���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Do you remember the 70s? Especially 1977....25 years ago last week The King Of Rock 'n Roll met his untimely death...I don't think anyone on earth doesn't know that! All the radio stations were playing Elvis music this weekend and Memphis, TN had huge memorials taking place. BUT for me 1977 has more significance than just the passing of Elvis. It is 25 years ago this week that the Voyager Spacecraft began their trip through the Universe. And now 25 years later they are still sending back images from the out reaches of our Solar System. On board is the disk which contains greetings in over 50 languages as well as a star-chart to help other civilizations locate the Earth. Someday (in my lifetime I hope) maybe we will be visited by some other lifeform from outer space....lets hope that they are a nice friendly bunch! Voyager became more famous when it became one of the central characters in Star Trek, The Motion Picture...when it returned to Earth searching for "the creator". V-ger as it was known wanted to let the creator know what had occurred on its travels...maybe just maybe someday we will know what is really "out there!" Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Jack, Keli, SunAmy, Barb. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi." "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Voters... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.638 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.638 Truthful beggar... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.639 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.639 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Free Pair of Ladies Underwear! Comes in Rich Beautiful Colors & 4 popular styles ! Thong , Bikini, French High Cut, or Granny Panties Here's a bonus! Free Subscription to Beauty Talk included! http://www.winfreepanties.com <a href="http://www.winfreepanties.com";> click here </a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two men were at the bar talking about marriage. "I'm seriously thinking about tying the knot," said Jim. His buddy, Bob told him, "You may wish to consider contacting a local group. With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous." "Oh really?" Jim said, "What do they do?" "Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn house-coat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it,".Bob replied. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1951 Bernhard Germeshausen German DR, bobsled (Olympic-gold-1976, 80) 1951 Harry Smith Indiana, TV host (CBS Morning Show) 1953 Joe Strummer [John Mellor], rocker (Clash-Rock the Casbah) 1956 Kim Cattrall Liverpool England, actress (Mannequin, Star Trek VI) 1957 Budgie rocker (Siouxsie & the Banshees-Wild Thing) 1957 Janice Thomas WBL guard (NY Stars) 1957 Kim Sledge Phila, vocalist (Sister Sledge-We are Family) 1959 Jim McMahon NFL QB (Chicago Bears, SD Chargers, Phila Eagles) 1962 Matthew Broderick actor (Ferris Buehler, Biloxi Blues) 1967 Michael Bendetti actor (Officer Tony McCann-21 Jump Street) .....and on this day in history: 1953 Marion Carl in Douglas Skyrocket reaches record 25,370 m 1958 KUT-FM in Austin Texas begins radio transmissions 1959 Hawaii becomes 50th US state 1963 Martial law declared in S Vietnam 1965 Gemini 5 launched into Earth orbit (2 astronauts) 1968 After 5 years Russia once again jams Voice of America radio 1968 Democratic Convention opens in Chicago 1968 Radio Prague (Czech) at 12:50 AM announces a soviet led invasion. Warsaw Pact forces enter Czechoslovakia to end reform movement 1968 William Dana reaches 80 km (last high-altitude X-15 flight) 1972 1st hot air balloon flight over the Alps 1972 Republican convention opens in Miami Beach 1972 US orbiting astronomy observatory Copernicus launched 1975 3 truck pile up kills 10, injures 26 on French highway 1975 Rick & Paul Reuschel become 1st brothers to pitch a combined shut out 1976 Al Bumbry hits the 17th inside-the-park HR in Oriole history 1977 Donna Patterson Brice sets high speed water skiing rec (111.11 mph) 1982 Palestinian terrorists are dispersed from Beirut 1982 Rollie Fingers (Brewers) becomes 1st pitcher to get save #300 1985 Mary Decker Slaney runs mile in world record 4:16.71 1986 Lake Nios Volcanic eruption in Cameroon releases poison gas, killing 1,746 1986 Red Sox Spike Owens scores 6 runs in a 24-5 rout of Cleve Indians 1986 With 2 outs in the 6th inning, The Red Sox score 11 runs 1987 "Mack Lobell" set harness racing's trotting mil (1:52) 1987 Clayton Lonetree, 1st marine court-martialed for spying, convicted 1988 Cease fire between Iran & Iraq takes effect after 8 years of war 1989 Voyager 2 begins a flyby of the planet Neptune 1991 Communist coup is crushed in USSR in 2 days 2017 Next total solar eclipse visible from North America �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his search. A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." he said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. "Tequila Mockingbird." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� So many movies...so little time! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I don't want any 'yes-men' around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." -Samuel Goldwyn ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Free Ticket <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw12.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw12.html The Perfect Woman <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08b.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08b.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and Anni, his hostess, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Anni asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" Anni questioned. "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Anni thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Scotty makes a booboo... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.640 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.640 Getting caught... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.641 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.641 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� TO ALL EMPLOYEES: The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so they asked a California pharmacologist to help them with their problem. He came up with a formula for a giant suppository. The zoo hired the people at Guittard Chocolates, in Burlingame, to make a 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullet suppository. