greg guessed, 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, Greg returned the station with his buddy Sam, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. Greg guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Greg said to Sam, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex." Sam replied, "No, it ain't rigged - - - my wife won twice last week." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Any more and you must be rich! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail." -Abraham Maslow ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Computer Uses For Women <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph15.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph15.html New Study <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph16.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband Brave Intelligent Gentle Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� They're in for a suprise... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629 Flipping the bird... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Computer Prayer "Oh, Lord, please let my data be properly stored, and not lost in the abyss of cyberspace. Keep Thou my CD-Roms from blanking out, and my hard drive from crashing. May my uploads be swiftly accomplished and my downloads virus-free. Deliver me from hackers, and from pop-up ads, and all such spam as displeases Thy eye. Soften the hearts of those who would entice me to restructure my debt, or lead me down paths of unrighteousness with pictures of college girls and farm animals, that they may see the error of their ways and abandon their avaricious and lacivious pursuits. Lord, I ask that Thou keepest power flowing to my CPU, and protect it from surges. Order my pixels according to Thy divine plan, and hold back the dust from inside my mouse. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing! Get Paid to read email: <a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Wendy and Keli were discussing their sex lives. Wendy turns to Keli other and says, "you know, sex with James lately has just gone down the tubes. Neither one of us is ever in the mood and we just aren't clicking any more." Keli replies, "I know what you mean. Greg and I used to have problems too. So we decided to try some S&M." "Really?" Wendy asked shocked. "Yeah," Keli says, "he snores while I masturbate." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Personally, I don't mind paying 37 cents now to mail a letter. Actually, I was even thinking of donating some money to the Post Office. I am hoping they will use that donated money to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word "fragile" ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Where did the capital city of California get its name? A. It is named for angels B. It is named for the anglos C. It is named for a river which was named for the Christian sacraments D. It is named for St. Francis of Assisi --- Which country has NOT laid claim to New Orleans? A. France B. Spain C. England D. USA <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is unique about Canada's coastline? C. Longest in the world --- If a crew member is told that he is sporting the "commodore's privilege" this means what? D. His fly is open. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Human Flag <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks5.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks5.html Low Budget Computer <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks6.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks6.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every time." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Tetris <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tet.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tet.html Topic Tangle <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ttangle.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ttangle.html ���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------��� As I mentioned before, most people don't stop at STOP signs, but rather pause. Even worse is a red light whereupon the driver intends to turn right on red. In this case, not only may the turning vehicle not stop and not pause, but the driver may actually accelerate. The signs that say no turn on red should simply be taken down. No one pays attention to them and they make more a mockery of the DOT than the pause signs that have been misspelled. There are several specific instances where drivers will stop at an intersection (regardless of signage.) 1. If there is a police car at the intersection and the driver is not drunk. 2. If the crossing vehicle is larger and more reckless. 3. If the driver runs out of gas. 4. If the driver breaks his axle on a pot hole. 5. If the light has changed green and the cell phone conversation is just too engrossing. 6. If there is a pedestrian crossing who weighs more than their car, or the likelihood of a dent is high if you strike the pedestrian (such as if a wheelchair is involved.) � 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden. ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000 jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much more...all for the taking! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three men go to a hotel and order a room with three beds. When they get to their room they find out that there is only one bed in there. They are too tired to go complain so they decide to sleep in one bed. The next morning the man on the left side of the bed says," I had a dream last night that someone was pulling on my penis." The man on the right side of the bed says," I had the same dream." Then the man in the middle says," That's funny because I had a dream I was milking cows." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Interesting Name for a Ranch <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks7.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks7.html Goldilocks and the Three Hairs <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks8.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks8.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A shop owner near Cincinnati is refusing to serve customers whose underwear is visible. Glenway Pony Keg grocers owner Linda Keppler says the fashion for low-slung jeans with underwear showing offends her. A sign on the door of the shop in Covedale reads: "Keep your pants up and your underwear out of sight or no service." WCPO.com quotes her as saying: "I figured that if shoes and shirts are supposed to be worn in the store, why can't pants be pulled up also?" She added: "Some child came in with his pants like that and I said, 'You'll have to pull your pants up before I serve you' and he said, 'Is that the law?' and I said, 'Yeah, my law.'" Customer Brandon Wessell said: "If I'm gonna go in there and spend money, why does it matter how I'm dressed?" Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!" After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet." The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!" Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon. She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!" She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?" The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] Q U O T H T H E R A V E N [||||] Oxford ornithologists studying a crow named Betty discovered the clever beakster is capable of tool making, considered the top rung on the animal intelligence ladder. (AP) Here's hoping they'll get to work on some airborne toilet facilities. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two men are in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" Second guy says "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees." Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?" "Yes!" The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ">Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Looking good... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.631 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.631 It's all about defence... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.632 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.632 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy? Dry Martinez. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Incidents And Accidents by Kim Burke The Back-To-School Blues Please pardon my current state of depression. In one week the kids will be going back to school. Can you explain something to me? I cannot understand the buckets of tears I have been shedding in knowing I will no longer hear the phrase 'I'm bored'. It has caused much creativity on my part. I'll miss it so much. (Sniff) There have been nights of insomnia and desperate angst when the realization hit: There will be several hours less of hearing comments such as 'Stop it', 'I'm telling' and 'Mom said you can't wash my hair in the toilet'. It will be so hard to cut those apron strings. Washing dishes and several loads of laundry per day will be reduced, as will the grocery, electricity and water bills. Life can be so challenging. The kids will come home from school, finish homework, eat dinner, bathe and have to go to sleep at a reasonable hour from now on. And I'll get my computer back. Darn it. What is truly outrageous is the fall season tends to enhance my mental capabilities thus enabling the ability to complete my work efficiently and in a timelier fashion. Plus, I'll have to wear clothes that cover up all unexercised body parts and spend more time browsing antique shops and taking nature walks in complete and utter silence. I'm not sure my heart can take it. It is so hard to let go. Goodbye kids! Have fun at school. I will be right here counting the minutes until you come home because I am not sure I can make it through the day without hearing 'I want', 'I need', 'Mom, can I�' and 'Jessica's mom lets her ride her bike to the store by herself - you're unfair'. I'm sure I'll manage. Somehow. Some way. With less broken home d�cor, peanut butter imprinted doorknobs and mud-tracked carpets, I don't know what I'll do with myself. I just pray I can get through this last week without cracking up, I mean, breaking down in front of them. The End. (Sigh) "Hey, Annie, did you finish your article?" "Yes, Bill, just give me a minute and I'll help you in the kitchen with dinner." Meanwhile, in secret� "Thank you, God, for helping me get through the summer. If you will make this last week pass quickly, I promise I will not call my mother and blame her for being the reason I have all of these kids being she is the one who prayed for grandchildren, which caused my birth control to become defunct. Amen." -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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Check out: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! 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