���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Enter every day...YOU could be the lucky winner of a personally signed book by Kim Burke! <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Dede, Keli, Ishy, Barb, Rubin, Almero, Pat, Jack. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What do you get when you cross a girl with braces with a power tool? A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Down under- up Over <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.602 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.602 The chip grows... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.603 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.603 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1950 Lane Davies actor (Mason-Santa Barbara, Impure Thoughts) 1951 Barry Van Dyke Atlanta Ga, actor (Lt Dillon-Battlestar Galactica) 1951 Evonne Goolagong Cawley Australia, tennis player (Wimbeldon 1971) 1953 Hugh McDowell chelloist (ELO-Telephone Line) 1957 Dirk Blocker LA Calif, actor (Baa Baa Black Sheep, Ryan's Four) 1957 Irina Nazariva USSR, 4 X 400m relay (Olympic-gold-1980) 1957 Victoria E Cooke Hollywood Ca, playmate (Aug, 1980) 1958 Wally Kurth actor (Days of Our Lives) 1962 Kym Malin Dallas Tx, playmate (May, 1982) 1962 Sandra "Sweetness" Hodge basketball player (Harlem Globetrotters) 1963 Norman Cook rocker (Housemartins-Happy Hour, Over There) 1973 Jerry Rivera Puerto Rico, spanish singer .....and on this day in history: 1953 Dept of Health, Education & Welfare created 1954 Mil Braves' Joe Adcock sets record of 18 total bases (4 hrs, 1 double) 1960 Elijah Muhammad, leader of Nation of Islam, calls for a black state 1961 2nd All Star Game of 1961 ends 1-1 due to rain at Fenway Park 1962 Federation of Malaysia formed 1963 Cleve ties record of 4 consecutive HRS (Held, Ramos, Francona, Brown) 1964 Al Parker glides 644 miles without any motor 1964 US Ranger 7 takes 4,316 pictures before crashing on Moon 1966 Alabamans burn Beatle products due to John Lennon's anti-Jesus remark 1966 Charles Whitman wounds 46 & kills 5 at University of Texas 1968 Beatles close Apple Boutique, giving clothes away for free 1969 Mariner 6 flies past Mars 1969 National Guard mobilizes in racial disturbances in Baton Rouge, La 1970 Chet Huntley retires from NBC, ends "Huntley-Brinkley Report" 1972 Chic White Sox Dick Allen hits 2 inside-the-park-homers in Minn 1972 Thomas Eagleton withdraws as Democratic VP candidate 1973 ABA Virginia Squires trade Julius Erving to the NY Nets 1973 Delta Airlines DC-9 crashes in fog at Logan Airport, Boston, killing all but one of 89 aboard. Lone survivor dies 6 months later 1978 Gunman shoots his way into the Iraqi Embassy in Paris 1978 NY Yanks now 7� out of 1st, picked up 7 games in previous 2 weeks 1979 N Chernykh discovers asteroids #2402 Satpaev & #2416 Sharonov 1980 John Phillips of the Mamas & Papas is arrested on drug charges 1980 Soyuz 37 crew returns to Earth aboard Soyuz 36 1981 42 day old, 2nd major league baseball strike ends 1981 Arnette Hubbard installed as 1st woman president of the Natl Bar Assn 1982 46 kids & 7 adults die as 2 buses & several cars collide in France 1984 US men's gymnastics team won team gold medal at LA Summer Olympics 1987 Rockwell International awarded contract to build a 5th shuttle 1988 Miami Dolphins beat SF 49ers 27-21 in London 1988 Willie Stargell became 200th man inducted in Baseball's Hall of Fame 1990 Nolan Ryan becomes the 20th major league pitcher to win 300 games �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately." The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem." "Damn," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� When things break down...they really break down...I'll get it back soon! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid. -Lady Bird Johnson ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Bass Player... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.604 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.604 Love affair <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.605 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.605 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said: "Grow your own dope." How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message... "Plant a man." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Final Ultimatum <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw8.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw8.html Why I Don't Go Fishing2 <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish2.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish2.htm Kitty and the Litterbox <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010202.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010202.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some deep thoughts..... The clumsy lens grinder? He fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. The dry cleaner wanted to go an a date, but found he was too pressed for time. The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going down the drain. The cement finishers union was going to go on strike, but all the workers threw in the trowel. The square dancers were going to procrastinate, but they never got around to it. If psychics really know what the winning lottery numbers are, why are they still working? If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox? If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm? If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites? If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal? If you are lazy two days in a row does that mean you have achieved some kind of parallax? If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax? Do two normal people make one paranormal? Some people think I am naive and apathetic. I simply don't know what they mean, and I really don't care. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino! My mother told me not to yell through the screen door.... she did not want me to strain my voice. If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative? You are unique.... just like everybody else. When the gas station attendant offers to top off my gas tank, I find I am very tankful. When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself? When you come to the end of your rope, it is just the beginning... When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing? There is no prophet in atheism... Are two dice a paradise? If the African yak spins in circles till it gets dizzy, is that called an afro-dizzy-yak? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for football games, going to the beach and bar-b-ques. He created night for going dancing, sleeping and bar-b-ques. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for fishing, swimming and bar-b-ques on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for bar-b-ques. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created the animals: lobsters, steak and prawns for bar-b-ques. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created an man - to go to the football game, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bar-b-ques. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this man was lonely and needed someone to go to the football game, swim, drink beer, eat and stand around the bar-b-que with. So God created buddies, and God saw that they were good men. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God saw that the men were tired and needed a rest. So God created women - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and Clean the bar-b-que. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling bar-b-ques, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the men and women, smelled the aroma of grilled steaks, lobster and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was damn good...IT WAS CANADA! ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� If a ram is a ram, and an ass is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What is the dominant symbol of the Canadian flag? A. Northern lights B. Stars C. Sun D. Leaf --- Which is the true fact about birds' sleeping habits? A. They need very little sleep B. They need a lot of sleep C. They sleep about the same amount as the average human D. They never sleep <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Vancouver, British Columbia, is the third largest metropolitan region in Canada. It is located on what land formation? D. Peninsula --- How many eyelids do birds have? D. Three � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Beat that egg... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.606 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.606 Spooky... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.607 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.607 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking. "Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?" "Naturally, a hobby I got , I'm a bee keeper." "Well, you must live in the country then." "Nope, right here in the city...in Brooklyn." "Really? You must have a large house then." "Nope, apartment." "Geez, where do you keep'm?" "A shoe box in my closet." "A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?" "Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts ?" "Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!" " So screw'em, I hate bees." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Beware of Dog <a href=" http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/3.html ">Click</a> http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/3.html Inexperience <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/b8.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/b8.htm Thats Some Soda <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06h.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06h.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Faces <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.608 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.608 Where else can he be? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.924 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.924 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police are investigating an Italian couple for keeping their neighbours awake by having loud sex five or six times every night. Residents in Pegli say the couple's bed screeches for 30 minutes each session and starts up again minutes later. They took an audio tape of the racket before a judge to prove they hadn't had any sleep since the pair moved in the flats complex two months ago. A local judge has ordered police to make a formal investigation to see if any offence is being committed. A residents' group wrote to the judge: "When they are both at home, that's to say in the nightly hours, they manage to make love almost endlessly, for maybe 5 or 6 times a night, for well more than half an hour per session and with very brief pauses between their sessions. "Their sex is also very loud, and their bed makes screechy noises which are very hard to cope with." Tgcom website reports the couple, whose names have not been revealed, have refused to comment. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" I said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue what had just happened. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] E N V I R O N M E N T R E Q U I R E M E N T [||||] GOP pollsters are advising their big business butt kissing, oil drilling, corporate slime supported clients that unless they show a modicum of interest in the Endangered Species Act, back to nature voters will eschew them in droves come November's ballot ballet. (LA Times) Not welcome news to a group of land rapists who still think the Spotted Owl is a cigar. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Going out.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.925 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.925 Strange beliefs... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.926 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.926 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some Limericks: There was a young lady from Exeter So pretty the men strained their necks at her But one was so brave To pull out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. There once was a man from Van Isle Who said jogging just wasn't his style. "I'll get my workouts," he said, "At home, in my bed, 'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!" Said a woman with open delight "My pubic hair's perfectly white I admit there's a glare. But the fellows don't care They locate it more quickly at night." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't? One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� "Not Affiliated in Any Way!" ISSUE #13 A Letter from Tom Robbins Thanks to all the German speakers among you, we now know that in last week's letter, Tom Robbins said "Ich bin krank," which means "I am sick." A free breakfast at the "Amnesty International House of Pancakes" for all who answered correctly. (Try the banana republic waffles, they're to die for, or the Darryl Strawberry crepes and sign the petition to have him pardoned.} BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Good Thing?/Bad Thing? Terrorists in Europe are blowing up discos instead of embassies. HR2592, the States' Rights to Medical Marijuana Act, amends federal law so that states that wish to permit the legal use of marijuana as a medicine for seriously ill patients may do so, without interference from the federal government. Okay, I'm ambivalent about this because if you smoke the same pot and you're not seriously ill, you still go straight to jail. If you admit you drink beer, people don't automatically assume you're an alcoholic, but for some reason when you admit you smoke pot, people automatically assume you're a pothead. Ain't so. I drink beer and smoke pot recreationally. I'm not addicted, easily go months without either, and only use them when appropriate. (Please don't tell me you watch Adam Sandler movies straight) Anyone who wants to call me an alcoholic or a pothead can go fuck themselves. Now imagine you're a dark-skinned black man in the south in the '60s. There's a law stating black people have to sit at the back of the bus. Now imagine that a law is passed allowing light-skinned black people to sit wherever they want. Even though all your light-skinned black friends were saying "Hey, chill out, it's a step in the right direction, don't worry, you're next," you'd still think the new law was ludicrous because it continued to allow bus drivers to judge people by the color of their skin. YOU still had to sit at the back of the bus. That's how I feel about HR2592. An unjust law is being fixed in such a way that it has no effect upon ME whatsoever. I can still go to jail for getting myself in the mood to watch Adam Sandler. Obviously I'm not selfish enough to stand in the way of sick people getting their medicine, so I'm for HR2592, conditionally. It's still bad law. Marijuana should be legal for absolutely any adult, even if all that's sick about them is their sense of humor. Best Reason to Go Fishing If you eat salmon because it's full of heart-healthy omega-3, perhaps you should know that more than 50% of all salmon sold in the U.S. is farm-grown with almost no omega-3 at all. Stopping Anesthetics and Pain Killers by Poisoning the Planet The Colombian government has announced that on July 28, 2002, it will begin a massive campaign of aerial spraying of illicit coca plants in the southern Colombian state of Putumayo. Spray campaigns in Colombia, which use glyphosate-based herbicides, have caused widespread damage to crops, ecosystems and human health. The campaigns are supposed to target large producers of coca and opium poppy (the raw materials for cocaine and heroin), but the main victims are small farmers and indigenous communities. She Still Won't Fuck You Jennifer Lopez is filing for divorce. Only in America As rescuers worked to save nine miners trapped in a Pennsylvania coal mine, other rescuers were working to save nine minors trapped in a confessional in New Jersey. Mail Bag Paul Croft forwarded issue 11 to someone in Switzerland and got the following reply: Hi Paul Just wanted to say I really liked the piece on US foreign policy. It's dead on about making the US more and more unpopular. I live in Switzerland, and I have never in my life (47 years) known the European popular opinion to be so anti-American. Clinton was pretty popular here despite his faults, but Bush is probably the least popular president ever. His new plans for an informant in every neighborhood take the US one step further to being one of those totalitarian states that are either despised or supported depending on how it fits foreign policy. Or are they Bush's plans at all? A common opinion here is that he is not over-endowed with intelligence, and is just a puppet... John OBL Watch Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 316. Dear Dr. Hollywood, I've got a great idea for a movie that I know would be successful. Unfortunately, I don't know how to write a script. Any chance you'd co-write it with me in exchange for a piece of it? Thanks, Rudy Dear Rudy, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. Sometimes I sit down to write something that I'm getting paid for. Those are good times, and I always try to satisfy the assignment as creatively as possible. Sometimes I sit down to write something that I'm not getting paid for, something like, oh, this letter, or a novel. When that happens, I'm doing it for one of two reasons. a) I've volunteered to help people and I like writing letters because it jumpstarts my real writing by getting those fingers moving, or b) I'm writing something that has sprung from the deepest darkest depths of my dangerously demonic soul, something that can only be expressed through writing my brains out without the slightest consideration of salability, accessibility, or even coherency. That's it. I don't write for free for any other reasons. The sad fact is no professional writer would do what you ask without pay because that is what we do for a living. Think of us like bricklayers who use words. Try finding someone in construction who will build you a wall for free just because it's a cool wall. They'll tell you the same thing I'm telling you. We don't care how good your idea is because it doesn't make any difference to us. We're laborers who do what we're told. Hell, I'll turn your idea into a screenplay even if it's crap as long as you pay me because that's what I do for a living, and by the time I'm done with it, it will be fantastic, whether it started out as crap or not. You get the drift. Please don't feel insulted. I know you don't know any better, but people in Hollywood who try to get writers to work for free by offering them a piece of the action are called con artists. Pay someone or just write it yourself. MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. July 29, 2002 5. Four soldiers at Fort Bragg killed their wives but NBC still won't cancel Friends. 