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove. Why am I telling you this???? Just think - FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! Now quit your bitching and get your ass back to work. MANAGEMENT ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Terri and Buzz, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Terri says, "Buzz, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Buzz says, "Do I care?" A few minutes later Terri says, "Buzz, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Buzz says, "Who cares?" A few more minutes pass and Terri says, "Buzz, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Buzz says, "Terri, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Did you know that Elvis was an especially colorful character? He was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites. [Long live The King] ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� There are many types of clowns although each clown develops its own unique ____ which determines their performance personality. This, once established, becomes the clown's unique personal property. What is it? A. Face B. Hat C. Shoe D. Laugh --- Most clowns fall into what number of basic categories? A. One--whiteface B. Four�whiteface, auguste, character, and new vaudeville C. Clowns cannot be categorized D. Too many to name <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Which country dominated competitive automobile racing when it first began in 1894? A. France --- We all know that a clown is a performer, usually in a circus, who plays the fool, performs practical jokes, and does tricks to make people laugh. Which of these is NOT another name for a clown? C. Misanthropist � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Have You Been Drinking <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/023.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/023.html Act Stupid <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/25.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/25.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> During the recent period of heavy rain, a local family was sitting on their roof watching the water which was well over five feet deep outside (and inside) their house. The son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. "Oh dear," he thought, "I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!" After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house. Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied "Oh, that's just your grandfather. He said come Heck or high water, he was going to mow the lawn today." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?" "Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today." "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded. "Yes", she insisted. "Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one. She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Masculinity <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj2.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj2.htm Air Bride <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj3.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj3.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� You Might Be a Redneck If... * You trim your beard and find a French fry. * You use a piece of bread as a napkin. * You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear. * Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat". * Your car alarm eats dog food. * Your car burns more oil than gas. * Your flashlight holds more than four batteries. * Your horse can count higher than you. * Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard. * Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center. * Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. * Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks. * Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. * You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. * You view duct tape as a long-term investment. * You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. * You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned. * You've ever lost your wife in a poker game. * You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work. * Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. * You've ever stolen a bulldozer. * All of your four-letter words are two syllables. * You cut your toenails in front of company. * You've ever been too drunk to fish. * You think women are turned on by animal sounds. * You think women are turned on by tongue gestures. * You have to dress the kids up to go to Wal*Mart. * You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister. * You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley. * You know how many bales of hay your car can hold. * You made a hot tub with a trolling motor. * You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong. * Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school clothes for the kids. * Your sister's child looks just like you. * You've ever given rat traps as a gift. * Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater. * The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. * You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. * In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limericks? There was a young fellow named Fritz Who planted a acre of tits. They came up in the fall, Pink nipples and all, And he chewed them all up into bits. One day as I fished on the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she. There was a young lady named May, Took a stroll in the park by the bay. She met a young man, Who screwed her and ran. Now she goes to the park everyday. A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Hide N Seek In Prison <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/prison.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/prison.htm A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 2 <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz2.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz2.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A mockingbird has gobbled hundreds of rare butter- flies in a zoo exhibit over two weeks while evading attempts to catch it. The bird apparently entered the Indianapolis Zoo's conservatory through a vent or window. The exhibit had about 1,500 butterflies and was due to close on Labour Day. According to zoo managers, the lost butterflies were worth about $1,000. Brilliant neon butterflies called blue morphos were especially hard hit. The bird hid in the 65-foot-tall conservatory until late July, when zoo staff members soaked it with a hose and finally caught it in a net. "You can't blame the bird. He was doing what came naturally," zoo gardener Susan Micks said. The bird was released "far, far away," zoo spokeswoman Judy Gagen said. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Little Johnny, Little Johnny's little brother and their parents were Sitting down to supper one evening when Little Johnny's little brother, with a confused look on his face, asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?" Little Johnny's father said, "Because mommy is my honey." Little Johnny's little brother still looked confused so Little Johnny said, "It's easy, she's his honey. he spreads her and eats her!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] S O N A R D E L I V E R Y [||||] The US Postal Service will honor America's bat species with four commemorative stamps. (AP) With a recommendation they be stored upside down in a dark, dry place. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� James went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife, Wendy. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture." The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?" James said, "Her driver's license." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting it reversed... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.120 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.120 Not a morning Pussy... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.33 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.33 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A couple of Torontonians had just closed down their store on busy Yonge Street and were standing in the middle of their empty shop when one said to the other, "I'll bet you ten bucks that if we wait here a few minutes, some Newfie is going to come by, peer through the window, and come in and ask us what we're selling." Sure enough, just as he finished speaking, a Newfie stuck his face up to the window, looked around at the empty shelves and then walked over and asked, "How's she goin, b'y. I was just wonderin' what you fellas was sellin'??" One of the Torontians grinned at the other and replied, "We're selling idiots, friend", To this the Newfie responded, "Well, ya must be doin' some good business 'cause dere's only two o' ya left." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears? A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today "Not Affiliated in Any Way!" ISSUE #16 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE There are no new answers, merely different ways of asking the same questions. If the question is "Are Republicans Nazis?", you're in for an argument because every Republican in the United States will say "no." Other than actual Nazis, nobody likes being compared to Nazis because when we hear the word Nazi, we think of their worst attribute, their compulsion to take over the world and rid it of people they don't like. So you've got to approach the question from a different angle. If the question is "Other than the actual Nazi Party (whom we all know are just a lunatic fringe group), what organization in the United States most resembles the Nazi Party?", I don't know how you can come up with any other answer than the Republican Party (with Disney a close second). The Nazis encouraged citizens to spy on one another. So do the Republicans. (Whether Disney encourages employees to spy on another is debatable) The Nazis rallied the public to their side by demonizing a racial segment of the population. So do the Republicans. The Nazis funneled all money into the war effort. So do the Republicans. The Nazis had "camps" to "house" people during "emergencies." So do the Republicans. Did the Nazis give themselves tax breaks? I bet they did. There are differences to be sure. The Nazis had a much greater fashion sense. And if the Republicans are the new Nazis, guess who's the new Hitler? And I don't mean that in a bad way. The current leadership of the Republican party embraces all of Hitler's best attributes. They've embraced his tactics so thoroughly that basically, the only real difference is that Hitler was evil. Just how big that difference actually is, I'll leave up to you. Historical Debunk of the Week "If Lewis and Clark had died on the trail, it wouldn't have mattered a bit," says Notre Dame University historian Thomas Slaughter. Like the moon landing, the Lewis and Clark expedition was inspiring, poetic, metaphorical, and ultimately insignificant. Their route was way too far north to be practical. No one could follow it. Other explorers located better, southerly shortcuts across the Continental Divide, and that's where Western settlers went. Lewis and Clark aficionados delight today in the unspoiled scenery along the trail. The reason the trail remains scenic and unspoiled is that it was so useless. Game of the Week Operation Enduring Pipeline is the most realistic anti-terrorist game on the net. (http://www.sparko.com/war) Special Message to Yassar Arafat "The nonviolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor. It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it. It gives them self respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage that they did not think they had. Finally, it reaches the opponent and so stirs his conscience that reconciliation becomes a reality." - Martin Luther King Jr. - Wanted Punchline for this joke. OBL Watch Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 337. THE TEN SECRETS OF INDEPENDENT FILM By Chris Gore 1. Corporate independents rule. Deal with it. Every major studio has an independent film division, or what might be called a "low budget studio division." Basically, dramas in which the actors are paid scale. These corporate indies have co-opted the independent spirit and turned it into a section in the video store. You can look on this as a good or a bad thing, but that's the way it is. So learn to live with it. 2. It's a business of relationships. Yes, it really is who you know. There are those who say that the film world is all "politics." So, get good at politics. Get to know the acquisitions executives at the major distributors who still buy movies like Patrick Gunn at Artisan or Mark Ordesky at Fine Line and the other 50 or so select people in this group and get them to your screening no matter what it takes. 3. Casting counts. Unfortunately. The first question any acquisitions executive, or moviegoer, for that matter, is going to ask is "Who's in it?" Which explains low budget, independent digital features starring Ethan Hawke (Tape), Sigourney Weaver (Tadpole) and Kevin Kline (The Anniversary Party). So, put together a cast that will get your film noticed. Actors are always on the lookout for good material, so get it to them any way you can. Director Rod Lurie played poker weekly with actor Kevin Pollack and ended up directing his independent feature debut by casting his card-playing pal. Cultivating relationships with recognizable talent is valuable, so pursue these assets by building a friendship first, and not by shoving a script in their face. 4. Be original. But don't be too original. As much as film executives say they want something original, they really don't. What they mean by "original" is simply "old wine in a new bottle." They want a familiar genre or story or tried and true formula told in a completely original way. For example a rock and roll musical (familiar) about a man with a botched sex change operation (very original) called Hedwig and the Angry Inch. That works. 