"Politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department of
Elder Affairs. They're changing the name to the Department of Aging. Have they
thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people will be calling the DOA."
- Jay Leno
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We'll Protect You!
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=eaac65459fc68ab6325599a9942d3d7b
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FDA APPROVES SALMONELLA
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fda_approves_salmonella
Calling it "perfectly safe for the most part," and "not nearly as destructive
or fatal as previously thought," the Food and Drug Administration approved the
enterobacteria salmonella for human consumption this week.
The federal agency, which has struggled in recent years to contain the
food-borne pathogen, and repeatedly failed to prevent tainted products from
reaching store shelves, announced Monday that salmonella was now completely
okay for all Americans to enjoy.
"Rigorous testing has shown that salmonella is...fine," FDA director of food
safety Stephen Sundlof said. "In fact, our research indicates that there's no
need to pull any more foodstuffs from the market. Not raw chicken. Not
contaminated spinach. Not thousands of jars of harmful peanut butter. Not
anything."
"It's approved," Sundlof continued."Healthy, delicious salmonella is finally
approved."
Following the announcement, the FDA released a 20-page report, which included
evidence that salmonella is barely more dangerous than other live-culture
products such as yogurt, and results from a clinical trial which found that
participants who ingested salmonella were totally fine for up to three minutes.
...
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"By the way, Rush Limbaugh, as you know, is the new face of the Republican
Party. Have you seen this guy? I mean, he looks like he's carrying octuplets."
- David Letterman
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REPUBLICANS: The Older White Meat....
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Rush To Failure?
http://www.democrats.org/page/-/images/content/billboard_landingpage_alt.jpg
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Rush Limbaugh Challenges God To Debate
http://www.smthop.com/article.aspx?newsnum=1187
Coming off a week that saw conservative icon Rush Limbaugh back down GOP
Chairman Michael Steele and mock President Obama for not accepting a radio
debate offer, Rush has pushed the envelope even further, challenging the
almighty creator of all to the debate to end all debates.
"I'm gonna wipe the floor with God," Rush said on his radio show earlier today.
"Natural disasters, the collapsing economy, liberals in the Whitehouse, Family
Guy still on TV while Buffy the Vampire Slayer is gone... I've got some serious
issues with what God has allowed to go on under his watch."
With Rush riding as high as he has ever ridden (at least since a pain killer
addiction in 2003), it is possible that he feels that by defeating God, he can
take his place as the most revered and worshiped being on the planet. ...
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Michael Steele Drops By....
http://tinyurl.com/adqj59
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Did I hear wrong, or did the unofficial leader of the Republican Party say that
we're after "life, liberty and the pursuit of percosets"?
(via Bill in Portland Maine)
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"Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny little
portions" of food served at White House functions. Apparently, Obama will do
anything to keep Rush Limbaugh as far away from the White House as possible."
- Pedro Bartes
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Leadership Vacuum
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=19d9b943cabb6112caeddc693c3fb25e
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Rush Limbaugh.... the most saturated fat on the planet.
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"The Republican Party says they want a big tent. They want to be all-inclusive,
they want the big tent, and they're going to make it out of Rush Limbaugh's
pants."
- David Letterman
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Rush Limbaugh Returns
http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/rush_limbaugh_returns
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Vitter Goes From Hookergate to Gate-Crashing
http://www.rollcall.com/issues/54_100/hoh/33055-1.html
Among Members of Congress, there's a long-standing, proud tradition of the
Airport Freakout. Add to the list of those who've indulged in meltdowns and
temper tantrums while traveling one Sen. David Vitter, who on Thursday joined
what we've dubbed the "Mile-Low Club" by going ballistic on an airline worker
after missing a flight from Washington’s Dulles airport to New Orleans.
According to an HOH tipster who witnessed the scene, the Louisiana Republican
arrived Thursday evening at his United Airlines gate 20 minutes before the
plane was scheduled to depart, only to find the gate had already been closed.
Undeterred, Vitter opened the door, setting off a security alarm and prompting
an airline worker to warn him that entering the gate was forbidden.
