���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! What's orange, furry and a total pain in the ass? A kitten! And guess what we got yesterday! Now having a kitten is not so bad in a normal household...but in the Croft household...NOTHING is easy...so now our six-year spoilt rotten housecat has her nose totally out of joint as this little furball has moved in on her sacred territory! Things that were so simple in the past have now become major problems....the food and water dish were hers alone and now this little orange thing from Hell has moved on them....to make matters worse...the older cat is so pissed at the kitten that her tail wags constantly....and guess what little kittens think of wagging tails! The cat has had all it can take....if suicide was an option...I think she'd take the easy way out! I figured when I get home tonite the house will be destroyed and only one will have survived! The pleasures of having a family! Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, SunAmy, Cathy, Cindy, Rubin, Pat, Keli, Barb. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Funny Billboard. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621 Accidents happen... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.622 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.622 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Morris comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds Leroy, his black chauffeur, screwing his wife Becky. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" Becky turns to the chauffeur and says, "Didn't I tell you he wouldn't believe it until he saw it ...black on white." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1952 Debbie Meyer US, 200m/400m/800m freestyle swimmer (Oly-gold-1968) 1952 Mark C Lee Viroqua Wisconsin, Major USAF/astronaut (STS-30, sk:47) 1956 Sharon Bryant vocalist (Atlantic Starr - Touch a 4 Leaf Clover) 1957 Jackee (Harry) Winston-Salem NC, actress (Sandra-227) 1958 Earvin (Magic) Johnson NBA star (LA Lakers) 1961 Susan Olson actress (Cindy-Brady Bunch) 1965 Emmanuelle B�art St Tropez France, actress (Manon of the Spring) 1965 Lynette Falls Ridgewood NJ, Miss NJ-America-1991 .....and on this day in history: 1958 Canadian Football League plays 1st game (Winnipeg 29, Edmonton 21) 1958 Cleve Indian, Vic Power steals home twice in 1 game 1958 KLM Superconstellation crashes west of Ireland, killing 99 1959 AFL organized with NY, Dallas, LA, Minneapolis, Denver & Houston 1961 Phila Phillies lose 17th straight game 1962 French & Italian workers break through at Mount Blanc Vehicular Tunnel 1962 NASA civilian test pilot Joseph A Walker takes X-15 to 60,000 m 1962 US mail truck in Plymouth, Mass robbed of more than $1.5 million 1965 Beatles tape an appearance for the Ed Sullivan Show 1965 Continental Football League plays 1st games 1966 1st US lunar orbiter begins orbiting the Moon 1967 Pirate radio stations Radio 270, Radio London, Radio Ireland, Radio Scotland & Radio Swinging Holland go off the air 1969 British troops intervenes militarily in Northern Ireland 1969 NY Mets fall 9� games back, later to win the pennant 1970 City University of NY inaugurates open admissions 1971 Bahrain proclaims independence after 110 years of British rule 1971 British begin internment without trial in Northern Ireland 1971 St Louis Cards Bob Gibson no-hits Pitts, 11-0 1972 East German Aeroflot Illyushin 62 crashes near Moscow, killing 156 1973 Johnny Unitas files $725,000 suit against Balt Colts 1973 US bombs Cambodia 1974 Congress authorizes US citizens to own gold 1977 77,691 see NY Cosmos beat Ft Lauderdale Strikers 8-3 at Giant Stad 1978 French TV announced a rating of "0" for a program about an Armenian's woman's 40th birthday, (comp: Napoleonic drama-67%, Knockout-33%) 1979 Rainbow seen in Northern Wales for a 3 hour duration 1981 George Foster hits his 8th HR into the red seats at Riverfront 1982 Pete Rose (Phillies) 12,365 at bat sets record (passes Aaron) 1984 IBM releases MS-DOS version 3.0 1986 Phillies & Pirates play a 6 game series in 4 days 1990 Angel's Louis Palonia is 74th to hit an inside the park grandslam 1990 Denver vote for a 1% sales tax to pay for a baseball franchise 1991 Comedian Jackie Mason marries his manager Jyll Rosenfeld (37) �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� 1. ASIDE FROM GETTING STERILIZED, YOUR BIRTH CONTROL OPTIONS ARE: a. one b. almost a dozen 2. WHEN PARKING YOUR CAR IN A PUBLIC GARAGE, YOU: a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant b. hand your keys over politely 3. YOU HAVEN'T SHAVED IN 4 DAYS. THE RESULTING STUBBLE CAN BE CONSTRUED AS: a. sexy b. gross 4. AT THE DOCTOR'S, A COMMON REQUEST WOULD BE: a. "Cough." b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?" 5. AS A SPORTY PERSON, YOU NEED ATHLETIC SUPPORT WITH: a. one cup b. two cups 6. WHEN YOU'RE FEELING INSECURE, WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR BEST FRIEND IS: a. nothing b. "Do I look fat?" 7. YOU'VE SLEPT WITH SEVERAL HUNDRED PEOPLE, ONE TERM USED TO DESCRIBE YOU WOULD BE: a. sports legend b. tramp 8. THE AGE IT HITS HOME THAT JUNK FOOD WILL DEVASTATE YOUR BODY IS: a. 35 b. 14 9. WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORDS "HAND WASH," THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND IS: a. your car b. panty hose 10. IT`S The Seventh Game Of The Playoffs, Bottom Of The Ninth, Score Tied. Bases Are Loaded With 2 Outs. The Man At Bat Has A .311 Average Against Southpaws, And The Pitcher Is A Lefty. YOUR MATE TURNS TO YOU AND SAYS, "DO YOU WANT A BACK RUB?" YOU ARE: a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question b. daydreaming 11. YOUR IDEA OF BASIC PUMP IS: a. an athletic shoe made by Nike b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva 12. MULTIPLE ORGASMS ARE SOMETHING YOU: a. give b. get SCORING a = 1 point b = 2 points 0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday. 13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Signs? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature." - William Rotsler ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Natural Bra <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph17.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph17.html Sexy Legs <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw10.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw10.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Anni down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Anni was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively. He found Anni and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Sam began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Sam, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Anni, "I'm just trying on the sneakers." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Duh!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.623 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.623 Keyhole time.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.624 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.624 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A guy says to his girlfriend, "Do you know the difference between a conversation and making love?" The girl says, "No." "Then lie down," the guy says. "I wanna talk to you." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What is unique about Canada's coastline? A. No natural harbors B. More natural harbors than any other country C. Longest in the world D. Shortest in the world --- If a crew member is told that he is sporting the "commodore's privilege" this means what? A. He is about to get a promotion in rank. B. He will be first in the chow line. C. He gets to light the cannon to fire the first shot. D. His fly is open. <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Canada's TransCanada highway bears what distinction? A. Longest highway in the world --- President Abraham Lincoln made a great contribution to boating. What was it? B. He invented a device to lift grounded boats off sandbars and shoals. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Dear John Letter <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks1.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks1.html Faking It <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks2.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks2.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> From a friend: As a single, never-married woman in my 40's, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Whom are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20's, relatives would say, "Whom are you dating?" In my 30's, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Several nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the burning building via the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?" "No, of course not," the nun replied, "don't you know old habits are hard to break?" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Click N Slide <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickslide.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickslide.html Remove His Shorts <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/reshorts.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/reshorts.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The harried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Good Day At Work <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks3.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks3.html Did They Really Have To Know <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks4.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks4.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Connecticut man has been charged with trespassing for allegedly cutting a neighbour's lawn because he thought it was an eyesore. Kenneth Costello was charged with first-degree criminal trespass after the owner of a Milford business complained someone trimmed his trees and cut his grass without permission. Police say Costello, who runs an adjacent business, had previously been told to stay off the premises. The 49-year-old is due to appear in Superior Court in Milford on August 27, reports the New Haven Register. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] F L E S H J U N C T I O N [||||] Peep-O-Rama, Time Square's last $1 a booth porn palace, has shuttered it green doors, a victim of the Big Apple's downtown cleanup campaign. (LA Times) Causing an immediate dip in gray overcoat sales. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, " My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place 'The Jolly Roger'" The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place 'Big Johns'". They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 300 acres" . Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?" "Notink" Irving says. "Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. ". . . Downtown Dallas." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Read it out loud. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.625 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.625 Did you notice... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.626 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.626 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Back in the 1800s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up. One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?" Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them. "C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why don't homosexuals like chess? Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com -------- DisInfotainment Today! "Not Affiliated in Any Way!" ISSUE #15 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Memo to Moms Next time you want some crack, don't send your 11-year-old kid out to get it for you. Y2K - The Sequel In two years, 12-digit bar codes on absolutely everything are going to change to 13-digits. Are you prepared? Is your corner store? Yeah, right. That Should Take Care of the Problem The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. Bumpersticker of the Week "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps." OBL Watch Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 330. Dear Dr. Hollywood, I am working on this Civil War story and I am having a dialogue problem. The way people wrote during the Civil War is, I'm sure, much more interesting than the way they spoke. Is there some kind of formula for combining the beautiful prose of, say, the letters in Ken Burns' Civil War series with realistic sounding dialogue for contemporary audiences? What is the balance? thanks, Leonard Leonard, . The best Civil War dialogue I've ever heard is in the film Glory, so I'd give that a listen. I just wrote a historical novel that takes place in 1910 so I know what you're going through. I decided accuracy was overrated. As an example, let's look at the word "gay," which up until the 1960s meant "happy." After winning a major battle, you would be entirely historically accurate to have Ulysses S. Grant say something like "I feel so gay," but I wouldn't recommend it for obvious reasons, unless you want a laugh. What you have to do is walk the fine line between realism (sounding real) and naturalism (actually real). All stage actors learn this. In film, you can act naturalistically because you're miked and the camera's up your nose, but on stage nobody will hear you. You've got to project your voice to the back of the auditorium, which is unnatural but realistic if done right. Same with writing. Go for realism while simply avoiding obvious anachronisms. Let people talk the way you want them to talk. MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. August 12, 2002 Forwarded E-mail from Satan I already got that e-mail and you are damned to hell for sending it to me again. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, or chagrined by the United States Government and it's moronic leadership. After all, I'm responsible for all of it. I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit for I am Satan. What the hell's the matter with you? You expect me to give up all this just because your head was finally separated from your congenital twin's ass? Keep it to yourself. I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, and I will not count my blessings. I live in Hell and I like it. That patriotic photo with the flag and the eagle and the buildings and the jet fighter and the smoke and the subtle hint of retaliation and strength and violence yet to come? I will "never forget" that you sent it to me. Expect the coals in your stockings this Christmas to be white hot. I've seen the new map of Afghanistan, I've seen two children of any given ethnicity holding hands. I have seen fat ladies in thongs and tennis players with their tits hanging out and soccer players with their dicks hanging out. I saw the lady kick the baby, the bungee jumper crap his pants, the monkey smell his finger, and the missing scene from Spiderman. You cannot make George W. Bush's face look any more ugly or pathetic or scary by moving it around with Photoshop. If you are sending me a joke for which the set-up is two items with set prices and the punchline is a third item that is "priceless," you are hereby ordered to treat your genitals as Enron documents and place them gently in the shredder. You've got money you need to get out of Nigeria? Why not shove it up your ass? (Remove your head first) I will not be starting or stopping the consumption of any product or service due to the information you have provided me. I know what's good for me and I like the stuff that's bad for me so fuck you. I am not the idiot you seem to think I am. Everything you are offering me for free has shipping charges that are mysteriously 10 times the worth of the item. I will not submit any data for market research just because you say you're giving away a car. What good's a car in Hell? I don't need a diploma to know that Bill Gates isn't going to send me $40 if I make the mistake of forwarding your messages, but I'll be sending you a little special something in the afterlife. I will not sign up for whatever affiliate program you've got in your e-mail signature, especially if it's got anything to do with real estate. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be and I've seen enough naked little girls to last me for all eternity. You are one sick puppy. I don't want to know what it's like to be you. Change your homepage to http://www.isucksatansdick.com. Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. I don't visit him in heaven though he's a frequent visitor to Hell. I see him all the time so I don't need you quoting him to me. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet, and my pitchfork is itchin' for some baby butt. God is a hoax and so am I. My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I don't want my fortune told, and if you are trying to sell me software that perpetuates the very fraud you are foisting upon me, I have ways of making your hard disk floppy. I saw the End of the Internet page before it was in that fucking commercial and it wasn't particularly funny the first time. Pictures of funny foreigners are Xenophobic and get me off. Send more of those. Thank you for your time. Please re-write this as you see fit, attribute it to Dave Barry, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Ted Nugent, or George Carlin and then forward it to everyone in your address book. ART FROM HELL People in the UK are donating their dead bodies to a traveling corpse show. SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW If you're at the beach, don't fall asleep in the water or you may wake up with a barnacle stuck to your penis. QUOTES FROM HELL "I can't believe they made another Ernest movie!" - Zach Galifianakis on The Importance of Being Earnest - "They should have Croc Hunter Steve Irwin wrestle her." - Howard Rosenberg on The Anna Nicole Smith Show - "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." - George W. Bush to Tony Blair - "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right." - Thomas Paine - "It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep be." - Virgil - "Great knowledge sees all in one. Small knowledge breaks down into many." - Chaung Tzu - "You're nobody if you don't get booed." - Bob Dylan - "The only success with which a writer might be meaningfully concerned, is how successfully his or her adjectives exude their flavors, his or her syntax drums out its cadence, his or her metaphors eternalize their phrases, or whether or not, when their nouns meet their verbs, the verbs yell out, 'Gotcha, baby!' For the task of the writer is not to attain recognition or reward but to meditate upon our passing world and, through the working magic of language, awaken in the solitary reader a sense of wonder at that world." - Tom Robbins - "Making people laugh is the lowest form of humor." - Michael O'Donohue - Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! ****NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW**** Free Big Tit Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=22&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=22&u=purehumour Free Black Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=5&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=5&u=purehumour Free Blonde Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=6&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=6&u=purehumour Free Bondage Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=52&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=52&u=purehumour Free Brunette Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=7&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=7&u=purehumour Free Camgirls Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=102&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=102&u=purehumour Free Cheerleader Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=23&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=23&u=purehumour Free Cheerleader Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=111&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=111&u=purehumour Free Cumshot Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=24&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=24&u=purehumour Free Cumshot Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=108&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=108&u=purehumour Free Ebony Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=25&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=25&u=purehumour Free Ebony Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=94&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=94&u=purehumour Free Exhibition Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=8&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=8&u=purehumour Free Fetish Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=26&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=26&u=purehumour MORE adult sites: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! The BEST Lists around: Purehumour (the Original)-Sent Almost Daily: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Purehumour</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> PHWeekly (Purehumour Lite) - Sent Saturdays Subscribe: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">PHWeekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> Weird News Ezine (A clean look at bizarre news) - Sent Saturdays <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Weird News Weekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> To cancel (unsubscribe) from these mailings...please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com ">Unsubscribe Page</a> These are the worst jokes in history...the jokes that were banned from Purehumour...get them now! Send a blank email to: <this is an autoresponder> <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Banned Jokes</a> Archives at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a> Website: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ">Homepage</a>