5. Want to get into a film festival? Get to know the "Phantom Programmers." Sure, everyone knows that Geoffrey Gilmore is the chief gatekeeper at the Sundance Film Festival. And there is no chance he is going to return the call of an unknown emerging indie filmmaker. That's why it is critical to get to know the "Phantom Programmers." These are the trusted friends of festival programmers - people they rely on to offer advice about how to fill a programming slot. So, if you can't get to guys like Gilmore, get to the people close to him like John Sloss or Bob Hawk or Jeff Dowd or those nice folks at HBO that always seem to have about 10 films playing at Sundance. It's key to look for the people close to the main programmer and enlist their support for your film in order to get into the festival of your choice. 6. Get a good review from Roger Ebert. There are seven "Roger Eberts" that can be found in the phone book in the Los Angeles area alone and one of them is bound to love your movie. Seriously, there are more outlets covering film today than films released in a year. No joke. If you can't get a decent review in a recognizable media outlet, there are plenty of unknown media outlets on the web just salivating over the prospect of being quoted on your movie poster. Just ask the major movie studios who use this technique all the time. 7. Awards are meaningless. Unless, of course, you are the one receiving the award. Be sure to tout any kind of award you receive no matter how cheesy or meaningless it seems to you. That "award" graphic with those two leafs of feathers or wheat or whatever with the "Award Winner" in the center will make a perfect piece of marketing to use on the poster or video sleeve. 8. Don't be an orphan. There are thousands of "cine-orphans" out there - movies without distribution. It's important not to end up as one. After all of the large and small distributors have passed on your film, don't concern yourself with making back your money. At this point, it becomes about your career, so it's critical to get the film into the commercial marketplace even if you have to self-distribute it on DVD. And DVDs make great give-always at meetings about your next project! 9. Get a look. Yes, as irrelevant as it seems, fashion sense is important and a distinct look does count for something. If fame matters in moving up the indie film career ladder, then it's important to be recognizable in a crowd, or at least in photos that appear in the trades. Picture the writer and director of such films as Spanking the Monkey and Three Kings. You can't. That's because writer/director David O. Russell is about as nondescript as they come. He's an average guy and there's no crime in that. Now picture the writer and director of such films as Welcome to the Dollhouse and Storytelling. Yes, Todd Solondz is that dork with the big glasses. His unique "look" will get him recognized at festivals, events and parties and will even get his geeky mug in the trendy sections of magazines. Fame does help. 10. The Truth. The reality is that the indie film world is a freelance business in which one rarely gets paid and almost no one gets paid well. Success is garnering good press or winning an award at a festival or receiving rave reviews or the simple pleasure of getting distribution and seeing your film open on the big screen. All of this perceived "success" still won't pay the bills, so it's important to take that tried and true parental advice and have a fall back plan to actually make money. Otherwise, you'll be racking up credit card debt and filing for bankruptcy before your first feature even hits the festival circuit. Sad, but true. Of course, once you reach that "perceived success status," your job is now to lie to everyone about how great life is in the business and continue to perpetuate the myths about the entertainment industry. No one likes reality. From Film Threat. Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? August 19, 2002 1. Scientists completed a map of the mouse genome on the same day they discovered that England now has as many rats as people. Coincidence? I don't think so. #1 AT SATAN'S CINEPLEX My Big Fat Road to Perdition LAWS FROM HELL Pending Cell Phone Legislation By Chris Painter New York has banned the use of hand-held cell phones while driving, except for use in emergencies. What are other states planning? Idaho: Illegal, unless purpose of call is to secure some lovin' for later. Penalty: $50 if call not used to secure lovin', or lovin' not successfully secured. California: Permitted, although any other driver who becomes irritated with cell phone user may legally step out of their vehicle and bash their freakin' teeth in. South Carolina: Rental cars with cell phone equipment must include programmed speed-dial function for minimum of five local escort services, upscale, not just some skanky thing. Penalty: Currently a warning; $200 if escort proves to be just some skanky thing. Alaska: Illegal, unless situation involves eating frozen family member following grisly car wreck. Penalty: $100 if wreck not especially grisly, or family member not fully frozen. Florida: Permitted as long as cell phone is not used to call Manuel. You promised you'd stop calling Manuel, so why do you still call him? What do you two have to talk about? Penalty: $500. SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW Hot water freezes faster than cold water. CANDY FROM HELL Scriptures Candy � These sugar-free breath mints are shaped like tiny Christian fish symbols and are packaged in attractive tins that feature inspirational scripture verses printed on the inside of the lids. There are 78 different verses. QUOTES FROM HELL "The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice." - Mahatma Ghandi - "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." - Buddha - "If the law permits reprehensible behavior, people will engage in reprehensible behavior." - William F. Buckley Jr. - "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing so enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God which is within us. It is not in just some of us, it is in all of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. - Nelson Mandella (1994 Inaugural Speech) - "Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lots of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." - Robert F. Kennedy - Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. 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