Vitter, our spy said, gave the airline worker an earful, employing the timeworn
"do-you-know-who-I-am" tirade that apparently grew quite heated.
That led to some back and forth, and the worker announced to the irritable
Vitter that he was going to summon security.
Vitter, according to the witness, remained defiant, yelling that the employee
could call the police if he wanted to and their supervisors, who, presumably,
might be more impressed with his Senator's pin.
But after talking a huffy big game, Vitter apparently thought better of pushing
the confrontation any further. When the gate attendant left to find a security
guard, Vitter turned tail and simply fled the scene. ...
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Well, he IS a Republican congressman; maybe a cavity check is what he was
hoping for....
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Hopefully, once his tantrum was through, someone changed his diaper.
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you without the diaper and the hooker...."
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Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/sleazy_health_insurance
Offering low annual deductibles and negotiable premiums for college students
and redheads, officials from sleazy medical insurer Vance's Health Plan
announced Tuesday they would begin covering any routine check-up or medical
procedure they can sit silently and watch.
"VHP offer a range of choices to meet the needs of individuals, couples, two
women, two men, a pair of ebon beauties, and families," president and CEO Vance
Shelton said. "Even if you have a preexisting obesity condition, you can still
receive full coverage. We got a guy who's into that."
According to promotional brochures, the plan will also cover any generic
medications that will make you loosen up and slip into this.
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Nosedive
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=609e47c725024b7c57c6bef9a7a4103b
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"The Border Patrol said Monday Americans spent forty billion dollars on cocaine
last year. That's twenty billion less than Americans spent per year on cocaine
back in the late Seventies. Baby Boomers now get forty percent off with the
AARP card."
- Argus Hamilton
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If A Tree Falls In The Woods....
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=a8af15f834633b979c5255a4c7d88af2
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Bristol Palin & Levi Johnston Break Off Engagement
http://tinyurl.com/bhkubp
Sarah Palin's 18-year-old daughter Bristol has reportedly broken off her
engagement with Levi Johnston, the father of her 2-month-old son Tripp. It's
surprising because in an interview just last month with FOX's Gretta Van
Susteren, Bristol said the 19-year-old Levi is a hands-on dad and that they
planned on marrying after finishing their education.
But in a new interview with Star Magazine, Levi's sister Mercede Johnston says
Bristol actually broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending
school and rarely lets her baby daddy see their young son. Mercede also says
Bristol even told him that she hates him and, when she learned she was
pregnant, wished the baby wasn't his.
Mercede told Star: "Bristol's just crazy. That's the nicest way I can put it.
She and Levi actually broke up a while ago!" ...
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Surprised by the news, Joe the Plumber expressed the concerns of many in red
state America:
"You mean, there won't be commemorative plates? Damn!!! And I had an empty spot
right next to Prince Charles and Princess Diana!"
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Are you telling me the Palins don't have a shotgun in the house?
And they call themselves rednecks.... pffft.
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Sarah Palin: More Earmark Hypocrisy
http://tinyurl.com/alz55n
On the campaign trail last year, Alaska's Republican governor, Sarah Palin,
sold herself as a crusading reformer who despised earmarks--those federal
spending projects that Capitol Hill legislators of both parties slip into
appropriations bills. Though her claim to have turned down an earmark for the
now-infamous Bridge to Nowhere was debunked by assorted media outlets, she kept
on insisting that if she were elected vice president, she would lead a charge
in Washington against earmarks.
That was then. The omnibus spending bill that President Barack Obama signed on
Wednesday includes earmarks that Palin sought. ...
.. One hundred earmarks in the bill, worth a total of $143.9 million, are
tagged for Palin's state.
Asked by Mother Jones about the Alaska earmarks, Bill McAllister, Palin's
communications director, pointed to Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) and Rep. Don
Young (R-Alaska) as responsible for these provisions. But in an email, he noted
that a "few of [the Alaska earmarks] were requested directly" by Palin. ...
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The Palin family reminds me of a monster movie.
Just when you think it's finally gone.... it's not.
**********************
The Leading Contenders
http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=ea6f5781a233bb1a9ede95dbff30e07e
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