4. Qwest Communications International Inc. expects to restate its earnings for 1999 to 2001 because of accounting errors, including not billing George W. Bush for all those cell phone calls to Saddam Hussein planning out the next mid-east war. 3. Nine tons of dead squid washed ashore in La Jolla, CA, on the same day that Lance Armstrong coasted across the finish line on the Champs-�lys�es, winning his fourth consecutive Tour de France. Coincidence? I don't think so. 2. Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is pushing Congress to pass President Bush's economic agenda, which includes free lemonade for Hitler, still in the 3rd level of hell. And the number one person going to hell this week... 1. Zacarias Moussaoui says he's innocent unless innocent means "not guilty" in which case he's guilty. Personal to Jim: Now there's ice cream in hell. Personal to Carl: Now there's air conditioning in hell. ARITHMETIC FROM HELL Israel murders 12 times as many civilians as the PLO. LAWSUITS FROM HELL A black family is suing Pizza Hut because they were refused service. Says Pizza Hut: "We were out of cheese." A fat guy is suing four different fast food chains for making him fat. LEGISLATION FROM HELL There's a bill before Congress that allows hacking of P2P sites. George W. Bush pushed a bill that gives the dictator, oops, president power to make trade deals that Congress can only ratify or reject, not change. The Homeland Security Bill denies the staff collective bargaining rights. QUIZ FROM HELL As the last national election proved, we're not a democracy, but are we a communist state? Check off all that apply... The Communist Manifesto 1. Abolition of private property 2. Heavy progressive income tax 3. Abolition of all rights on inheritance 4. Confiscation of property of all emigrants and rebels 5. Central bank 6. Government control of Communications and Transportation 7. Government ownership of factories and agriculture 8. Government control of labor 9. Corporate farms, regional planning 10. Government control of education. QUESTION FROM HELL "If pro and con are opposites, is progress the opposite of congress?" - Paul Harvey - In the past 10 years, the Securities and Exchange Commission has turned 609 of its most offensive offenders over to the Justice Department for potential criminal prosecution. Of those, only 187 ended up facing criminal charges. And of those, only 87 went to jail. QUOTES FROM HELL "How dare you print my letter last week without permission! Remove it immediately." - Connie Lingus - "Changing my name doesn't solve the problem, you bastard. Take down the letter of mine you printed last week!" - Dick Head - "All right, I've had enough of this. You do not have permission to use this letter in your rag, no matter what name you use." - Cardinal Richelieu - "I am equally disturbed when you take my words without asking as I would be to find my neighbor rummaging through my garage." - John Gotti - "Satan is a brilliant writer - you are lucky he even pays attention to you." - Martha Stewart - " " - Helen Keller - "I would be happy to add to any one of your columns." - Saddam Hussein - "Stay out of this, you putz." - Ariel Sharon - "People, people, you've got to learn to control your anger." - OJ - "No you don't. Beat the living crap out of him." - Dalai Lama - "I would say more but I'm afraid you'd quote me with a gag attribution that would turn out to be my real name." - Keanu Reeves - "I did not have sex with Keanu Reeves." - Tom Cruise - "Yes you did." - Nicole Kidman - "Please change my name on that last letter, and keep Bill Clinton away from my cigars." - Winston Churchill - "I did not have sex with Tom Cruise." - Bill Clinton - "Yes you did." - Keanu Reeves - "I am getting kinda annoyed at the pissing contest that is going on here!" - Billy Bob Thornton - "That's not what you said on our honeymoon." - Angelina Jolie - "Show and tell is over and it's time to get a life." - Carrot Top - "Can't we all just behave like civilized people and resolve this in a democratic fashion?" - George W. Bush - "You mean the loser gets to be dictator?" - Al Gore - "I really hate that you insulted Mr. Bush. He doesn't deserve that from anyone." - Mai Butt - "I apologize for this display of aggravation." - Osama bin Laden - "This is better than watching professional wrestling!" - Fay Slift - "I'm reminded of an episode of The Newhart Show (that's the one where he was a handyman writer who owned an inn in Vermont). He was being sued by another guy who wrote a how-to-be-handy book, who was accusing Bob/Dick of plagiarism. Newhart was on the stand, and asked the judge: "How do you give instructions to 'remove the faucet' without sounding like everyone else? 'Take the faucet; remove it?'". - Bob Woodward - "You do not have permission to use that analogy. Take it down immediately!" - Bob Newhart - "I did not have sex with Bob Newhart!" - a goat - "I can't handle people playing with my emotions like this. I'm a delicate thing." - Bishop Desmond Tutu - "I found out that Imogene has stoled my pink sparkled bouffant hairdo and is now wearing a tight red #8 Dale Junior tank top just like me. I think she's after Clyde, but I ain't sure. Clyde said he was my main man, but you never can be too sure when Imogene starts flauntin' her two-bit plastic bitsies under that damned Dale Jr. Budweiser tank top. My floppers are real, I'd send ya a pitcher, but Clyde is awful jealous. Can I copyright my hairdo or should I just whup Imogene's jiggly lard butt?" - Darlene Sugarwater - "What the fuck was that?" - Albert Schweitzer - "I did not have sex with Albert Schweitzer." - The guy in those Dell ads - MONEY LAUNDERING FROM HELL Halliburton Co. has been awarded a $9.7 million contract to build an additional 204-cell detention camp at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to hold additional suspected al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners whose names are being withheld. Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! 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